Wednesday, April 27, 2011

One Week Later

I am so ready to throw in the towel and say screw this whole "peaceful" parenting approach. It seemed to do well for a couple days but Timmy is not responding to anything anymore. He is terrible. I absolutely hate the way I am feeling about my son right now.

He is so aggressive. He is mean-spirited, foul-mouthed, and rude. He hits and pushes for no reason and isn't even prompted to do so by something that is bugging him. He is possessive over everything and is very bossy and pushy and doesn't hesitate to hit or bite if things aren't going his way. Yes, I am well-aware that these are typical characteristics of a three year old.

I am exhausted. I have had a chronic cough for the last two weeks and can barely breathe at times. My mother is still in the hospital with no ETA of her being able to go home. I finally broke down and called her on Monday. It took a lot out of me just to do that. I feel guilty for the ways I am feeling about my mother as well as my son. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel guilty for not taking care of myself while I am pregnant but what it all boils down to is that I just don't care right now. I feel like I give and give and try and try with my family and don't ever see anything positive come from it. I also hate feeling like my struggles aren't as important as my mom's or my sister's because I'm not in the hospital or going for tests and I hate feeling like they might think that my struggles are pathetic and worthless compared to what they have going on. Which once again leads me to feeling even more guilty and worthless.

I have no energy. I want so badly to be able to do all the fun things with my kids that I see people on FB posting about doing with their kids. I see everyone posting about how they went on a fun trip or cruise and can't help but feel jealous that they get to do something fun and exciting while I am home just trying to muster up the energy to go to the bathroom. I see a lot of people posting about how happy they are and how much they love their life when all I want to do is run away from mine. I don't want to take away from their happiness; I am glad that my friends and family are happy and enjoying life. I just wish I could be like them. I wish I even had it in me to take my kids to the park or even just go in the back yard with them but I can't. I do not have the energy to chase and entertain my kids right now.

Last night I started bleeding - quite heavily at first. I thought for sure this was it. Being only 28 weeks pregnant I should have immediately gone to the ER to make sure everything was okay. I laid down for awhile and was still feeling the baby wiggling around like crazy, so I knew that he was okay. I wasn't having any contractions or major cramping, so I decided to wait it out over night. Today the bleeding has turned brown and is very light, just spotting now. I still feel him moving all of the time, so my guess is I've been coughing too much and too stressed out and popped a blood vessel or something. I have an appointment on Friday so unless I start bleeding heavily again I am going ot wait it out. I do fully expect him to scold me for not going to the ER, but the running theme of this entire blog is "I DON'T CARE."

I totally lost it on Timmy today and yelled at him. I made it a week without yelling at him though so that is pretty good. I haven't left my house since Sunday, aside from going to Jimmy Johns a couple days ago. I have cabin fever just as much as the kids do, but I am too scared to do anything too active for fear of bleeding again and I really don't have it in me to take the kids anywhere by myself anymore. It's too much for me.

I can see all of you parents of more than two kids shaking your heads at me. I know, I'm letting you down. If you can do it, why can't I?

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