Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Today was not a good day.

Well, yesterday wasn't much better. Baby Girl is in yet another growth spurt and this has been the growth spurt from hell. During the day, both yesterday and today, she hasn't slept for more than 45 minutes at a time and probably averages ten minutes for most naps. I'm sure she'd sleep longer if I held her the entire time, but seeings how I have to take care of The Boy too, it just doesn't work out that way.

She is also eating non-stop. My poor boobies cannot keep up. She will nurse me dry on both sides and then drink another ounce or two from a bottle and be hungry thirty minutes later. This is no joke. My boobies really aren't satisfying her these days and I have a feeling we'll end up where we did with The Boy when he was a month old - supplementing with formula because I couldn't keep up with him. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with formula feeding. I was just really hoping to avoid having to use it so quickly because it's so expensive. I'm trying to push through this with nursing as much as possible and pumping to keep my supply up, but I'm really feeling like a failure because I cannot get her to be full for longer than an hour and I can't get her to sleep for more than forty-five minutes. She won't even sleep on her tummy in the pnp anymore, something she had done so beautifully up until a couple days ago. She would do two two hours naps in the pnp every day for me and just hasn't for a few days now.

As we speak, she just woke up from a thirty minute snooze. I'm just going to go straight for the bottle this time because I'd like to see how much she is actually taking in at a feeding. And some people questioned why I pumped...well, here's your answer - Growth Spurts. And time off for my over-worked boobies.

How many times have I mentioned my boobies so far? Not enough.


That should suffice.

Anyway, back to my craptacular couple of days. Baby Girl, The Husband, and I were literally up with her all night. I did not get to sleep until 4am and it was pretty crappy sleep at that since I have had to sleep in the recliner to get her to sleep for any length of time. She will not sleep on her back. She will not sleep swaddled. She will not sleep unless she is held and I am not a huge fan of co-sleeping in bed because, if you have met either me or The Husband, we are messy sleepers and The Husband is a very sound sleeper, in more ways than one! I do not trust us to sleep with her in the bed with us. In the recliner I have a system down and I can feel every little move she makes, which is why she sleeps beautifully and I sleep craptastically.

So, there is no red underline beneath craptastically. Is it a word?

Well, after a night of very little sleep, I figured Baby Girl would sleep better today but NOPE. She and The Boy both decided they were just way too cool to sleep and twice today, The Husband has come home to give me a break. I cried all last night. I cried all day today. I am exhausted and I feel like a big fat frickin' failure as a parent. I have yelled [read: screamed] at Timmy for no reason today. I have thrown things. Today was not very pretty.

I am not doing well and could really use some prayers. Please. I can't do this anymore. I am at the very end of my very thin rope and at some point this rope is going to break and my kids will be the victims. Someone is going to have to get the help for me because I am too exhausted to do it myself.

Monday, September 28, 2009


Originally uploaded by kittenhead66
Guilt plays an important part of our lives. More often than not, I find myself feeling guilty over the things I do, whether I should feel guilty about them or not. Growing up I was taught that pretty much anything and everything is a sin and while some people find this pretty extreme, this was my childhood.

There were so many things I was not allowed to do. I wasn't allowed to watch [much] TV, read [most] books, listen to [most] music, and most especially visit my dad unless it was on his court appointed days. When I was in middle school, my mom was present with a video called "Be On Guard" and it was about all of the books, toys, TV, and music that were full of sin and should be avoided at all costs. Among the list was He-Man, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and the Smurfs.

It was during middle school that I loved the book series The Babysitters Club. Ironically, this was a series that I wasn't allowed to read so I had to get the books from the library and hide them in my room, much like one of the main characters in the series would hide Nancy Drew novels in her room. This was my existence. I loved reading these books and some would say it was my guilty pleasure - again with the word "guilt."

I think this carried over into my adult life. I feel guilty over every little thing I do. The most one-on-one time I spent with The Boy today was when I gave him his bath. I feel guilty because I couldn't read to him and I couldn't snuggle with him even when he desperately tried to climb into my lap several times today but I had to push him away because I was feeding his sister. More than once he brought me a pile of books to read with him, but I couldn't because I was, as always, feeding his sister. I feel so guilty that I'm already ruining my relationship with my son and I know these feelings are justified, yet silly.

I feel guilty right now because I'm taking ten minutes to myself while Baby Girl fusses in her PNP. I need these few minutes because she has not slept since 4:15pm and it is now 9:15pm. Somehow a four week old baby goes five hours awake and still manages to wake up every hour to eat during the night.

I hate guilt and it's something I need to get out of my life. I am doing the best I can right now but I feel like my best just isn't enough. My little boy is suffering because I have to share his time with another person. My little girl is suffering because I have to share my time with another person. There is just not enough of me to go around.

And now I feel really, really guilty because I ended the last sentence with a preposition.

Friday, September 18, 2009

It's been awhile!

On September 1, 2009, Baby Girl was born right on her due date (by 7 minutes). She is just beautiful and things here are going pretty well overall. Big Brother is adjusting alright, but he sure does have his moments! He dotes on her though, giving her lots of hugs and smoochies. I'd love to update more, but I can hear The Boy up and playing in his crib so I better go get the stinker up from his nap.