Monday, May 3, 2010


In my blogs of yesteryear there were many a post pertaining to my mother and the fact that she is stone cold crazy. Today I have to make an amendment. For a couple years now, I've had my mom over to visit for the day probably about once a month, give or take. In these past couple of years my mom has been hospitalized several times, but I am proud to say it has been almost a year since her last hospitilization! I'd kinda like to think I have a tiny bit to do with that. I've made a big effort to involve her in my life and to visit her, have her babysit, have her over, etc. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, it's hard to know what type of mom I'm going to get on any certain day, but really she has made some big changes and is really loosening up and making a huge effort to not like her BPD take over her life. Sure, she has moments where she's letting it get the best of her, but quite honestly, I've really enjoyed spending time with my mom lately and it hasn't been forced.

So, to all the people that have read past blogs or know my mom personally, please know that my mom has a mental disease - most of what she does or says is not meant. She is really one of the most compassionate and open people I've met. She's sweet and forgiving and has a funny sense of humor. Really, she just wants people to like her and wants to like everyone she meets. So while there may be times in the past and times in the future that I complain about her, I'm allowed. She's my mom. But if anyone has anything to say about my mom you better watch it!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

ultimate love

This morning at church I witnessed the most genuine love I've ever seen. My eyes are always drawn to the babies during the service and Chris can always expect me to gush and whisper with a sigh, "Baby!" followed by "I miss my babies."

As the service was ending, we were all standing and singing songs, nothing new. I looked across the aisle and saw the sweetest scene I have ever seen in my life. I was literally brought to tears at the sight of the most genuine love I have ever I already said.

Remember the scenes in Titanic as the boat is sinking and people have pretty much figured out they're going to die? First there's the scene of the mother reading to her children then the scene of the old couple holding each other in bed. Take those two moments and squish them together and you have what I saw...sorta.

What I saw was a sweet little boy, maybe a year old, sleeping, snuggled between his grandparents. Grandma had one of his hands in hers and she caressed the top of his hand with her thumb, her head leaning over his. On the other side of the little boy was Grandpa, gently rubbing the little boy's other arm, his head also leaning over the little boy's head so that his head was almost bumping his wife's.

Besides the word love, the other word that comes to mind when I saw them was "safe." That is one little boy who was completely at peace and even as he woke up to the sounds of drums and guitars blasting through the shed, there was not a moment of fear in his eyes. He snuggled back in between them, sharing their laps, and went back to sleep. How safe he must've felt there in their arms, both of them smiling as they hugged their grandson. Honestly, I'm not sure, but these could have even been his great-grandparents. The couple had to be in their 80s and we saw the little boy before the service with another woman we assumed to be his grandma (she was carrying a bag with his face on it, typical grandma fashion).

That little boy is going to grow up never having any doubt that he is loved.