Friday, April 29, 2011

28 weeks!

I had my 28 week appointment this morning. Baby's hb was 146 and he was wiggling all over. He appears to be head down now and I hope he stays that way! I'm measuring right on still, so woo hoo!! Perhaps we have a normal-sized baby still baking in there! I asked Dr. VS about the bleeding I had earlier this week and he said it was most likely caused by the coughing and the pressure on my lady bits. The spotting is completely gone now, so yay!

I also saw the PA at my regular doctor's office yesterday about my cough. She said my lungs were clear and it's just coughing left over from bronchitis. She put me on Z-Pak and also told me take Sudafed (I got Walgreens brand...totally forgetting that we already had some at home...DOH!). I also picked up some iron pills and now I feel good and drugged. So far no change in my coughin, but hopefully soon.

I can't believe I'm getting so much closer to having this boy!! I can't wait to see his sweet little face.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Timmyism #8

Oh that boy of mine! Some of the things that come out of his mouth are downright hilarious!

I thought it would be a good time to share some of these funny moments and lighten up the mood of my blog and remind me of just what a silly little boy I have.

[one] We went to see Chris's family for Easter and Timmy picked up on the fact that his cousins call his daddy "Uncle Chris." All week now, on and off, Timmy has been calling his daddy Uncle Chris.

Last night at dinner Timmy was doing his random rambles and at one point said to Chris, "You're Uncle Chris!" Then he turned to me and said, "And you're Uncle Mommy!"

[two] I don't have a specific example, but some of his most commonly used phrases lately have been "for a moment" and "is that a great idea?" Like if he is snuggling with one of us and we say we need to get up to do something, he says, "I think I will just sit here for a moment." Or if there is something he really wants to do, like go outside and play, he will tell us how it will be - "I'm gonna go outside and play with Wriley and drive the black car. Is that a great idea?"

[three] He also has his "words" that he uses all of the time. Awesome and cool are two of them. "Is that awesome, Mommy?" "This is a cool car! Is this a cool car, Mommy?"

[four] Everyone is his best friend lately. "Natalie is my best friend!" "Mommy, are you my best friend?"

[five] During rest time, he takes off his pants and snuggles with them.

[six] Super Super Super Duper. Timmy is Super Super Super Duper Bigger than Natalie.

What to do?

Now that I have totally gotten everything out and ranted and vented how I have been feeling, I need to figure out what I can do to change the things in my life that are really weighing me down.

First, in regards to being sick, I can go to the doctor. I have an appointment at 2 (conveniently during rest time) so hopefully they can give me something to help my cough. Once I start feeling better physically, maybe some of the other things in my life will start to improve - mainly my lack of energy. If I had even 50% more energy things would be better around here. I can't even walk up and down the stairs without getting winded and wanting to lay down for awhile.

Second, with the worry about my bleeding (which is gone today, yay!) I can see my ob. I have my 28 week appointment tomorrow morning. I can also talk to him about how I've been feeling and see what I can do during pregnancy to help with anxiety and possible depression. This is how I was feeling during the last few weeks that I was pregnant with Natalie. Most of my blog entries from July and August 2009 are about anxiety. After she was born those feelings didn't go away and I was put on Paxil without much research from myself and that ended up being one of the worst experiences in my life. I will never again go on Paxil and I will never again go on an anxiety or depression med without researching it first. I do worry about getting PPD again.

As far as Timmy goes, I'll keep pushing forward and just take things one minute at a time sometimes. Some days are and will be better than others and when those "other" days are here and I feel so lousy to begin with, it sure doesn't make dealing with Timmy any easier.

And it sure would be nice to see some SUNSHINE around here! I know that will help for sure! As much as I love rainy days, the last month has been raining and I am OVER IT. I am especially over it for my "neighbors" to the south. The tornado outbreak over the last week has been devastating to say the least. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone dealing with the aftermath.

Today is a new day and it's up to me how I will make it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

One Week Later

I am so ready to throw in the towel and say screw this whole "peaceful" parenting approach. It seemed to do well for a couple days but Timmy is not responding to anything anymore. He is terrible. I absolutely hate the way I am feeling about my son right now.

He is so aggressive. He is mean-spirited, foul-mouthed, and rude. He hits and pushes for no reason and isn't even prompted to do so by something that is bugging him. He is possessive over everything and is very bossy and pushy and doesn't hesitate to hit or bite if things aren't going his way. Yes, I am well-aware that these are typical characteristics of a three year old.

I am exhausted. I have had a chronic cough for the last two weeks and can barely breathe at times. My mother is still in the hospital with no ETA of her being able to go home. I finally broke down and called her on Monday. It took a lot out of me just to do that. I feel guilty for the ways I am feeling about my mother as well as my son. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel guilty for not taking care of myself while I am pregnant but what it all boils down to is that I just don't care right now. I feel like I give and give and try and try with my family and don't ever see anything positive come from it. I also hate feeling like my struggles aren't as important as my mom's or my sister's because I'm not in the hospital or going for tests and I hate feeling like they might think that my struggles are pathetic and worthless compared to what they have going on. Which once again leads me to feeling even more guilty and worthless.

I have no energy. I want so badly to be able to do all the fun things with my kids that I see people on FB posting about doing with their kids. I see everyone posting about how they went on a fun trip or cruise and can't help but feel jealous that they get to do something fun and exciting while I am home just trying to muster up the energy to go to the bathroom. I see a lot of people posting about how happy they are and how much they love their life when all I want to do is run away from mine. I don't want to take away from their happiness; I am glad that my friends and family are happy and enjoying life. I just wish I could be like them. I wish I even had it in me to take my kids to the park or even just go in the back yard with them but I can't. I do not have the energy to chase and entertain my kids right now.

Last night I started bleeding - quite heavily at first. I thought for sure this was it. Being only 28 weeks pregnant I should have immediately gone to the ER to make sure everything was okay. I laid down for awhile and was still feeling the baby wiggling around like crazy, so I knew that he was okay. I wasn't having any contractions or major cramping, so I decided to wait it out over night. Today the bleeding has turned brown and is very light, just spotting now. I still feel him moving all of the time, so my guess is I've been coughing too much and too stressed out and popped a blood vessel or something. I have an appointment on Friday so unless I start bleeding heavily again I am going ot wait it out. I do fully expect him to scold me for not going to the ER, but the running theme of this entire blog is "I DON'T CARE."

I totally lost it on Timmy today and yelled at him. I made it a week without yelling at him though so that is pretty good. I haven't left my house since Sunday, aside from going to Jimmy Johns a couple days ago. I have cabin fever just as much as the kids do, but I am too scared to do anything too active for fear of bleeding again and I really don't have it in me to take the kids anywhere by myself anymore. It's too much for me.

I can see all of you parents of more than two kids shaking your heads at me. I know, I'm letting you down. If you can do it, why can't I?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

A day in the life of me...

Today I am chronically my day with the kids. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've ever had as a parent and I know a huge part of it had to do with my own attitude. Timmy is so difficult to parent right now. He's THREE and being THREE is very different than being two. Today my goal is to not raise my voice with the kids at all and to use positive reinforcement with Timmy to see if it helps his attitude and behavior at all. So let's start our day!

8am-8:30am: I get up, shower, get dressed, and pick out clothes for the kids. Normally I pick their clothes out the night before so that if Chris gets them dressed he doesn't have to dig around. We were out last night, so I totally forgot.

8:30am: First battle of the day. I come downstairs and greet the kids as cheerfully as possible. I sit down on the sofa which is apparently not allowed with Timmy. He immediately throws himself on the floor in a tantrum, yelling at me that he wants to play cars RIGHT THERE. I take a deep breath and explain to him as gently as possible that the sofa and chairs are for everyone to sit in and if he would like to play cars there, he needs to ask me nicely. It takes about three minutes of trying to get him to say a full sentence with the word please, but eventually he does say, "Mommy could you move please? I want to play cars there." So I say, "Yes, I will move. Thank you for using your manners and asking me nicely."

8:35am: I get Natalie changed and dressed, managing to get poop all over my hands and the wipes box. TMI perhaps, but her poop smells a lot like vomit today. Speaking of vomit...will...not...vomit...I do love being pregnant!

8:38am: Battle number two. "I don't want to get dressed!" I tell Timmy, "You may play with your cars while I get Natalie dressed and when I am done, we'll get you dressed and then we can have cereal for breakfast." Which leads to battle number three. "I don't want cereal! I want Cinnamon Cheerios!" Oh yes, the literal age of THREE. "Yes, Timmy. You may have a bowl of Cheerios after you are dressed. Sound like a plan?" "Yes, Mommy. That sounds like a plan."

8:40am: Repeat the getting dressed argument.

8:41am: Timmy happily comes and lets me help him get dressed after I remind him that he can have Cinnamon Cheerios. Crisis averted. I praise him for listening and obeying and letting me help him get dressed. He beams.

8:45am-9am: Kids sit down for breakfast. Timmy asks very nicely for his cereal...erm...Cinnamon Cheerios...and Natalie says, "Bwayse!" They eat happily while I unload the dishwasher and put the dishes away. The "MINE" fight starts but I've decided to pick my battles today. It's already going to be a challenge for me to not instantly yell at them for every little thing they do. The funny thing about the "mine" fight is that Natalie starts it by saying, "MINE!" even though she has no idea what she's claiming is hers. Timmy has no idea either, but it's quite obvious that whatever Natalie thinks is hers is in fact his, so he needs to yell back, "MINE!" which Natalie thinks is absolutely hilarious, so while Timmy is getting upset, she is laughing her little head off and continues to yell, "MINE!" while Timmy cries and yells, "No, MINE!" even though he has no idea either what exactly is "his." Eventually they give up. Timmy very nicely asks for another bowl of cereal with no prompting to use manners, so I thank him for using his manners and get him another bowl of cereal. He gets up and eats the Cheerios on Natalie's tray. I remind him that they are not his Cheerios and that he needs to eat his own bowl of cereal. I thank him for sitting down.

9:00am: I make coffee. This is one of Timmy's favorite parts of the morning because he likes to "help" me make coffee. This involves him helping me pour a couple scoops of coffee into the filter. Then comes his favorite part - the cinnamon! This kid loves Cinnamon if you haven't caught on yet. He always holds his hand out and says, "Can I have some on my hand?" So I pour a little bit in his hand and he goes to town licking the spice. He does this for any spice - pepper, salt, cumin, chili powder, red pepper flakes...

9:05am: "Mommy, can I watch Boats Mighty Machines please?" We'll tackle the amount of TV we watch another day...Remember, I'm picking my battles today...

9:15am: Timmy pushes Natalie out of his way while playing with his cars. He then tries to take her dinosaur. I gently remind him that it is not nice to push his sister, etc, and that he needs to give back the dinosaur because she was playing with it. He starts to whine and argue, so I remind him that if he can't apologize to Natalie and give her back the dinosaur he will end up in a time out for misbehaving. He says he's sorry and I praise him for listening.

9:20am: He starts harrassing the dog. Repeat the conversation we just had.

9:30am: Suggest that he goes upstairs to go potty. Timmy claims he doesn't have to go. I will give him one more chance before I have to take him up there myself.

9:45am: Remind Timmy about the bathroom. Instead, he climbs under a sofa cushion and hides. Which leads me to the first moment that I pause and save this as a draft before I update again later.

9:50am-11am: Writing this ahead of time - hopefully there will be no major events. The kids will play and watch Boats Mighty Machines while I enjoy a cup of coffee and try to catch up on JM for a few minutes. So far Natalie has played on the Bouncy Brobee, tried to steal my coffee, and drew in my Canon book. Timmy has pushed Natalie once more and then asked me to tuck him in under the sofa cushion. Natalie now has the Jacks and is happily carrying them around the house.

UPDATE at 12:00pm: The rest of the morning went very well overall. Timmy had another accident like yesterday, but not a bad one. He waits too long to go to the bathroom now and short of me physically carrying him to the bathroom, which is not easy for me to do right now, all I can do is remind him constantly and try to take him up there myself. I did finally get him to go but by the time we got there he had already gone a little bit. He and Natalie played really well for awhile and did a lot of spinning and dancing in the dining room. Timmy obsessed over how Wriley poops in the yard and then tried to check Natalie's diaper for poop and in the process stripped her down to her onesie. She didn't mind. She was actually mad that she still had the onesie on.

We had hot dogs and peaches for lunch. I know, so healthy. They were happy though. I tucked Natalie in with her minions and got Timmy ready for rest time, where he is now. The camera battery was close to dead, so it is charging right now. My plan for after rest time is to do some crafts with them. I have an egg magnet project for them to do for Easter so I really hope they'll be into that. If I'm feeling daring, I may get some finger paints out. We shall see!

UPDATE: 6:00pm
This afternoon was awesome! The last two days Timmy and Natalie could not sync up their naps and today they slept at the same time and Natalie even slept til almost 4pm! This could be bad for tonight though. Timmy especially doesn't go to bed well if he's napped during the day.

While Timmy and I were waiting for Natalie to get up from her nap, I discovered that Timmy can open our windows. He opened them up and had a conversation with one of our neighbors, Mr. Dave. A few minutes later, Mr. Dave come to our door and brought Timmy a really neat wooden truck with a notepad on the back. Definitely old school and something we'll have to take very good care of.

After Natalie woke up, I set the kids up with some stickers. Natalie made some foam Easter eggs while Timmy played with his stickers from Aunt Dee. Then I got daring and let them finger paint. They fingered painted for about 15 minutes before they started painting on themselves so up to the tub we went. The kids had a blast in the tub and once again, I got daring and let them play with those Crayola color bubbles that supposedly leave stains. They do stain the skin if you don't scrub it off. I don't think we'll be using them any other time except in tub or maybe out in the grass under the sprinkler.

I let Timmy play in the tub for quite some time while Natalie watched a Babba and I put away a basket of laundry. By that time it was a little after 5 and Chris got home from work. Now Timmy is out in the back yard with Wriley, Chris is cooking dinner, Natalie is wandering around, and I am updating this blog!

Timmy tried to throw a fit during dinner and first refused to pray with us and then he refused to eat. We prayed without him and calmly went on eating. I finally explained to him that he could be a good boy, say his prayers, and eat with us or he could choose to be naughty and disobey and sit in time out. He thought for a moment, grabbed my hand and said his prayers. I explained the same thing to him, quietly while hugging him, to get him to eat. Then we had a noodle eating contest.

He was able to play outside for awhile after dinner too and did well going to bed until Chris came downstairs. We're actually still trying to get him to go to bed nicely, but I expected this since he did nap this afternoon.

So...overall...HUGE improvement over yesterday and I didn't raise my voice at all today! I did my very best to give him options when possible, I let him know that everything was HIS decision (he could choose to be a good boy or be naughty) and praised him as much as I could for doing really nice things like sharing, using his manners, and obeying.

Was today perfect? Not by any means. He's still THREE. But I must say that so far these changes have been for the better!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Debbie Downer.

Allow me to vent for a bit. It is my blog after all - it doesn't always have to be about rainbows and sunshine.

When I was pregnant with Natalie, my mom was in and out of the hospital for severe depression several times. After she was born, my mom did really well for a very long time. Now I'm pregnant again and it seems we're back to the hospital trips. I'm pretty sure I am the most heartless person because right now I just. don't. care. I have spent my entire life dealing with this. Having a mother who suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts, has borderline personality among other things, and on top of it can be overly religious and assume I'm going to Hell for no apparent reason can really weigh on someone after awhile. So yeah, I'm not gonna pretend to care deeply when right at this moment I don't. When one gets their first job, the first words out of your mother's mouth shouldn't be asking for money. I still find it hard to believe that I gave my mother $75 out of my paycheck for nearly a year. For what? I didn't live with her. I was technically an adult. She made it seem like it was reparation for the years she spent raising me and spending her money on me. I was so incredibly brainwashed. So there we go. Right now I don't care.

Three is the most suckiest age I've had to deal with so far. I spent a lot of my day crying because I feel like the most worthless parent with the brattiest kid on the face of the earth.

Last week Chris was in Florida for work. Next month he is going to Arizona for work. Me? I'm stuck at home with the kids just like always except during these times I get no break. I sit and hear Timmy cry for Daddy and I know that if I were gone he wouldn't even bat an eye. I am pretty sure my three-year old hates me and I don't blame him. I'm not very nice these days. I am worn out and exhausted and in so much crampy, uncomfortable pain all the time now. I can't chase these kids. Even taking them outside to play is really tough on me. And for real, if I get any comparisons to your pregnancies or to how I'm "not as big as you" so that I shouldn't feel this way, screw you. Seriously.

Anyway, it just really sucks that he gets to travel and do something different while I am stuck at home being "just the mom." I know it's for work so it's not like he's going and leaving me behind because he's a jerk and I know he'll have things to do that aren't always fun, but I'm still jealous because at least he gets to do it kid free and somewhere where it isn't snowing in April. He says he wants to send me away for a couple days before Baby Boy is born, but really...what is there for me to do in my third trimester of pregnancy when even walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded? What I really want is for him to take the kids somewhere and let me sit in my own house by myself for awhile. Now that would be a nice vacation. I'd love to go sit on a beach somewhere, but right now the idea of sitting on a beach in a bathing suit with my fat belly hanging out is not very thrilling.

So that's that. By the way, rumor has it that my mom will be getting the internet. So...there goes the one place I was mom-free.

ETA: One more thing. Stop trying to save my soul from Hell just because I go to Mars Hill or because I happen to support Rob Bell. I don't necessarily agree with everything he has to say, but I support him and what he is doing. You're welcome to believe the way you want to believe and I am welcome to believe the way I want to believe. You will be wasting your time trying to get me to believe any differently. In fact, the more you try to "witness" to me, the more likely I am to say Screw God in general. When you're greeted by your mother with accusations about a book she hasn't even read regarding your soul and hell, it isn't very pleasant. When you're told to believe a certain way about a book someone hasn't even read, it does nothing but piss me off. You know what? I haven't even finished the book yet so LEAVE ME ALONE. I have heard my pastor speak on his book more than once and his ideas aren't new to the people who have been attending his church for several years. By the way, he never stated any of his ideas as FACT. In fact, they aren't even all his ideas - these theories have been around for years and years. If you're going to read the book with the only intention to prove this man wrong, don't waste your time. Thanks. It's a BOOK. Get over it.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Can't believe I haven't announced...

That we are having a baby BOY! Pretty much everyone knows this by now considering we found out on March 4, but I totally forgot to make an official announcement on my blog! Our ultrasound was great; everything looked good with Baby Boy and he measured right on, so we are still set with a due date of July 18.

We have finally settled on a name, but like always his name will remain a secret until he is born...muwahahaa! I can't wait to see his handsome little face and snuggle him.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Happy Belated Birthday, Timmy!

I've been pretty lazy with blogging again lately. Terrible, I know!

Back on March 13, my little Timothy Philip turned THREE! I can't believe it's already been this long since the little guy was born. He is very much a first-born child in the sense of needing his own attention, liking things to be his way, and trying to take care of others.

He is so incredibly smart, especially when it comes to his vocabulary, speaking, and use of the English language. He speaks more grammatically correct than most adults do. He naturally knows to add "ly" to make words adverbs and he uses large words correctly - words we didn't even know he knew. He recognizes most of the capital letters now and is working on his lowercase letters. He is learning to sound out words and can usually tell you what a letter is by it's sound. We have WordWorld to thank for this!

He is really into music and singing and got a drum set for his birthday. He will sing songs he knows, songs he makes up, and songs that don't make sense. Music is in his blood. That is about where his artistic ability ends. He has no interest whatsoever in coloring or drawing.

We're in the process of potty training Timmy. He is doing really well when it comes to peeing in the potty but he has some kind of mental block when it comes to doing poos in the potty. He will poop in his underwear and it doesn't even phase him. It's very frustrating!

Timmy is a kid of routine. If there's even one thing off in his day, the rest of the day is messed up. He is trying to give up his naps, but will probably sleep 2-4 days a week still - which he needs because he is unbearable if he doesn't sleep!

He has started the "monsters in my room" phase and also says that lions, flamingos, and cement mixers visit him in his room at night. Some nights he sleeps really well and other nights he's up for awhile, scared of the monsters in his room.

His favorite shows to watch are Mighty Machine DVDs, WordWorld, Yo Gabba Gabba, Fresh Beat Band, and his favorite movie is Madagascar. Playing with his cars and trucks is still his favorite thing to do whether he is inside or outside. He loves to play outside even when it's 10 degrees outside.

He's still a Daddy's Boy but loves his Mommy very much too - but no one beats his grandparents, especially his grandpas. Natalie is his best friend and his worst nightmare. The two of them are inseparable though they tend to fight most of the time when they are tired. He loves to copy her and follow her around and she loves to try and play with his toys with him.

Three is way worse than two when it comes to his attitude and meltdowns. He will flip out over things that are very simple and trivial to adults but to him it is the end of the world. For example, if his banana is cut in half he throws a tantrum. We have to pick our battles with him or every day happenings, like bath time, can be an absolute mess.

Despite all of this, he is still a sweet, loving little boy who can't get enough hugs and smoochies and must be tucked in several times during his rest time and at bedtime. He doesn't hesitate to tell someone he loves them and is very friendly and likes to introduce himself to people - he just forgets to ask for their name!

Happy #3, my sweet baby boy!