Guilt plays an important part of our lives. More often than not, I find myself feeling guilty over the things I do, whether I should feel guilty about them or not. Growing up I was taught that pretty much anything and everything is a sin and while some people find this pretty extreme, this was my childhood.
There were so many things I was not allowed to do. I wasn't allowed to watch [much] TV, read [most] books, listen to [most] music, and most especially visit my dad unless it was on his court appointed days. When I was in middle school, my mom was present with a video called "Be On Guard" and it was about all of the books, toys, TV, and music that were full of sin and should be avoided at all costs. Among the list was He-Man, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and the Smurfs.
It was during middle school that I loved the book series The Babysitters Club. Ironically, this was a series that I wasn't allowed to read so I had to get the books from the library and hide them in my room, much like one of the main characters in the series would hide Nancy Drew novels in her room. This was my existence. I loved reading these books and some would say it was my guilty pleasure - again with the word "guilt."
I think this carried over into my adult life. I feel guilty over every little thing I do. The most one-on-one time I spent with The Boy today was when I gave him his bath. I feel guilty because I couldn't read to him and I couldn't snuggle with him even when he desperately tried to climb into my lap several times today but I had to push him away because I was feeding his sister. More than once he brought me a pile of books to read with him, but I couldn't because I was, as always, feeding his sister. I feel so guilty that I'm already ruining my relationship with my son and I know these feelings are justified, yet silly.
I feel guilty right now because I'm taking ten minutes to myself while Baby Girl fusses in her PNP. I need these few minutes because she has not slept since 4:15pm and it is now 9:15pm. Somehow a four week old baby goes five hours awake and still manages to wake up every hour to eat during the night.
I hate guilt and it's something I need to get out of my life. I am doing the best I can right now but I feel like my best just isn't enough. My little boy is suffering because I have to share his time with another person. My little girl is suffering because I have to share my time with another person. There is just not enough of me to go around.
And now I feel really, really guilty because I ended the last sentence with a preposition.
7 comments:
I'm so sorry you are feeling such guilt :( Know that today is just one day and tomorrow is another start and another chance to spend more time. It will get easier and hopefully these guilty feelings will pass. Know you're an excellent Mom to both your babies. HUGS!
thanks tracy! i know that feeling guilty over every detail is just stupid, i wish i could control guilt better.
It will get better. I promise. It is hard to split your time, but, you will do it and not feel guilty. And you shouldn't feel stupid for feeling guilty over so much. It's just how you feel. Being a mom is never easy, let alone a mom to multiple babies. Motherhood doesn't come w/ a manual. You're doing the best you can w/ what you have. To me, you're doing great!
It's not stupid to feel that way, especially when it was such a big part of your own childhood. It's just how you feel and everyone knows we can't control our feelings :) I feel loads of guilt on a daily basis as well even when I can be logical with myself ;)
i wub you guys :)
I don't think your boy will ever know that a couple months went by with you busier than normal. It might be good for him, who knows? It is very good for your baby girl though. It would impact her more to be left to her own devices now than it would him. I know you said it feels silly to feel guilty, you can embrace that too. Feeling silly just might make you feel lighter too!
anonymous, i don't know who you are but i am very grateful for you.
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