Tuesday, October 15, 2013

On Hold

A few days ago Natalie asked me a question that has stuck with me. I was on the computer, reading or typing something, ironically I can't remember what it was. She said something to me and I automatically replied, "Just a sec." 

"Mommy, why do always say 'just a sec' when I am talking to you?" 

Ouch. It stung because it was true. Every time I am on the computer and typing or reading, I put her on hold. I put all the kids on hold. I immediately closed the computer and pulled her onto my lap. 

"You're right; I always do make you wait to talk to me so I can finish what I am doing first." 

"Why do you do that?"
"I don't know, but I'm not going to do that anymore. You are so much more important to me than whatever I'm reading. I'm sorry that I've been ignoring you. What do you want to ask me?"

It's so hard to drop everything to listen to a four year old jabber nonstop about ponies or what her brother did that was naughty but these are the things that are important to her. If I ignore her now, she'll give up talking to me altogether. When the time comes that she will really need to tell me something important, I need to be available to her. I need to be available to all of my kids. 

Even if right now the questions she's asking me are making my head spin...Why does fire make people die? Why can't I climb on the roof? Why don't snakes have legs? 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Admitting Defeat

I feel very defeated today. I am exhausted. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of nonstop chaos. School started, which meant a brand new school for Timmy, all day every day, and dealing with an overly tired five year old is definitely wearing thin on me. Natalie now goes to school three days a week, which isn't a huge deal. I'm frustrated with her because she went through almost the entire month of August and the first half of September without any accidents at all. The last week she has peed in her undies at least once a day again. If she were actually trying or felt bad when she had accidents I wouldn't be so upset, but she just doesn't try and she just doesn't care. She lies to me about it. So she gets a time out. I reiterate that the time out is for lying, not for the accident. She just doesn't care. Have I mentioned that age four is my least favorite age so far? Timmy was the worst child I had ever seen when he was 4. Now Natalie has his that age and I'm ready to run away forever. And Sammy? He refuses to wear diapers but pees on the floor. He rarely naps now and is unbearable when he doesn't. He has discovered how to voice his opinion and is getting physical. He pushes Tim and Nat and yells at everyone. He screeches that pteradatcyl screech any time he doesn't approve of something. My head is ready to explode by 5pm.

Then Chris was gone on a trip to the UP and then for work and while I am happy he got to have some time to himself to go hand out with friends and do something fun, I am incredibly jealous. When is it my turn? When do I get to go away for a week without kids? I never have. I'm fairly certain that the only time I have ever been able to be away from my kids over night (by myself) was when I was in the hospital last year. Oh boy, what a vacation that was! Almost dying, hopped up on incredibly strong drugs, and in constant and severe pain. Party time!

I joined the Moms Club in hopes of making new friends (which I have!) and being able to get out and do fun things with the kids but I haven't done anything! It's partly on me - when I am actually able to go do something with them I am just so exhausted and grouchy that I stay home so that no one has to deal with me being a whiny pile of over-tired mommy. Now I start a new "gig" tomorrow and help with childcare at a Bible study. I'm happy to help this and start saving some of my own money, but now I'm really feeling like I'm being spread too thin. I'm trying to help with things at Nat's preschool, I want to be involved with Timmy's school, and I feel very overwhelmed now.

What I want - a trip to a nice hotel (doesn't have to be overly fancy, just something with a clean tub, nice smelling towels, a comfy bed, a fridge, and an awesome TV with lots of channels. I want to be by myself - ALL ALONE - for like three nights. Somewhere with a continental breakfast and coffee available at all times. And not in Grand Rapids. I don't want to be close enough that if my kids want me I feel guilty being that close. I want to be far enough away that it wouldn't make sense for me to go home so that I don't feel as much guilt for being away from them. I want to watch movies and crap TV. I want to write. I want to crochet. I want to nap whenever I feel like napping. I want to take a walk by myself in an area where I'm unfamiliar so that it seems like an adventure.


I know, in 16 years my kids will theoretically be out of the house and then I'll get my break, right? Probably not. But I can dream!