Normal to be Not Normal

It hasn't even been two weeks since my diagnosis of PE, but I've had almost no real information on how recovery really will be, so I assumed I'd be back to normal by now. I pushed myself this week thinking there was something wrong with me for feeling like I wasn't okay yet. I've been having several panic attacks a day now and am feeling anxious most of the time. My heart beats so hard and so fast most of the time that I'm surprised other people can't hear it. I am winded by walking up or down a flight of stairs. My back pain is off the charts most of the time but I figure that's because I'm a wuss. I pretend it's all okay and tell everyone I'm doing great because I don't want to be a complainer or an attention seeker. I want to be normal. I want to get back into life again and enjoy my kids and be out and about doing normal activities. Right now even grocery shopping sounds fun.

But the truth is, I'm not doing well. Not at all. I am freaked out over every little pain I feel. I am scared that it's another clot or that the clot I have isn't dissolving and it's going to move out of my lungs and into my heart or my brain or somewhere it shouldn't be. I realize this is silly - I'm on blood thinners now and it would take a lot for the clot to move elsewhere at this point - but it still crosses my mind.

I am exhausted. I'm not just talking like, "Oh, it was a long day, I'm ready for bed" exhausted, but full blown I just did 500 crunches, ran a marathon, and am pregnant with quadruplets and it's the first trimester kind of exhausted. EXHAUSTED. From doing what you ask? Nothing. I don't have the energy to do ANYTHING.  I could lay down at any given minute of the day and fall asleep and sleep through til the next day, get up for an hour, and do it again. Yet I continued to push myself this week. I even toyed with the idea of going to the gym (thankfully that didn't work out because there was no electricity at the gym on the day we were going to go).

Don't even get me started on survivor's guilt. You have no idea how I feel right now. Depression, anxiety...so many "it should've been me" thoughts. What's worse is that I also wonder how many people think, "It should've been you." Two women, same week, same diagnosis - one lives, one dies. I know that someone out there has to be thinking it.

My kids haven't had a nice meal in two weeks. Chris is so busy with work and it's not something he can easily take off time from right now. I'm exhausted (did I mention that?) so between the two of us, our kids might get half of a real meal twice a week. Right now the kids eat crackers and yogurt for lunch. It's terrible. I'm just not into doing anything. Those rare moments when I finally have any energy to do something are spent doing laundry or the dishes.

No matter how much I talk about this, I feel like I just can't justify feeling this way. My PE was pretty mild compared to most. So why am I feeling like this? I should be grateful I'm as healthy as I am. Instead of bitching and moaning that I feel like crap, I should be out and about and enjoying life now that I've been really given a second chance to live it.

So I did some googling. I know, Google is not my friend. But I wanted to read real accounts of recovery from PEs from people who have experienced this first hand. I found this absolutely amazing site and here is a great list that describes different issues with recovery and some ways to cope with them: http://lwelch.hubpages.com/hub/Pulmonary-Embolism-Recovery-Tips

And guess what - the list that the author made - made me realize that all these feelings ARE normal. It's OKAY for me to feel this way. I was trying so hard to get back to normal and I guess I need to accept that fact that right now, this IS normal. I don't know when I'll be able to have energy to do anything or be able to take a walk and not get short of breath or even be able to go a day without feeling like someone is taking a sledgehammer to my back and chest, but at least for now that's normal.

So if you see me and you ask how I'm doing, I'm going to tell you that I'm doing great and I feel great. It won't be the truth, but at least you'll know I'm lying now. And then maybe you can just say a prayer for me or give me a hug or maybe offer to help with the kids or bring the kids something to eat. Or not, it's okay. I get by. I guess this is my feeble attempt to ask for help.

Thirty-Nine Weeks

I will be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I haven't really been blogging because I figure most people don't want to read about the complaints I have had lately - everyone gets enough of that on facebook and elsewhere. I really don't mean to complain and I try my best to roll with things, but like the end of my pregnancy with Natalie, anxiety has really set it - only worse this time.

It started when there was the risk of facing a c-section due to Baby Boy's position. At 35 weeks we discovered he was transverse. I had a couple more ultrasounds and thankfully he has been staying head down for the most part since 37 weeks. I have also had contractions on and off daily for two weeks now. Sometimes they have become pretty strong and just a few minutes apart, but they always taper off especially if I am able to relax in bed and go to sleep. I did end up in labor and delivery once though - not for contractions, but for bleeding. Turns out the bleeding was just from being checked at my doctor's appointment, but it was still stressful nonetheless.

I am 2cm dilated and thick and have been for weeks now. I feel like the contractions I've endured have done nothing except cause me unnecessary pain, which is another reason I've been frustrated and anxious. I know that you can go from no progress at all to having a baby in just a few short hours, but knowing that my body isn't making the physical progress is frustrating. I also realize that I still have a week until my due date and all a due date is is an estimate - not an expiration date. I am just done. I've had severe hip pain and back pain over the last week, sometimes to the point that I cannot walk or lift my legs and the pain of even rolling over in bed brings me to tears. I've learned this is a condition called Pelvic Girdle Pain. I just do my best to make sure I don't overdo it the way I did on the 4th. Today my hips feel like they are dislocated, but it's not to the point where I can't walk.

I've been feeling so depressed and anxious lately. I've spent so many days in the last couple weeks stuck in crying jags that last for hours. It only takes one thing to set me off whether it's just a bad morning with the kids or the sudden thought that soon I'll have a newborn, a toddler, and a preschooler. I constantly find myself doubting my abilities as a mom and worrying about my relationship with all three kids. I worry that I'll be neglecting all of them for different reasons. I am afraid I won't be able to have that bonding time with Baby Boy because I'll be so busy taking care of Natalie and Timmy. It took me ten months to really start to feel like I had bonded with Natalie and that in itself was part of the cause of my PPD after she was born.

I'm starting on Zoloft to help ward off any strong feelings of depression. The funny thing is, I got the prescription filled two days ago and I've yet to take a pill because I simply haven't remembered. It isn't going to do me any good if it's sitting on the counter unopened. I've also been given the option to induce at the end of the week. It's entirely up to me. Part of me just wants to do the induction to be done with everything and to know that there is an end in sight. Even though knowing that I can plan the day of his (possible) birth, I am still leaning against doing an induction until I'm at least overdue. I still like the idea of possibly having a due date baby and at this point it's only a week away. Plus, there are so many risks involved with having an induction and I really want to avoid having pitocin if I don't have to have it. It is definitely something I am praying about and will have to see how I am feeling by my appointment on Wednesday.

It's not all bad though - knowing that this is most likely the last time I'll be pregnant (Lord willing) I am doing my best to enjoy the endless kicking and rolling from this boy. I know there will be times when I will feel "empty" after he is born. I felt that way so strongly after Timmy was born. I am really looking forward to newborn snuggles.

It is really fun watching Timmy talk to Baby Brother through my tummy and having him feel the baby kick. He is really excited for Baby Brother to come and play :)

I will just have to wait and see what this next week holds for us.

What to do?

Now that I have totally gotten everything out and ranted and vented how I have been feeling, I need to figure out what I can do to change the things in my life that are really weighing me down.

First, in regards to being sick, I can go to the doctor. I have an appointment at 2 (conveniently during rest time) so hopefully they can give me something to help my cough. Once I start feeling better physically, maybe some of the other things in my life will start to improve - mainly my lack of energy. If I had even 50% more energy things would be better around here. I can't even walk up and down the stairs without getting winded and wanting to lay down for awhile.

Second, with the worry about my bleeding (which is gone today, yay!) I can see my ob. I have my 28 week appointment tomorrow morning. I can also talk to him about how I've been feeling and see what I can do during pregnancy to help with anxiety and possible depression. This is how I was feeling during the last few weeks that I was pregnant with Natalie. Most of my blog entries from July and August 2009 are about anxiety. After she was born those feelings didn't go away and I was put on Paxil without much research from myself and that ended up being one of the worst experiences in my life. I will never again go on Paxil and I will never again go on an anxiety or depression med without researching it first. I do worry about getting PPD again.

As far as Timmy goes, I'll keep pushing forward and just take things one minute at a time sometimes. Some days are and will be better than others and when those "other" days are here and I feel so lousy to begin with, it sure doesn't make dealing with Timmy any easier.

And it sure would be nice to see some SUNSHINE around here! I know that will help for sure! As much as I love rainy days, the last month has been raining and I am OVER IT. I am especially over it for my "neighbors" to the south. The tornado outbreak over the last week has been devastating to say the least. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone dealing with the aftermath.

Today is a new day and it's up to me how I will make it.

Debbie Downer.

Allow me to vent for a bit. It is my blog after all - it doesn't always have to be about rainbows and sunshine.

When I was pregnant with Natalie, my mom was in and out of the hospital for severe depression several times. After she was born, my mom did really well for a very long time. Now I'm pregnant again and it seems we're back to the hospital trips. I'm pretty sure I am the most heartless person because right now I just. don't. care. I have spent my entire life dealing with this. Having a mother who suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts, has borderline personality among other things, and on top of it can be overly religious and assume I'm going to Hell for no apparent reason can really weigh on someone after awhile. So yeah, I'm not gonna pretend to care deeply when right at this moment I don't. When one gets their first job, the first words out of your mother's mouth shouldn't be asking for money. I still find it hard to believe that I gave my mother $75 out of my paycheck for nearly a year. For what? I didn't live with her. I was technically an adult. She made it seem like it was reparation for the years she spent raising me and spending her money on me. I was so incredibly brainwashed. So there we go. Right now I don't care.

Three is the most suckiest age I've had to deal with so far. I spent a lot of my day crying because I feel like the most worthless parent with the brattiest kid on the face of the earth.

Last week Chris was in Florida for work. Next month he is going to Arizona for work. Me? I'm stuck at home with the kids just like always except during these times I get no break. I sit and hear Timmy cry for Daddy and I know that if I were gone he wouldn't even bat an eye. I am pretty sure my three-year old hates me and I don't blame him. I'm not very nice these days. I am worn out and exhausted and in so much crampy, uncomfortable pain all the time now. I can't chase these kids. Even taking them outside to play is really tough on me. And for real, if I get any comparisons to your pregnancies or to how I'm "not as big as you" so that I shouldn't feel this way, screw you. Seriously.

Anyway, it just really sucks that he gets to travel and do something different while I am stuck at home being "just the mom." I know it's for work so it's not like he's going and leaving me behind because he's a jerk and I know he'll have things to do that aren't always fun, but I'm still jealous because at least he gets to do it kid free and somewhere where it isn't snowing in April. He says he wants to send me away for a couple days before Baby Boy is born, but really...what is there for me to do in my third trimester of pregnancy when even walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded? What I really want is for him to take the kids somewhere and let me sit in my own house by myself for awhile. Now that would be a nice vacation. I'd love to go sit on a beach somewhere, but right now the idea of sitting on a beach in a bathing suit with my fat belly hanging out is not very thrilling.

So that's that. By the way, rumor has it that my mom will be getting the internet. So...there goes the one place I was mom-free.

ETA: One more thing. Stop trying to save my soul from Hell just because I go to Mars Hill or because I happen to support Rob Bell. I don't necessarily agree with everything he has to say, but I support him and what he is doing. You're welcome to believe the way you want to believe and I am welcome to believe the way I want to believe. You will be wasting your time trying to get me to believe any differently. In fact, the more you try to "witness" to me, the more likely I am to say Screw God in general. When you're greeted by your mother with accusations about a book she hasn't even read regarding your soul and hell, it isn't very pleasant. When you're told to believe a certain way about a book someone hasn't even read, it does nothing but piss me off. You know what? I haven't even finished the book yet so LEAVE ME ALONE. I have heard my pastor speak on his book more than once and his ideas aren't new to the people who have been attending his church for several years. By the way, he never stated any of his ideas as FACT. In fact, they aren't even all his ideas - these theories have been around for years and years. If you're going to read the book with the only intention to prove this man wrong, don't waste your time. Thanks. It's a BOOK. Get over it.

Today was not a good day.

Well, yesterday wasn't much better. Baby Girl is in yet another growth spurt and this has been the growth spurt from hell. During the day, both yesterday and today, she hasn't slept for more than 45 minutes at a time and probably averages ten minutes for most naps. I'm sure she'd sleep longer if I held her the entire time, but seeings how I have to take care of The Boy too, it just doesn't work out that way.

She is also eating non-stop. My poor boobies cannot keep up. She will nurse me dry on both sides and then drink another ounce or two from a bottle and be hungry thirty minutes later. This is no joke. My boobies really aren't satisfying her these days and I have a feeling we'll end up where we did with The Boy when he was a month old - supplementing with formula because I couldn't keep up with him. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with formula feeding. I was just really hoping to avoid having to use it so quickly because it's so expensive. I'm trying to push through this with nursing as much as possible and pumping to keep my supply up, but I'm really feeling like a failure because I cannot get her to be full for longer than an hour and I can't get her to sleep for more than forty-five minutes. She won't even sleep on her tummy in the pnp anymore, something she had done so beautifully up until a couple days ago. She would do two two hours naps in the pnp every day for me and just hasn't for a few days now.

As we speak, she just woke up from a thirty minute snooze. I'm just going to go straight for the bottle this time because I'd like to see how much she is actually taking in at a feeding. And some people questioned why I pumped...well, here's your answer - Growth Spurts. And time off for my over-worked boobies.

How many times have I mentioned my boobies so far? Not enough.

BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES!!! MY BOOBIES!!!!

That should suffice.

Anyway, back to my craptacular couple of days. Baby Girl, The Husband, and I were literally up with her all night. I did not get to sleep until 4am and it was pretty crappy sleep at that since I have had to sleep in the recliner to get her to sleep for any length of time. She will not sleep on her back. She will not sleep swaddled. She will not sleep unless she is held and I am not a huge fan of co-sleeping in bed because, if you have met either me or The Husband, we are messy sleepers and The Husband is a very sound sleeper, in more ways than one! I do not trust us to sleep with her in the bed with us. In the recliner I have a system down and I can feel every little move she makes, which is why she sleeps beautifully and I sleep craptastically.

So, there is no red underline beneath craptastically. Is it a word?

Well, after a night of very little sleep, I figured Baby Girl would sleep better today but NOPE. She and The Boy both decided they were just way too cool to sleep and twice today, The Husband has come home to give me a break. I cried all last night. I cried all day today. I am exhausted and I feel like a big fat frickin' failure as a parent. I have yelled [read: screamed] at Timmy for no reason today. I have thrown things. Today was not very pretty.

I am not doing well and could really use some prayers. Please. I can't do this anymore. I am at the very end of my very thin rope and at some point this rope is going to break and my kids will be the victims. Someone is going to have to get the help for me because I am too exhausted to do it myself.