Upswing

I might just be coming out of this month long dark tunnel of anxiety. Slowly, very slowly, but surely. The weekend was nice and easy for me, mostly. A few moments of anxiety tummy and some crazy moodswings where I go from happy mom to pissed off mom in 2.5 seconds. I'm working on it. I've been taking relaxing baths and have had a bit more of an appetite again (I can tell because I instantly gained back the three pounds I lost. BAH!).

We welcomed a beautiful new family member into our home on Friday (2.13.2015). His name is Lennon Fitness and he (she? We don't actually know) is a Ball Python. He's adjusting really well to his new home and we were learning each others' tricks. We are both getting more and more comfortable with each other - I let him crawl up my arm and wrap around for a bit this afternoon. Before anyone freaks out, he doesn't squeeze! It's more of a loose bracelet type hold that he does. I think it's more for his comfort and stability than actually trying to "constrict." He has never at all even come close to looking like he's wanted to bite me or the kids even when they are swarming him to give him attention and snuggles. (Yes, he is a snuggly snake!). He is around a year old judging by his size which is about 18-24" long.

The kids don't have school today, but we're making the best of it. We took a drive for trains today and not only did we catch a train, but we found two! Very exciting day :) Now we're hanging out - Nat is watching Spy Kids and the boys made hideouts for themselves. I got Timmy's haircut and picked up a heat mat for Lennon and a bigger water dish for him to be able to go in to lounge if he so chooses.

Thanks again to everyone for has stuck by me while I lost my mind. It's not back, but at least I've adjusted to the lack of sanity.

My Best Buddy

First, I want to thank everyone for their kind words on FB, in the comments, and in messages. I know so many people struggle with anxiety, depression, etc and if there wasn't such a stigma surrounding these disorders, more people would be willing to discuss their battles. I guess I'm just at the point where I can't hide it anymore. Writing has always been my outlet and maybe through my writing I can not only work through my own issues, but others might feel they can as well.

Now, on to My Best Buddy. That would be my Sammy. He's 3.5 now and for awhile we've always just called each other Best Buddy. He's been by my side since he was born unlike his older siblings, he's spent much of his toddler (and older) years having a lot of one on one time with me because the other two are in school. Timmy only had 17 months to himself before he had to share me. Natalie never got that time because Sammy came along when she was 22 months old. But Sammy has been enjoying one on one time with me since he was two, even if it was only for a few mornings a week. But now he has all day every day with me and we do everything together. He's my "baby" and I do a lot of talking to him throughout the day. Sometimes we talk about kitties and birdies and other times we talk about why we feel sad or why we feel angry or happy or upset, pretty much how I'm feeling on any given day because when my shadow is with me, I can't hide anything.

I woke up with anxiety tummy today, as I have for the last month. I'm at the end of my rope with this and I just can't do it anymore. After my shower this morning, I sat down on the steps and cried. Sammy was downstairs riding his bike and I heard him come running upstairs. He sits down with me, looks worried, and says, "Mommy, you crying?" He looks like he's about to cry too and says, "You have a tummy ache? I hug you. I make you feel better." We snuggle and he says, "Mommy, you feel better now?" And you know what? I do. My tummy isn't as anxious as it was before. I think I might even feel a little bit hungry, which I haven't really felt true hunger in days.

My Best Buddy is an amazing little person. He's already in tune to how people are feeling and wants to make people feel better. In fact, all of my kids are this way and I think it's because of all the people in the world I don't hide my feelings from, it's them. They've seen me at my worst - when I've been so mad over the littlest things where I have thrown toys and cursed and yelled and totally lost it in front of them - but then when I'm done, we all sit down and talk about it. I apologize for how I acted, explain how I was feeling and that it was NOT them and that sometimes I have very little control over how my body reacts to things. Other times they've seen me so down that I sit and cry for an hour. During that time my sweet little people rally around me and snuggle with me and draw me pictures and hug me and tell me they love me. My children are my support system and I can't imagine them not being with me. I'm only admitting this for the reason I stated above - I can't be the only one who has totally lost it on their kids and I can't be the only one who is an emotional wreck in front of their kids. It's how we work through it with our kids after all is said and done that is important. I am never afraid to apologize to my kids for things I have said and done around them or to them. I let them ask me any questions they want and I will always answer them honestly. I don't baby talk to my children and I don't blow smoke up their butts. For this, my children are incredibly in tune with their own feelings, and with people around them. In their short lives they've had to witness much more than most people have in their entire lives and they will continue to learn about other real life issues as they grow (not all including me, and honestly, this isn't an all the time thing. MOST of the time I'm a normal boring adult who wants to just sit and veg out in front of the TV and feed my kids mac n cheese.)

Anyway, so there's that. Just opening up here. I'm owning it. I'm owning my imperfections and my struggles. I am not going to hide anymore. I am going to force myself to be happy and to put myself out there and it's not to be faking it til I make it anymore. It's going to be because sitting at home feeling like crap is not going to change anything. I want to feel better and I want to get past this, so the only thing I can do is try. I remember a very early episode of The Simpsons - Lisa Gets the Blues. At the end of the episode, Marge has Lisa force a smile. Later Marge realizes she was wrong to make Lisa force herself to smile, but at the same time Lisa ended up feeling like smiling because she did. So it's a little bit of both - you don't have to fake your feelings, but trying to feel better just might work.

Peace.

A Very Personal Look at Anxiety & Panic

Hi. My name is Liza and I suffer from Anxiety.

No, I'm not just saying "oh, I'm feeling anxious today."

Yes, I do mean suffer.

For the last month or so, I have been dealing with nonstop anxiety and daily panic attacks. Unless you have ever had a very real panic attack or deal with long term anxiety, you might think that this post is a garbage or that I'm exaggerating, but for those of us who suffer from GAD, this post is just a taste of what I have been dealing with for the last few weeks, and on and off throughout my entire life.

Every day - EVERY DAY - for the last month I have had "Anxiety Tummy" - a ball in my stomach that just won't go away. I have no appetite, my stomach and guts are all sorts of messed up, and I just feel sick and nauseous all day long. Quite often this leads into a full panic attack, which is not the same as anxiety, but the two quite often go hand-in-hand.

A few weeks ago, Buzzfeed posted a video describing what a panic attack feels like. While there are moments in the video that do accurately describe a panic attack, I highly recommend reading the comments instead for a true description. Some of the commenters describe the video as "a panic attack on Ambien" and I very much agree. And to be honest, I hate how the video ends with "but it passes" as if it's just that simple. It's not.

Let me describe, as best as I can, what a panic attack is like for me. It quite often starts with a racing heart - pounding so hard I can feel it in my throat and I get concerned that maybe it's not panic and maybe I am having a heart attack. I break out in a rash across my face and chest. My body itches from head to toe. My hands and feet tingle and quite often go completely numb. I can't focus on anything visually and my head is in a fog. I attempt to function normally while repeating to myself "this will pass, this will pass" but it's not uncommon for me to walk into a room and have no idea when or why I walked in there. I try to focus on my breathing, but no matter how hard I try to slow it down or to slow my heart down, it just doesn't happen. My chest hurts. My head hurts. My throat feels like it's closing. This lasts for HOURS, friends. This isn't just a "oh hey, I just had a panic attack, glad that passed." No, for me, this will start at any time, usually with no real trigger, and it will last at the very least for an hour, but sometimes all day long.

Chances are, for those of you who have seen me in the last month, you have seen me while I've been smack dab in the middle of a panic attack, or at least struggling with anxiety tummy. I've been doing a really good job at "faking it til I make it." Sometimes that's what you have to do in order to survive day to day life. It's very much an hour by hour thing for me right now.

I've always been someone who worries about everything and stews about stuff. Why did he say that? Did I do that wrong? Is she mad at me? Why didn't this person call me back? Why didn't he answer the phone? Why is she calling me? It's never just "oh, oops, I made a mistake, I'll move on." No. For me, it's "OH MY GOSH HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT?" and then I spend an entire day beating the crap out of myself. I'm so hard on myself and can't ever just move on. I dwell on everything. I'm not an easy person to be around lately, so I am grateful for the friends and family that do take the time to be with me right now. I need it. I need people to talk to and distractions.

I saw my counselor today for the first time in a year. I'm going back in two weeks. It's a start. In the meantime, I am doing my best to find the best coping methods. I take lots of baths and listen to my favorite music. I sit down with a nice smelling candle and do my puzzle books. I snuggle with my kids (even though the anxiety has made me a pretty impatient and hard to deal with Mommy). I watch Impractical Jokers and laugh as much as I can. When I'm laughing, I can't feel anxiety tummy.

There is so much more I'd like to say about this, but I can't get any of it out in a way that makes any sense at all, so I'll just say this is an introduction. I know I've talked about anxiety before, and discussed my experience with PPD and other things before, so this isn't new. I just needed to kinda throw it out that that when you ask me if I'm okay, and I say "yes" and I seem super upbeat, I'm totally full of it right now, but please just take it for what it is because I am trying. And really, I have had some really good days in the last month - I treasure them. It usually means I actually slept well the night before. Two nights ago I was up at 2am. For the day. Woot.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far :)

Icy Lake Michigan

Last weekend we took the kids to Holland to check out the ice on Lake Michigan, and to have dinner at our usual place, Village Inn. We have a yearly tradition to go to Holland and swim in the summer and have dinner at Village Inn, so doing it in the winter was a lot of fun. We had their snow pants with us, but for some reason we didn't put the kids in them before venturing out to the Lake. It was brisk and everything was covered in ice, snow, and puddles. It was gorgeous! The kids had a blast walking on the ice and sliding down the side of the pier like penguins. They ended up soaked and Sam was the only one we had extra pants for. We stopped at Goodwill and got the big kids new jeans to wear and went to dinner. It was a really nice time and I hope it's a new yearly tradition for us as well :)

Sammyisms - The PT Edition

On the first of the year, Sammy decided that maybe, just maybe, it is okay to pee somewhere other than his diaper or into a fan. It was actually a very easy process and even the issues we thought would be hard to overcome have been fairly easy. He had very few accidents since deciding he wanted to wear underwear.

Yesterday, I sat in the bathroom with Sammy while he did his business. We were in there for nearly 30 minutes. It was ridiculous. The entire time he narrated every little moment of his pooping experience. (I noticed his other Sammyism has to do with poop too. I'm seeing a trend.) "Mommy, that's my poophole. The poop goes down into that poophole. I'm pooping! The poop came out! *toots* My butt did that. Mommy, my butt pooped."

I can't believe just a couple months ago I was really concerned he'd never be potty trained. Now I'm concerned he'll never stop narrating his bodily functions. I'd say "life with boys" but Natalie is the one that said, "That's just the sound my butt makes" when she tooted once back when she was two. It's just kids. Kids are gross. And hilarious.

Remember when blogging was cool?

Ten years ago blogs were it. Myspace was a new fangled idea, and Facebook wouldn't be too far behind. Once we had a way to stay connected in an easier set up, blogs (at least mine and the blog friends I had then) became less of a thing and more of an afterthought. But before Myspace and Facebook, we had blogs. I made so many wonderful blogger friends, a few of whom I am still in touch with today. Yesterday, one of those friends (hi Christie!) posted on FB (for shame ;) ) that she had made a new blog entry. I went over to her page and found an entry from ten years ago...one that I had commented on. It was a blog entry about how she had a "feud" with another blogger. I read through the comments and saw comments from all of those old blog friends - some that I still talk to regularly (like Beth, who happens to be one of those special IN REAL LIFE blog friends, ha, and her sister) and those that I had totally forgotten about. I also saw comments from someone who I actually ended up not only meeting in person, but we totally made jello shots and went camping together. It made me feel nostalgic for the time when we'd have to actually make an effort to not only read what was going on with someone, but comment on their post. And then have to actually search for the next blog, or click over on your own sidebar. I remember finding new blogger friends just by clicking "next blog" on the top bar.

Now it seems blogging is only reserved for those very special people, like those awesome moms who are not only funny, but somehow have built a following by writing about controversial things or because they swear a lot and saying f&*k is hilarious! I miss when every Thursday we were all coming up with our list of Thirteen things and linking ourselves to that host blog and visiting all sorts of other blogs to read their lists. I remember sitting and waiting for just ONE COMMENT and feeling so proud when someone would come and say my list was awesome. I remember scrambling around on Thursday nights to find the three items we needed to post for Stuff Portrait Friday (which STILL EXISTS, btw, but on FB - Hi Kristine!) and spending my entire Friday checking out everyone else's pictures that may be as simple as something green or as complex as "what makes you want to punch someone in the gut while jabbing them in the eye with your keys" (which I kinda just came up with. This should so be something we need to post, btw).

This is not my original blog. It's not even my second or third blog. Blogs I've had in the past were titled things like "Supertramp" "Something Beautiful" "Jazzy and the Chicken Coop" (my particular fave). I honestly don't remember the name of my first blog, but it has been gone for a very long time. That one focused on poker and drinking. Who did I play poker with? Ryan? Tom? Chris? Who did I beat? What did each person drink? How late did we stay out? What did SHE wear? I was unmarried(though still with Chris) and obviously had no kids.

My blogs followed my journey with THE HOLE, new jobs, vacations, my engagement, my wedding, married life, a new house, my pets, and my pregnancies (which are mostly on this blog, as least Sam and Nat's are). I also wrote about some very personal things like my relationship with my mom, my health struggles, depression and my break up with Paxil, the death of a good friend and teacher, and all sorts of other things.

So where I am now? I'd like to think I'll keep this up, but if you go back to the new year for the last four years, you'll see a similar post to this. I never keep up. But like I say each time, I'm gonna try. Blogs should be back. Facebook usually consists of posts about what someone had for dinner or how their kid made the honor roll. I miss reading REAL THOUGHT OUT FEELINGS from my friends. I don't give a crap if you write like an intelligible person or if you type like me or write like me, like I barely passed fifth grade. I just like reading about what makes people tick. I like finding common ground with others. I like what makes us different. I learn so much from other people when I find things we don't have in common.

Anyway...It's nearly 2pm...I've got to pick my big kids up from school in a bit, but in the mean time I'm going to listen to music and snuggle with my littlest stink.

By the way, I'm ending this blog entry while listening to "From Now On" by Supertramp. Touche, blog gods, touché.

Sammyisms ~ The Kitty Edition

Sammy is obsessed with our cat, Abbey. I got Abbey when she was about a year old and she just recently turned 14, so she's been around for a long time. Lately he pretty much stalks the poor cat to the point that she has moved her living area to the basement. Don't worry, she's plenty warm. "Her" chair is under a heat vent and we moved the cat box down there for her.

Sam tries to carry her around, which displeases her greatly. He has battle wounds in the form of scratches from the many times he tries to pull her tail. During those rare moments when sunshine peeps through the windows in the living room, Abbey will pull up a spot on the rug and bathe herself. The other morning I caught Sam sitting in the sunshine, leg up in the air, pretending to bathe himself.

This morning he chased Abbey into the basement and I wanted him to come back upstairs, so I pretended to shut him in the basement. I heard him pitter-patter up the stairs to the door, where he started to meow to be let out. "Sammy kitty!" he said proudly.

A couple weeks ago, it was getting towards bedtime, so I sat at the table with Nat and Tim making necklaces and Sam ran into the corner of the dining room. It was quite obviously he was 'doing his business,' so I asked, "Sammy, are you pooping?"

"No. Sammy no pooping."

"Sammy IS pooping."

"No," he said, then he pointed to the cat. "Abbey pooping."

"Abbey is not pooping; Sammy is pooping."

"No, Abbey pooping in her pants."

Poor cat gets blamed for everything!

I tried to get a picture of Sam with Abbey, but with Abbey's obvious dislike of Sammy, it was next to impossible.

A Note to the Older Folks

Yesterday, I had an altercation with an older relative on my Facebook page. This person, though I know means well, has consistently made comments on my pictures and status updates that were anything but helpful, and if anything, were condescending and hurtful. I'm not going to go into specifics on the things she said, but I do have a few things I'd like to say...perhaps a "note" to the older generation who have children who are grown and out of the house or are about the fly the coop.

Right now I am smack dab in the middle of the toddler years. I have an almost six year old, a four year old, and a two year old. All three of them are very different from each other but are loved just the same. We have good days and we have bad days - everyone does. There are times when I miss my children so much I can't breathe and they've only been at school for an hour, and other days I cannot wait until bedtime just so I can get some peace.

I guess what I'd like to say to those who no longer have children at home, please, think back, really hard, to what it was like when your children were small. You may have had one child, the easiest child to care for, or you may have had ten children. I can guarantee there were days when you felt like you barely had your head above water. Right now, I'm there. In a world where social media is the "thing" to do, I take advantage and reach out for support to all of my friends and family. When it's clear that I'm struggling, making judgmental comments like, "a mother doesn't ____ " is anything but supportive. When I say I am ready for a break, saying, "cherish these moments for they grow up quickly," is anything but helpful. In fact, it does the opposite - it makes me feel like my feelings of being overwhelmed are not only irrelevant, but they are wrong. I am fully aware that these years are flying by; yesterday I gave birth to my first child and next month he turns six.

So, Older Generation, please be considerate. I know you have been there, I know that you've seen it all, I know that you have the best advice in the world...but unless you can be empathetic and supportive, please do me a favor and keep it to yourself.

On Hold

A few days ago Natalie asked me a question that has stuck with me. I was on the computer, reading or typing something, ironically I can't remember what it was. She said something to me and I automatically replied, "Just a sec." 

"Mommy, why do always say 'just a sec' when I am talking to you?" 

Ouch. It stung because it was true. Every time I am on the computer and typing or reading, I put her on hold. I put all the kids on hold. I immediately closed the computer and pulled her onto my lap. 

"You're right; I always do make you wait to talk to me so I can finish what I am doing first." 

"Why do you do that?"

"I don't know, but I'm not going to do that anymore. You are so much more important to me than whatever I'm reading. I'm sorry that I've been ignoring you. What do you want to ask me?"

It's so hard to drop everything to listen to a four year old jabber nonstop about ponies or what her brother did that was naughty but these are the things that are important to her. If I ignore her now, she'll give up talking to me altogether. When the time comes that she will really need to tell me something important, I need to be available to her. I need to be available to all of my kids. 

Even if right now the questions she's asking me are making my head spin...Why does fire make people die? Why can't I climb on the roof? Why don't snakes have legs? 

Admitting Defeat

I feel very defeated today. I am exhausted. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of nonstop chaos. School started, which meant a brand new school for Timmy, all day every day, and dealing with an overly tired five year old is definitely wearing thin on me. Natalie now goes to school three days a week, which isn't a huge deal. I'm frustrated with her because she went through almost the entire month of August and the first half of September without any accidents at all. The last week she has peed in her undies at least once a day again. If she were actually trying or felt bad when she had accidents I wouldn't be so upset, but she just doesn't try and she just doesn't care. She lies to me about it. So she gets a time out. I reiterate that the time out is for lying, not for the accident. She just doesn't care. Have I mentioned that age four is my least favorite age so far? Timmy was the worst child I had ever seen when he was 4. Now Natalie has his that age and I'm ready to run away forever. And Sammy? He refuses to wear diapers but pees on the floor. He rarely naps now and is unbearable when he doesn't. He has discovered how to voice his opinion and is getting physical. He pushes Tim and Nat and yells at everyone. He screeches that pteradatcyl screech any time he doesn't approve of something. My head is ready to explode by 5pm.

Then Chris was gone on a trip to the UP and then for work and while I am happy he got to have some time to himself to go hand out with friends and do something fun, I am incredibly jealous. When is it my turn? When do I get to go away for a week without kids? I never have. I'm fairly certain that the only time I have ever been able to be away from my kids over night (by myself) was when I was in the hospital last year. Oh boy, what a vacation that was! Almost dying, hopped up on incredibly strong drugs, and in constant and severe pain. Party time!

I joined the Moms Club in hopes of making new friends (which I have!) and being able to get out and do fun things with the kids but I haven't done anything! It's partly on me - when I am actually able to go do something with them I am just so exhausted and grouchy that I stay home so that no one has to deal with me being a whiny pile of over-tired mommy. Now I start a new "gig" tomorrow and help with childcare at a Bible study. I'm happy to help this and start saving some of my own money, but now I'm really feeling like I'm being spread too thin. I'm trying to help with things at Nat's preschool, I want to be involved with Timmy's school, and I feel very overwhelmed now.

What I want - a trip to a nice hotel (doesn't have to be overly fancy, just something with a clean tub, nice smelling towels, a comfy bed, a fridge, and an awesome TV with lots of channels. I want to be by myself - ALL ALONE - for like three nights. Somewhere with a continental breakfast and coffee available at all times. And not in Grand Rapids. I don't want to be close enough that if my kids want me I feel guilty being that close. I want to be far enough away that it wouldn't make sense for me to go home so that I don't feel as much guilt for being away from them. I want to watch movies and crap TV. I want to write. I want to crochet. I want to nap whenever I feel like napping. I want to take a walk by myself in an area where I'm unfamiliar so that it seems like an adventure.

*sigh*

I know, in 16 years my kids will theoretically be out of the house and then I'll get my break, right? Probably not. But I can dream!