When did this happen?

When I was a kid, I never wanted to have kids. My mom did in-home daycare and I was constantly surrounded by children. When I was little, it was so much fun to have lots of friends come over and play with me all day, but I grew up and the children all stayed little. It wasn't as much fun being 10, 11, 12, and having my house filled with four year olds. I'd hide out in my room and felt trapped by the chaos. Sometimes I'd get stuck helping out and having to sacrifice my time to play with the kids outside so that my mom could rock the baby or get snacks prepared. Don't get me wrong, some of those kids became like siblings to me and I still have a relationship with them now that we are adults. I've watched so many children grow up and I loved them like they were family - BUT I was a kid and being surrounded by kids and taking away my mom's attention, you know how it goes. 

Even as I got older, I never really had that maternal instinct or desire to be around kids. Sure, I loved my nieces and nephews, but I was so glad that I could give them back. I have to admit, when my nephew Peter was born, I didn't hold him until he was 6 months old. I've never been one to baby talk to a kid. Me? When my nephew Ryan was born, I held him in the hospital and told him I was going to teach him about tornadoes and other cool things. I may not have ever taught Ryan about tornadoes, but he and I are quite a lot alike with our interests - similar tastes in music and humor and it's been one of the ways I could bond with him as he grew up. With Alex, I didn't really sit and do kid stuff with her. Instead, she'd come over for the weekend and I taught her how to play Monopoly. We take walks together, watch movies together, and I pretty much made her my best friend by acting like she was an adult instead of a kid. Now that she is an adult (AN ADULT!? SERIOUSLY!?) we've never had to go through that awkward shift of 'you're not a kid anymore' - our conversations have stayed the same, and we both laugh at totally dumb things like we always did (I've never really been good at being an adult anyway). 

Then this crazy, insane thing happened. I got married and within a year I was pregnant with our first child. Something totally weird happened inside of me and I somehow knew how to take care of my kid when he was born. Then I had another kid. And another. Then my kids got into school and started making friends. I started getting involved with their classes and becoming friends with their friends' parents. During Timmy's second year of preschool we started having play dates with various friends, some of whom are still my closest friends. I started helping with class parties, etc. I used to say "how in the world can anyone be a teacher, I'd die being surrounded by kids all day." 

And then a couple years ago I started working childcare at my aunt's church once a week. The group was small, but I loved the kids I had and I started getting to know these children for more than just "another kid" and I loved them like my own. I came back for another year and continued to watch these sweet kids grow. I loved it so much that when I saw my own church was looking for help on Wednesday mornings, I realized it was perfect for me. The group I have there is very different than my LaGrave group. First, there are a LOT of kids there. Second, I had to get to know the person who would be running the room with me. My "partner" at LaGrave - we bonded instantly. She's a bit older than me, but we are kindred spirits. She's easy to talk to and we do a lot of laughing. She LOVES my kids, even Timmy, and she's never even met him. So I was a little nervous to meet the person I'd be doing childcare with at Mars. Turns out, she's great! We work so well together - she is firm yet loving with the kids, and like normal, I tend to be the one who does the snuggling and comforting. We end each time with book time and I play little guessing games with them and I am getting to know this group of crazy, funny, sweet 3-5 year olds. 

So I thought, why not add another day of the week to spending time with more kids? Today I met my new group of kids at LaGrave - and it's specifically a moms group, so we have A LOT of kids - and you know what? I love them!! They range in age from a few months old to nearly 5. I also met the other caregivers and again - bonded! We all have our strengths and talents and it naturally just fell into place what our "duties" would be. I spent a lot of time just kind of moving from group of kids to group of kids and making sure everyone was happy. I read some books to Mariel, the one little girl I've known for a year and a half now, and got to know some of the kids by playing with them. I also got some baby snuggles! I LIVE for baby snuggles!! 

Did I mention I also volunteer in Timmy's 1st grade class every Tuesday morning? I am getting to know his friends and all the kids in the class and I love it! Smart, funny kids that give me hugs when I leave and their faces light up when they see me come in. I really feel like I missed my calling and I hate that I didn't discover how much I love spending time with kids until now. Then I sit back and I think, maybe there's a reason it took this long - God was waiting until I was ready for it. He needed me to work out some issues and to learn and grow as a parent before sharing my gift of caring for kids. 

And maybe the apple didn't fall as far as I thought when it comes to me and my mom - because if there's one thing my mom was awesome at, it was caring for kids. 

Grocery Shopping with Natalie

It's a rare that I get a chance to grocery shop without all three of the kids in tow, so when it was just me and Natalie, I took advantage. It was a couple weeks ago and in order to remember the events that unfolded in just that 90 minutes, I sent myself texts so that I wouldn't forget the adventure.

First, it was a trip that included bringing back bottles. For those of you that don't live in states where you can return pop and beer bottles for a cash refund, this involves shoving your cans, plastics, and glass into machines that will add up the amount for you. This is nice, but it's kinda sticky and gross. Remember when you had to count them up ahead of time and then the cashier would add them up and yeah, it was okay if you were one or two bottles off, but if you were off by more than that, those dimes mattered and you'd both recount all of your bottles? Classic times.

Well, it was a Saturday...a busy Saturday, complete with samples at the of every aisle, and other families trying to cash in their bottles too. Natalie wanted to help me with the bottles, but it already took every bit of geometry and puzzle knowledge I had to fit the bottles into one cart so that I could get them, and us, inside the store safely. All I wanted to do was get through the bottles quickly, but Natalie wanted to help so she would hand me bottles and of course, we would both end up covered in an icky corn syrup goo...really, that right there should cut me of my caffeine habit...

We finally got done with bottles and Natalie said she had to go potty. Okay, that's good. We head to the front of the store only to be reminded that the store is under construction and that the restroom was in the back of the store...by the toys....

We are now in the bathroom, the handicap stall so that I have room to maneuver with my not-yet fully potty trained child. I decided I better get my potty on while we were in there, so while I sat, Natalie decided that the handicap bar would serve as a good ballet bar and danced. Well, that was until she noticed that someone was in the stall next to us. So she kept peeking under the walls to see who was there. Awkward...

Finally, we head back to the front of the store to get a cart to finally do our shopping. That was when Natalie noticed someone. "HEY MOM! LOOK!! THAT GUY HAS NO HAIR! WHY DOES HE HAVE NO HAIR!?" Said bald man and his two tween sons turn and look at us and I flash an exhausted smile. They do not return this smile as Natalie continues to yell about the bald man with no hair.

I manage to actually have a pretty decent shopping trip until Natalie sees a kid with an Angry Bird hat. "MOM! LOOK!! AN ANGRY BIRD HAAAAT!!! LOOK! LOOK!!!! LOOOOOOOK!!!!! DID YOU SEE IT!?!?" Yes. I did. As did everyone else in the 50 yard radius of our cart.

We also had to stand directly under a speaker so that we could listen to the song "Somebody's Baby" by Jackson Browne, in it's entirety. Unfortunately, we were in the busiest row in the store. Who knew so many people would need sugar at that exact moment?

While we were checking out, we saw a preschool friend - James. It was a relief to see a friend - because there was a glimmer of hope that someone else was experiencing such a joyous shopping experience.

Despite all this, I'd still rather go shopping with her than the other two.

Natalie at 3.5

It's been awhile since I've done updates on the kids, so I'll start with Natalie Claire.

Natalie is now officially three AND A HALF. Where does the time go!? She is smart as ever and has a very sassy little personality. She can be very bossy and snaps at people if they aren't listening to her. She will not be a girl who will be pushed around and while dealing with her attitude can be hard at times, I love that she is not about to let anyone walk all over her.

She is doing really well in preschool for the most part. She is still not potty trained but I keep reminding myself that sometimes really smart children potty train later than others. It's just not a priority for them. She is learning her letters, numbers, shapes, and colors and is doing really well with that. The only issue she struggles with really is cutting but that will come in time. She has a lot of friends at school but is also able to play independently. Her best friends are MacKenzie and Ki'ahir but she also talks a lot about Nico, Josie, Megan, Addison, and Jaeda. Her best friends outside of school are Kenley and her cousin Joel. She also loves to play with all of Timmy's friends from school.

At home she dotes on Sammy. She loves being a big sister and when we are out and about with him she loves to be "in charge" of him. She still wants to spend time with Timmy but now that he is getting older he wants to do more "big kid" stuff and doesn't always want his little sister tagging along.

Her favorite things to do are coloring and drawing, dancing, singing, playing cars and angry birds. She loves to watch Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Angelina Ballerina. She also loves to sit and watch youtube videos of angry birds and cars.

She is about 28lbs and 38" tall now and her blonde hair is still very soft and fine. She has a soft spot for animals of all kinds, even snakes and insects. She loves to find worms in the dirt and make them her pets. She also loves to help Daddy make dinner and loves to help me edit pictures. She is in size 6-7 shoes and mostly in size 3/3T clothing with some 4s.

Nat is a sweetheart, very affectionate, and loves to give hugs and if you don't give her a hug before you leave somewhere, she will cry for an hour. She makes me very proud to have a little girl but also very glad I have only one!

Updates, Updates, Updates

Wow, I haven't updated since last year! Things have been CRAZY around here, but not in a bad way. 

+ Physically I am okay. I'm assuming that the PE is dissolved by now, but I'm still feeling the effects of having gone through such a traumatic ordeal. Some days I am totally fine and other days I feel like I can't catch a breath and that my heart is going to pound out of my chest. I also get frequent migraines now because of the meds. Sometimes it's bad enough to lay me out on my back and send me to the bathroom every thirty minutes. In general though, I'm doing really well. 

+ I have been doing my best to get to the gym 3-5x a week. I am so happy to have a gym so close to home that provides a clean and safe environment to go and exercise. They also provide childcare so you can't go wrong there! I am also glad that I have awesome friends with memberships there as well and I don't have to always be alone. I always feel more motivated to work harder when I have a friend by me. 

+ We've also been really busy with preschool events - mothers night, beach parties, valentines day parties, etc. I do my best to go to the ones where childcare is provided and help out as much as I can. The teachers there are doing such a great job despite everything that has happened this year. The least I can do is to help out where I can and do what I can. 

+ I will try to update on each of the kids and how they are doing at a later date :)

Thursday Thirteen

Thursday Thirteen - Thirteen Current Very Random Thoughts

1. I am very excited to get a gym membership again. I have really missed working out. Went yesterday with my G-Funk and she worked me good, man. Back is killing me!

2. Number one sounds very kinky.

3. This morning was rough. I'm really thankful that Chris is going to go with Timmy tomorrow morning so I don't have to do it again.

4. Every time someone passes away I miss my angels in heaven even more. Today I'm finding myself thinking about Betsy and Amber a lot more - two young woman who were taken to Heaven way too soon. Miss them more and more all the time and wonder what their lives would be like.

5. I am so excited to get a Christmas Tree but at the same time I don't want one. I already have to chase kids out of rooms and off furniture, I am not looking forward to keeping little hands away from the tree.

6. I had two of the kids best buddies here yesterday. You'd think having five kids in the house would be crazy, but I enjoy it. K&P were really helpful yesterday (when they weren't stealing my lemonade!). K helped me put away dishes and P helped me hang up Christmas lights.

7. Sometimes I feel like I'm always the one helping others out - like taking my mom shopping and things like that - and then I feel like no one helps me out in return. I know this isn't true - and the biggest reason for this is because I don't ask for help. Why is it so easy to offer help for others but it's so hard to ask for help when I need it? I really need to get over my pride and ask for help when I need something.

8. I really wanna know how it's possible for Natalie to pee all over the floor in front of the toilet but still poop in the potty at the same time.

9. Scratch that...I don't wanna know.

10. I think that of all my insane pet peeves and annoyances, being ignored is my number one. The kids are pros at this (as are a few other people I know).

11. I love writing. I'm glad that I've started to get back into blogging again even if it's not trendy anymore. It's a great way to work through my feelings and thoughts especially since I am really bad at talking about things. I am definitely an "internalizer" when it comes to "getting in touch with my feelings." This way I can write and get it out and move on. I may not be the best writer (I am always ending my sentences with prepositions) but who cares? What I'm saying is much more important than how I'm saying it.

12. I've had this awesome blog theme for a year now - I think I need a blog revamp soon. Maybe Buddy can help me with it again :)

13. I love the number 13. My boys and I are 13s.

Saying Goodbye

Death is such a hard concept to understand for anyone, let alone a preschooler, so the fact that my kids have had to say goodbye to not just one but two people they were very close to this year is too much for this momma to take.

Back in the spring, Chris's Grandpa passed away. Great Grandpa Joe was nearly 90 and we loved him dearly. The kids spent a few times each month being able to see him during our regular Sunday dinners with the family. He was always so funny - all the kids were boys and were mostly referred to as "little shavers" "tykes" and things like that. When he passed away the kids hadn't ever had to deal with death before. They were with us every step of the way during the grieving process, visitation, and funeral. They asked a lot of great questions and were now aware that life doesn't go on forever, at least not here on Earth. 

The kids spent the next few months talking about death and dying. The questions they would ask made them seem much older than their two and four year old selves. They weren't innocent anymore; they were now understanding things that a lot of adults have never even had to deal with yet. Natalie, especially, had grown an almost macabre obession with death. In Samuel's Childrens' Bible, she found the story about Jesus dying on the cross and asked us to read this to her every day, sometimes more than once. 

On this particular July afternoon, Natalie got very serious and asked me why Jesus was crying. I explained that he was sad because his friends betrayed him and he had to die on the cross to save us from our sins. She got really upset that her Baby Jesus died so I tried to explain that one day we would get to meet Him when we died. I guess this was the wrong thing to say because my precious two year old burst into tears and started sobbing, "But, I don't wanna die!" 

After awhile their obsessions passed and they were back to being happy preschoolers. Now three, Natalie was able to start going to preschool as well. She already knew the teachers from all of the mornings we'd pick Timmy up from school the year before. She was so excited to go and fell in love with the teachers and made a lot of new friends. She and Timmy are both doing great in school this year. 

Sadly, this afternoon we received the devastating news that their beloved teacher, Mrs. Blanksma, passed away this morning. I was in complete shock and had no idea how to react. At the time I not only had my two kids, but two of their friends were over as well who were also in their preschool classes and knew and loved Mrs. Blanksma. It wasn't my place to tell my friend's kids about their teacher passing, so we had to make a lot of fun this afternoon. We watched a movie, played the Wii, ate a yummy snack, and took a drive out to a covered bridge to play for awhile. 

This evening after I dropped their friends off, we sat down to tell Tim and Nat about their teacher. I explained that this morning Mrs. Blanksma went to Heaven. Timmy said, "You mean she died?" He was getting teary. Chris and I were both tearing up too - it's never easy to lose someone you love - especially someone who plays such an important role in your children's lives. I explained that her heart had gotten sick and stopped working but that she was now in Heaven with Great Grandpa and they were friends and weren't lonely. When I tried to explain to Natalie that Mrs. Blanksma wasn't going to be at preschool anymore, Timmy got upset and said, "But I want her to come back!" This is when I lost it. In fact, I'm almost crying again just typing this up. Natalie, of course being the little comic relief, said, "Can we have her hamster?"

The kids took it in, were quiet for a few minutes and then were on their way. I wish adults could be that resilient. I'm still reeling from the news. Mrs. Blanksma will be missed by everyone who was ever able to know her. She was an amazing woman, teacher, and friend. I will miss being able to send her a quick email just to find out how the kids were doing at school. She always had a lot of great advice for me, especially when struggling with what to do with certain behaviors the kids were displaying. She was always happy to chat about anything from Jimmy's Grill to the Grand Lady Riverboat to what the kids had for snack that day at school. She always made sure her students and their families were taken care of and I will miss seeing her every day and I know the kids will too. I am just so grateful that the other teachers at the school are just as wonderful and caring as Mrs. Blanksma was. I know that they will carry on the traditions and will always take the time to care about their students. 

Now, please, let my kids have a break from having to say goodbye to the people they love. They are three and four and need to be kids - not young adults learning life lessons.