Classical Music

You guys, I love music. We all know this. I love all types of music and can appreciate a little bit of everything from time to time as long as it's not too obnoxious or full of nasty crap. For instance, I love Prodigy. I also love Benny Goodman and that's who I am going to talk about today.

I am so grateful to my dad and my mom both for playing classical music for me as a child (and jazz as Benny Goodman was mostly known for his swing and jazz style music). Some of my most favorite memories are afternoon naps and going to bed when my mom would play Benny Goodman doing Mozart. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY6vLmjUAeI ) I'm currently listening to it right now and all it does is stir up those rare happy moments from my childhood.

I remember my dad and my sister both playing the clarinet when I was a kid and I wished I had the skill to pick up a clarinet and play it without sounding like a dying mouse. I can play a saxophone, but I can't even begin to play a clarinet. Speaking of dying mice, we caught a mouse in our living room the other night and the poor little turd got it's tail stuck under our couch leg and there was a lovely little path of mouse blood. So gross. Poor little Stuart.

Some of my other favorite classical music would be Haydn's Horn Concerto #1. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swGw9HHOEK4 ) I could play this (near) perfectly and when I wanted to play it for solo & ensemble, my band teacher said it was too difficult for me. He wouldn't even give me a chance to play part of it for him. You can ask my mom, she'll vouch for my French Horn playing abilities.

This is a popular one, most people recognize this when they hear it, but it's still lovely. Vivaldi Four Seasons - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRxofEmo3HA

For some insanely creepy yet beautiful and moving music, look no further than The Changeling soundtrack. Fantastic movie (RIP George C Scott) with amazing music. The Music Box Theme is so eerie and macabre. Full Soundtrack https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdQ4ebsEg9s Music Box Theme https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fHwLudbRj4

Anyway, I have a feeling this post will go unseen but I'll later look at it and be able to find links to some of my favorite pieces. Enjoy :)

Storms

It's been awhile, yet again, since I've posted. Today I'm just going to write about some randomness and that randomness is about storms.

I'm not going to be all sorts of metaphorical and talk about "storms in life." I'm talking about real storms - storms with streaking lightning and booming thunder and pelting rain. Storms that can be so full of electricity that the hair on your arms will stand up. Storms that are so windy your gas permeable lenses are almost pulled from your eyes.

Ever since I can remember, I have always loved storms. While most people dread seeing storms in the forecast, I get excited. I have skipped more than one meal because WoodTV8 has interrupted our regularly scheduled programming to bring us a weather alert and I become glued to the TV like it's the Super Bowl.

I remember being as young as three or four years old and my older brother Tony and I would be sitting on our enclosed front porch with the main door open and peering through the screen door, past the bus garage and football field, and into a darkened sky filled with lightning. My mom told us that the thunder was just Smurfs bowling. I told Timmy that once and he blinked his eyes at me like I had lost my ever-loving mind.

As Tony and I got older, we would take the stools from the counter and sit in the studio (basically just a back room in our house, but we dubbed it the studio because when my Dad and Mom were still married, that is where my dad had his music studio) and stare out the big window with the broken window sill (broken because my dad had taken a broom and tried to kill a wily and elusive bat that had made it inside our home and instead of hitting the bat, hit the sill instead) and gaze across "the back 40" (our nickname for the backyard) and watch storms roll in from the west. By the way, I am aware that that sentence is quite long and confusing, possibly a run on sentence. I'm okay with that.

Not everyone is like me, though. My little (but bigger than me) brother was a little more on the anxious side when storms rolled through. The only reason this entire blog post came to mind was because I watch my kids together and they fight so horribly now. They can be so mean to each other and everyone says it's normal and it's sibling rivalry. For me, it just wasn't ever that way. I rarely ever fought with my brothers. They were my best friends. My sister and I never really fought, but she is also much older than I am and was out of the house by the time I was nine. I was super close to my brothers (I'm closest to my sister now that we are adults though!) and we truly never fought. I don't know if it's just because we were spaced out enough in age to not always be in each others' business or if it is because I only saw them a few times a month because of our various custody schedules. Either way, any time my little brother and I would even start to fight, we would be immediately say 'fake fight!' and then we'd hug and go back to being best friends.

Like I said, my little brother wasn't a big fan of storms when we were young. There is one very specific memory I have from when we were about 8 and 11ish and we had a pretty strong storm rolling through during the evening. I think only me and my brothers were home at the time and there was a lot of thunder and lightning going on. We were watching TV and I was sitting in one of the recliners. At one point there was a clap of thunder that shook the house and my little brother squished himself into the recliner next to me. I put my arm around him to keep him safe and we sat like that until the storm passed.

There truly wasn't much more time after that when my little brother surpassed me in height and our roles reversed - he became the one that protected me from boys and jerks and bullies. Even now he stands nearly a foot taller than me and even though we don't see each other that much anymore, he still takes care of me.

As for my big brother, we are still pretty much the same person. We share almost all of the same loves whether it is our love of storms or our interests in conspiracy theories or our taste for music and movies.

I don't really know why I felt compelled to write this, but I'm glad I did. I should do this more often.

Top of the World

This isn't going to be a typical post for my blog. It doesn't have anything to do with my kids, anxiety, funny things that have happened, a birthday post, etc.

This blog post is dedicated to my cousin-sister who is getting married today. Let me tell you, sitting down to write this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I don't know if it's because I'm so beyond happy for her or because I'm super sick and can't make it to the wedding that I'm sitting here a weepy mess as I go through the last 20 years of memories.

I met my cousin Alicia when I was not quite 15. She was...8? I don't even remember exactly. We weren't technically cousins, and even now, we aren't related by blood - but we are by love. Her mom was dating my step-uncle and we met because I would become her babysitter (along with her little brother..dang jacob was a handful! I do remember threatening to hot glue his head to the garage door :/ HA. He's grown up to be a very funny, handsome man who got married recently himself!). I seriously wonder if Aunt Julie regrets ever asking me to babysit knowing the things I would teach her during those years, ha!

So many memories. Ish is pretty lucky that I don't have many old school pics of us from our younger days - our crazy styled 90s hair, big ugly glasses...yikes! But we have been through so much together. Her devastating car accident that left her with a broken back. I remember running home from school to celebrate with her when she got her back brace off. We broke hammocks together, I made her laugh til she puked...TWICE...we danced in the rain (or storms maybe) had some amazing days camping and fishing together, walking home in negative temperatures and saluting cars as they drove by...dancing and singing for hours on end. Slumber parties, late night movie fests...I came home early from homecoming so I could spend my time with her my senior year. She was truly the little sister I never had and always wanted.

Brent, I have yet to meet you in person, but I know you must be some kinda awesome if Alicia chose you to be her husband for always. I know I don't have to say it, but I am just kinda throwing it out there...treat my girl well. Love her always, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, and never question the strange relationship she has with me and our weird love of The Carpenters.

Speaking of...I guess it's time for me to pass this on. Alicia, this can no longer be one of our songs. One of my gifts to you is simply this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANZ1sUwg_Fg

BUT this is still ours

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDPMmaHWj1I

There are so many more memories that I didn't mention (like actually singing that song together at the Ionia theater, when you got me hooked up with my first "real" phone haha...I named it Burt...your snuggles with my babies...dancing with you at my wedding...I wish I could be there to dance with you at yours...) and I wish I had pictures for each memory to share but really no one really would understand how awesome we are anyway.

I love you and I am over the moon for you. You make me proud. My kids are questioning why I'm listening to the Carpenters and sobbing while I type. You'd think they'd be used to this by now.

Hey look, I found a couple pics :D

Long Lost Blogger

Yep, as usual life got going and I haven't update in ages. Let's see, what is going on here in Cavaland...

+ Timmy started kindergarten! He is having so much fun in his new class and has already made some new friends! He talks a lot about Eden (a friend from preschool!), Mussa, Ryan, and Riley. The days are long and he often comes home an emotional mess, but he is learning so much and his mind is such a sponge. He is sounding out words and trying to spell words on his own. Yesterday he spelled out a-b-l and said, "Look! I spelled apple!" Even though it wasn't even close to most people, I was really impressed by him trying to find the sounds in the word.

+ Natalie started MWF preschool This is going to be the year that will decide if I put her in kindergarten next year or in young 5s. The way she is going now, I can see her going straight into kindergarten, but it's so hard to say. She IS potty trained FINALLY but recently has been having random accidents again, but I remember Timmy doing that at 4. She loves school and has so many little friends to play with, her favorites being Megan, Kenzie, and Ki'ahir.

+ Sammy turned 2 over the summer and he is definitely taking the terrible twos very seriously lately. He is exerting his own will most of the time and yells NO to us a lot, but he is still a very sweet snuggler who jabbers nonstop.

+ We went to the UP with Tim and Nat in August. It was actually a lot of fun with very little issues! We hiked and went to Lake Superior but most of the time we spent our days being lazy at the cabin and enjoying the beautiful weather and scenery. Natalie loved collecting toads in a bucket while Timmy loved fishing and swimming with Chris. I enjoyed not having to chase a two year old, but did miss my Sammy. He spent that week with Grandpa and Grandma C getting to have his own special time being spoiled.

+ We said goodbye to Wriley last week. It was her time, as the saying goes. Her hips were getting really bad and her legs would go out from under her while she walked and her aggression was getting really bad. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Timmy and I were a mess. Every day now we talk about what Wriley and Cooper are doing in Doggy Heaven. We agree that they are usually swimming or eating.

+ I joined a Moms Club through an online friend who actually happens to live by me! I haven't been able to do much with the group yet because Chris was gone to the UP for a few days and then had a work conference for a few more, but I'm really hoping to be able to do some more things with them in October. The ladies are all really nice!

+ I'm starting a new "job" this week! On Thursday mornings I'll be helping with childcare at a church nearby while there is a Bible Study going on. It does pay AND I get to bring my kids with me! Awesome! It may not seem like much, but it's a start! It won't be long and I'll be heading back into the working (out of the home) world and will need some things to plump up my resume considering I haven't worked out of the home since 2008!

That's about all I can think of right now. I'll try to do individual posts about the kids and how they are doing eventually, but for now I am just trying to keep up on any updates!

BTW - I don't plan on making this blog be JUST about the kids - I have so many other things I want to write about - my struggles with weight loss and health troubles, things I like, crafts and what not...but for the most part I do just love writing about my kids and about parenting from the perspective of a flaky mom with her hands full most of the time. I hope people do continue to read even if it does get boring!

Samuel at *Almost* 21 Months

This Boy. This Samuel Harrison. I cannot begin to even describe this little guy. He is one of the most laid back, mellow, affectionate little boys I have ever seen. Most of the time. The rest of the time, this kid is  climbing. Everything. EVERYTHING. He is HILARIOUS too - the way he rambles his gibberish, his expressions, the things that he does with toys...too much.

He is starting to talk a lot more and show likes and dislikes in all areas. He LOVES Yo Gabba Gabba (just like his bubba and sissy!) and can't get enough of Brobee. He loves to eat and would all day long if we let him. He loves animals and babies and his favorite toys are cars, Nat's My Little Ponies, Cabbage Patch Dolls, books, and anything small that he can just carry around all day with him.

Some of his words are: Bow-beh (Brobee), Goggy (Doggy), Bye, Hi, Mama/Mommy, Dada/Daddy, Nini (what he calls his doll), Baby, Jump, Gabba (For Yo Gabba), Abbey (our cat), No, Deez (Please), Muk (Milk), Boat, Shoes, Eat, Nana (Banana), Coat, Socks...lots of words! He also "sings" along with music in the car or on TV.

He is obsessed with light switches, shoes and socks, and Brobee. He is starting to play with the other two, but still more of a parallel playing style. He loves any toys that make music and light up and with lots of buttons to press.

He is about 25lbs and 32" tall. Squatty boy. His eyes are really hard to tell what color they are. They are dark blue on the outside with a ring of hazel in the middle. I bet he'll go dark the way Natalie did. It took her two years for her eye color to change to green. His eyes are so round and expressive and he knows how to roll them already.

Some big news in his life is that we are in the process of figuring out some food allergies. He spent the entire winter with a terrible case of Eczema on his face, legs, and bottom. Nothing would take care of it. He also had a chronic runny nose, nasty poos, and would be irritable at bedtime. I took him into the doctor last week and she was 99% convinced that he has a dairy allergy. We have completely cut any and all milk/dairy from his diet. He is actually on almost a Vegan diet because he doesn't like to eat a lot of meat so I have been looking up a lot of Vegan recipes. I'm also learning that there is milk or milk proteins in so many foods I'd have never suspected - which makes me wonder what else is being snuck into food that we don't know about. While all of this is a pain in the butt, it has really inspired me to really think about the foods we are putting in our bodies. I've started making a lot more things at home so that I know what is going into them. I made some almond butter that Timmy says is better than the store bought peanut butter we have. All that is in it is almonds and a pinch of salt! I also bought cashews and peanuts so that I can make some other things that are high in protein that I know my boys love. Natalie, on the other hand, can't stand any type of nut or nut product.

We've had to switch his diapers (he is now using 7th gen dipes, but I am considering switching back to cloth because those dipes are insanely expensive.). We can no longer use the soap and detergents that we have been with him. I made a fresh batch of laundry soap for the entire family so that we don't have to constantly sort out Sam's clothes. I plan on making a dryer ball out of wool yarn so that I can get rid of dryer sheets.

I also have to limit/cut out as many citrus and acidic foods as I can, like certain fruits and veggies. I am learning so much from my friends who have had to deal with food allergies - and I'm glad that my sister dealt with this as a parent because my nephew had a LOT of food allergies when he was small like Sam. I think he has since outgrown most of them but may still have a few allergies.

If anyone reading this has any advice, tips, recipes, etc for children with dairy allergies, I am all ears! Thanks!

And now I leave you with a few cute pics of Sammy.

Eating lunch with Brobee

Reading, one of his favorite things to do

Gotta have a Brobee shirt!

Wearing Timmy's shoes

Swinging at Riverside Park

Saying Goodbye

Death is such a hard concept to understand for anyone, let alone a preschooler, so the fact that my kids have had to say goodbye to not just one but two people they were very close to this year is too much for this momma to take.

Back in the spring, Chris's Grandpa passed away. Great Grandpa Joe was nearly 90 and we loved him dearly. The kids spent a few times each month being able to see him during our regular Sunday dinners with the family. He was always so funny - all the kids were boys and were mostly referred to as "little shavers" "tykes" and things like that. When he passed away the kids hadn't ever had to deal with death before. They were with us every step of the way during the grieving process, visitation, and funeral. They asked a lot of great questions and were now aware that life doesn't go on forever, at least not here on Earth. 

The kids spent the next few months talking about death and dying. The questions they would ask made them seem much older than their two and four year old selves. They weren't innocent anymore; they were now understanding things that a lot of adults have never even had to deal with yet. Natalie, especially, had grown an almost macabre obession with death. In Samuel's Childrens' Bible, she found the story about Jesus dying on the cross and asked us to read this to her every day, sometimes more than once. 

On this particular July afternoon, Natalie got very serious and asked me why Jesus was crying. I explained that he was sad because his friends betrayed him and he had to die on the cross to save us from our sins. She got really upset that her Baby Jesus died so I tried to explain that one day we would get to meet Him when we died. I guess this was the wrong thing to say because my precious two year old burst into tears and started sobbing, "But, I don't wanna die!" 

After awhile their obsessions passed and they were back to being happy preschoolers. Now three, Natalie was able to start going to preschool as well. She already knew the teachers from all of the mornings we'd pick Timmy up from school the year before. She was so excited to go and fell in love with the teachers and made a lot of new friends. She and Timmy are both doing great in school this year. 

Sadly, this afternoon we received the devastating news that their beloved teacher, Mrs. Blanksma, passed away this morning. I was in complete shock and had no idea how to react. At the time I not only had my two kids, but two of their friends were over as well who were also in their preschool classes and knew and loved Mrs. Blanksma. It wasn't my place to tell my friend's kids about their teacher passing, so we had to make a lot of fun this afternoon. We watched a movie, played the Wii, ate a yummy snack, and took a drive out to a covered bridge to play for awhile. 

This evening after I dropped their friends off, we sat down to tell Tim and Nat about their teacher. I explained that this morning Mrs. Blanksma went to Heaven. Timmy said, "You mean she died?" He was getting teary. Chris and I were both tearing up too - it's never easy to lose someone you love - especially someone who plays such an important role in your children's lives. I explained that her heart had gotten sick and stopped working but that she was now in Heaven with Great Grandpa and they were friends and weren't lonely. When I tried to explain to Natalie that Mrs. Blanksma wasn't going to be at preschool anymore, Timmy got upset and said, "But I want her to come back!" This is when I lost it. In fact, I'm almost crying again just typing this up. Natalie, of course being the little comic relief, said, "Can we have her hamster?"

The kids took it in, were quiet for a few minutes and then were on their way. I wish adults could be that resilient. I'm still reeling from the news. Mrs. Blanksma will be missed by everyone who was ever able to know her. She was an amazing woman, teacher, and friend. I will miss being able to send her a quick email just to find out how the kids were doing at school. She always had a lot of great advice for me, especially when struggling with what to do with certain behaviors the kids were displaying. She was always happy to chat about anything from Jimmy's Grill to the Grand Lady Riverboat to what the kids had for snack that day at school. She always made sure her students and their families were taken care of and I will miss seeing her every day and I know the kids will too. I am just so grateful that the other teachers at the school are just as wonderful and caring as Mrs. Blanksma was. I know that they will carry on the traditions and will always take the time to care about their students. 

Now, please, let my kids have a break from having to say goodbye to the people they love. They are three and four and need to be kids - not young adults learning life lessons. 

Thursday Thirteen

Time again for Thursday Thirteen. Maybe this time I'll actually remember number thirteen. It is Thanksgiving, no less, so I thought this week I would make my theme Thirteen People I am Thankful to have in my Life. If you are not on the list right now, it is not personal - these are just people that in the last few weeks/months have really shown me great care, help, understanding, friendship, love, etc.

1. Chris. Well, duh, of course. He's my husband and most recently has been awesome for taking care of me and the kids while we've been super sick. He took time off of work, worked at home, stayed up late, cleaned up puke, made random runs to the store, etc - all to keep us feeling better. Thank you.

2. Erika & Jodi. (See this is my way of fitting more than 13 people on my list) - My sisters - I love you. We've been through so much the last month - so crazy - and I feel like it's only brought us closer together. I can't imagine my life without you.

3. Timmy, Natty, Sammy (Like I said - fitting more than 13 people on my list) - My three babies - You can't read this and who knows if someday you ever will, but my gosh...you drive me crazy - but in a good way. You wouldn't drive me crazy at all if you didn't mean anything to me. My life is so much better because you are in it. My heart is full. I see you - hold you - kiss you - and I can't believe you're mine.

4. Mom. Honestly...I didn't know if you'd be here right now for me to tell you how much you mean to me. I love you more than life itself. I get so angry at you and can't stand to have you near me, but I love you with every fiber of my being. You're my mom and nothing in my life would ever be the same if you weren't there for me to annoy.

5. Dad & Cherie - Thank you soooo much for being the solidity in my life. The two adults that were always there for me and molded and shaped me into the adult I am today. Yeah, I'm pretty awesome - and I have you two to thank for that. Thanks so much for helping us out with the kids - especially when I'm sick and you come out to spend time with them so that I can rest or go to the doctor. You have no idea how appreciative I am. Thank you for the influences you have had in my life because without them I'd be pretty loserly.

6. Beth - I really wish we were able to hang out more than we do. It's not every day you meet a friend that you threaten to "bash one's head with a phone" and sing them their own special song in front of EVERYONE all in the same breath. Thanks for still laughing with me about the former and smiling with me about our own little inside joke about the latter. I really miss you - miss seeing you - but am so glad to have you at my beckon call through facebook and text. Thanks for always being there even if we're not able to actually see each other more than twice a year...which by the way is LAME-O since you live like 8 minutes away.

7. Lindsey H - WOW who knew that after only a couple months of actually knowing each other you'd be all the way up to number....seven......on the list LMAO. But honestly, I don't think anyone has listened to me, helped me, been there...etc...as much as anyone has for me in the last few months. You were there when I needed someone the most last month and you know that my kids adore you "auntie" and your family - and that is just as important to me as anything. Thanks for everything - picking up kids, late night texts, play dates, etc. Now....if we could just have that L&L wine time!!!! Seriously - have we EVER HUNG OUT?

8. Dalon...My Dally dally ally ally alon. for reals. where would this list be if you weren't on it? You know why 2012 was the best? Because I got to see you IN PERSON for the first time in SEVEN YEARS!!! I miss you like crazy. Though you know we'd probably be at each others' throats if we saw each other every day. We're just too much alike to not be like that LOL!! I'm so thankful for you - and how much you care even from thousands of miles away. I miss and love you so much.

9. Lindsey S - Who knew that a dog and JM would ever have brought you into my life? You always make me laugh and I know that you're always just a phone call away - I miss you and we really need to get together. Natty misses her Ky-yee!!! and I miss my Yindzee!!! :) hehe. Thanks for seriously always making me laugh...and giraffe legs...and ice cubes for my kids to be addicted to :D

10. Buddy Lesha....BUDDY LESHA...what can I say that you don't already know? For real! You know you are the best. I miss our daily chat times - and how you would know I was watching Boy meets World while chatting because it'd take me ten minutes to reply...we made (and still do make) the most awesome team ever. fo' realz. fo realz. mmmhmmmm i mean who makes better challenges than us!?!? thanks for listening to me and always being there when I freak out.

11. My Brothers/Sisters/InLaws in general - I love you all - thanks for just being you!!!

12. JM & GP Peeps - Again - I love you all - you've put up with so much crap from me LOL!! thanks for always listening, backign me up, setting me straight, etc. You are awesome!

13. Amy - I almost forgot you and I'm sorry!!! jeesh. Thanks for always being in my life for the last like what...13 years!? You are officially my "oldest" friend - and the one that shares something special with me....oh you thought I was gonna bring up village inn 2001? Hell no!!! It's gotta be ARBY'S when me, you and heather yelled WAZZUP to the people working there...OMG. yeah we did that. I heard Merry Christmas Darling on the radio yesterday and I thought of you. You're just that awesome. So thank you.


Of course I have so many other people who should be on my list, but here is the current list. Like I said, don't be offended...yadda yadda....blah blah blah.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Where Have I Been?

Wow...I totally slacked on updating this thing! Part of me wants to just delete the whole thing but then I figure I'd eventually miss having a blog so I might as well keep it around for when I need to write. Right now Facebook took away my posting abilities because some "friend" decided to report two of my pics of the kids in the tub. There was NOTHING showing on these pics and what sucks that they were mobile pics that I don't have on my phone anymore so I'll never have those pictures back. FB already took away my video uploading abilities. What a bunch of crap.

Timothy and Natalie are both in preschool this year, just on different days. They love it and have so many friends and are doing really well. Timmy is 4.5 and Nat turned 3 in September. Samuel is now 15.5 months old and is the sweetest little munchkin. The only time he's really not content is when food is involved. He could eat and eat! He is really snuggly and really smart and is saying a lot of words these days.

Chris and I are doing well! He's super busy with work and I'm busy with the kids and being at the school nearly every day. I love it though. It keeps me from being too bored.

I guess the biggest thing that is going on in my life right now has to do with my mom - as usual. She has once again overdosed (she did this in May as well) in hopes of committing suicide. This time we are not letting her go back to living alone but getting her into an AFC home is not going to be easy especially if she decides to fight us. I'll be taking Abbey back to live with us (this will make the kids excited to have a cat again) which is probably going to be the hardest thing for Mom to deal with.

I sure hope to get back into the habit of writing in here again. I could always use a place to vent.

One Week Later

I am so ready to throw in the towel and say screw this whole "peaceful" parenting approach. It seemed to do well for a couple days but Timmy is not responding to anything anymore. He is terrible. I absolutely hate the way I am feeling about my son right now.

He is so aggressive. He is mean-spirited, foul-mouthed, and rude. He hits and pushes for no reason and isn't even prompted to do so by something that is bugging him. He is possessive over everything and is very bossy and pushy and doesn't hesitate to hit or bite if things aren't going his way. Yes, I am well-aware that these are typical characteristics of a three year old.

I am exhausted. I have had a chronic cough for the last two weeks and can barely breathe at times. My mother is still in the hospital with no ETA of her being able to go home. I finally broke down and called her on Monday. It took a lot out of me just to do that. I feel guilty for the ways I am feeling about my mother as well as my son. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel guilty for not taking care of myself while I am pregnant but what it all boils down to is that I just don't care right now. I feel like I give and give and try and try with my family and don't ever see anything positive come from it. I also hate feeling like my struggles aren't as important as my mom's or my sister's because I'm not in the hospital or going for tests and I hate feeling like they might think that my struggles are pathetic and worthless compared to what they have going on. Which once again leads me to feeling even more guilty and worthless.

I have no energy. I want so badly to be able to do all the fun things with my kids that I see people on FB posting about doing with their kids. I see everyone posting about how they went on a fun trip or cruise and can't help but feel jealous that they get to do something fun and exciting while I am home just trying to muster up the energy to go to the bathroom. I see a lot of people posting about how happy they are and how much they love their life when all I want to do is run away from mine. I don't want to take away from their happiness; I am glad that my friends and family are happy and enjoying life. I just wish I could be like them. I wish I even had it in me to take my kids to the park or even just go in the back yard with them but I can't. I do not have the energy to chase and entertain my kids right now.

Last night I started bleeding - quite heavily at first. I thought for sure this was it. Being only 28 weeks pregnant I should have immediately gone to the ER to make sure everything was okay. I laid down for awhile and was still feeling the baby wiggling around like crazy, so I knew that he was okay. I wasn't having any contractions or major cramping, so I decided to wait it out over night. Today the bleeding has turned brown and is very light, just spotting now. I still feel him moving all of the time, so my guess is I've been coughing too much and too stressed out and popped a blood vessel or something. I have an appointment on Friday so unless I start bleeding heavily again I am going ot wait it out. I do fully expect him to scold me for not going to the ER, but the running theme of this entire blog is "I DON'T CARE."

I totally lost it on Timmy today and yelled at him. I made it a week without yelling at him though so that is pretty good. I haven't left my house since Sunday, aside from going to Jimmy Johns a couple days ago. I have cabin fever just as much as the kids do, but I am too scared to do anything too active for fear of bleeding again and I really don't have it in me to take the kids anywhere by myself anymore. It's too much for me.

I can see all of you parents of more than two kids shaking your heads at me. I know, I'm letting you down. If you can do it, why can't I?

Debbie Downer.

Allow me to vent for a bit. It is my blog after all - it doesn't always have to be about rainbows and sunshine.

When I was pregnant with Natalie, my mom was in and out of the hospital for severe depression several times. After she was born, my mom did really well for a very long time. Now I'm pregnant again and it seems we're back to the hospital trips. I'm pretty sure I am the most heartless person because right now I just. don't. care. I have spent my entire life dealing with this. Having a mother who suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts, has borderline personality among other things, and on top of it can be overly religious and assume I'm going to Hell for no apparent reason can really weigh on someone after awhile. So yeah, I'm not gonna pretend to care deeply when right at this moment I don't. When one gets their first job, the first words out of your mother's mouth shouldn't be asking for money. I still find it hard to believe that I gave my mother $75 out of my paycheck for nearly a year. For what? I didn't live with her. I was technically an adult. She made it seem like it was reparation for the years she spent raising me and spending her money on me. I was so incredibly brainwashed. So there we go. Right now I don't care.

Three is the most suckiest age I've had to deal with so far. I spent a lot of my day crying because I feel like the most worthless parent with the brattiest kid on the face of the earth.

Last week Chris was in Florida for work. Next month he is going to Arizona for work. Me? I'm stuck at home with the kids just like always except during these times I get no break. I sit and hear Timmy cry for Daddy and I know that if I were gone he wouldn't even bat an eye. I am pretty sure my three-year old hates me and I don't blame him. I'm not very nice these days. I am worn out and exhausted and in so much crampy, uncomfortable pain all the time now. I can't chase these kids. Even taking them outside to play is really tough on me. And for real, if I get any comparisons to your pregnancies or to how I'm "not as big as you" so that I shouldn't feel this way, screw you. Seriously.

Anyway, it just really sucks that he gets to travel and do something different while I am stuck at home being "just the mom." I know it's for work so it's not like he's going and leaving me behind because he's a jerk and I know he'll have things to do that aren't always fun, but I'm still jealous because at least he gets to do it kid free and somewhere where it isn't snowing in April. He says he wants to send me away for a couple days before Baby Boy is born, but really...what is there for me to do in my third trimester of pregnancy when even walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded? What I really want is for him to take the kids somewhere and let me sit in my own house by myself for awhile. Now that would be a nice vacation. I'd love to go sit on a beach somewhere, but right now the idea of sitting on a beach in a bathing suit with my fat belly hanging out is not very thrilling.

So that's that. By the way, rumor has it that my mom will be getting the internet. So...there goes the one place I was mom-free.

ETA: One more thing. Stop trying to save my soul from Hell just because I go to Mars Hill or because I happen to support Rob Bell. I don't necessarily agree with everything he has to say, but I support him and what he is doing. You're welcome to believe the way you want to believe and I am welcome to believe the way I want to believe. You will be wasting your time trying to get me to believe any differently. In fact, the more you try to "witness" to me, the more likely I am to say Screw God in general. When you're greeted by your mother with accusations about a book she hasn't even read regarding your soul and hell, it isn't very pleasant. When you're told to believe a certain way about a book someone hasn't even read, it does nothing but piss me off. You know what? I haven't even finished the book yet so LEAVE ME ALONE. I have heard my pastor speak on his book more than once and his ideas aren't new to the people who have been attending his church for several years. By the way, he never stated any of his ideas as FACT. In fact, they aren't even all his ideas - these theories have been around for years and years. If you're going to read the book with the only intention to prove this man wrong, don't waste your time. Thanks. It's a BOOK. Get over it.

Turkey Day!

Tomorrow is Turkey Day!

I think it's going to be a very bittersweet day.

On Monday, Great Grandma C passed away. While it was expected, it doesn't make it any less of a loss for the family. She was a funny, feisty old woman, but from the first day I met her, I loved her. She always had me laughing with the way she would stick her tongue out at her son and still try to mother him. She always asked me how my mom was doing and I will never forget her being absolutely convinced that I wanted to wear her wedding dress in my wedding.

The visitation is on Friday and the funeral on Saturday. I am actually nervous. I don't do well in these situations. Being around grieving people is very difficult for me. I never know what to say and I'm not overly huggy with people. I won't have my kids to hide behind, either. Seeing other adults cry makes me rather uncomfortable.

Please pray for Chris's family this Thanksgiving.

Amendment

In my blogs of yesteryear there were many a post pertaining to my mother and the fact that she is stone cold crazy. Today I have to make an amendment. For a couple years now, I've had my mom over to visit for the day probably about once a month, give or take. In these past couple of years my mom has been hospitalized several times, but I am proud to say it has been almost a year since her last hospitilization! I'd kinda like to think I have a tiny bit to do with that. I've made a big effort to involve her in my life and to visit her, have her babysit, have her over, etc. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, it's hard to know what type of mom I'm going to get on any certain day, but really she has made some big changes and is really loosening up and making a huge effort to not like her BPD take over her life. Sure, she has moments where she's letting it get the best of her, but quite honestly, I've really enjoyed spending time with my mom lately and it hasn't been forced.

So, to all the people that have read past blogs or know my mom personally, please know that my mom has a mental disease - most of what she does or says is not meant. She is really one of the most compassionate and open people I've met. She's sweet and forgiving and has a funny sense of humor. Really, she just wants people to like her and wants to like everyone she meets. So while there may be times in the past and times in the future that I complain about her, I'm allowed. She's my mom. But if anyone has anything to say about my mom you better watch it!