Thirty-Nine Weeks

I will be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I haven't really been blogging because I figure most people don't want to read about the complaints I have had lately - everyone gets enough of that on facebook and elsewhere. I really don't mean to complain and I try my best to roll with things, but like the end of my pregnancy with Natalie, anxiety has really set it - only worse this time.

It started when there was the risk of facing a c-section due to Baby Boy's position. At 35 weeks we discovered he was transverse. I had a couple more ultrasounds and thankfully he has been staying head down for the most part since 37 weeks. I have also had contractions on and off daily for two weeks now. Sometimes they have become pretty strong and just a few minutes apart, but they always taper off especially if I am able to relax in bed and go to sleep. I did end up in labor and delivery once though - not for contractions, but for bleeding. Turns out the bleeding was just from being checked at my doctor's appointment, but it was still stressful nonetheless.

I am 2cm dilated and thick and have been for weeks now. I feel like the contractions I've endured have done nothing except cause me unnecessary pain, which is another reason I've been frustrated and anxious. I know that you can go from no progress at all to having a baby in just a few short hours, but knowing that my body isn't making the physical progress is frustrating. I also realize that I still have a week until my due date and all a due date is is an estimate - not an expiration date. I am just done. I've had severe hip pain and back pain over the last week, sometimes to the point that I cannot walk or lift my legs and the pain of even rolling over in bed brings me to tears. I've learned this is a condition called Pelvic Girdle Pain. I just do my best to make sure I don't overdo it the way I did on the 4th. Today my hips feel like they are dislocated, but it's not to the point where I can't walk.

I've been feeling so depressed and anxious lately. I've spent so many days in the last couple weeks stuck in crying jags that last for hours. It only takes one thing to set me off whether it's just a bad morning with the kids or the sudden thought that soon I'll have a newborn, a toddler, and a preschooler. I constantly find myself doubting my abilities as a mom and worrying about my relationship with all three kids. I worry that I'll be neglecting all of them for different reasons. I am afraid I won't be able to have that bonding time with Baby Boy because I'll be so busy taking care of Natalie and Timmy. It took me ten months to really start to feel like I had bonded with Natalie and that in itself was part of the cause of my PPD after she was born.

I'm starting on Zoloft to help ward off any strong feelings of depression. The funny thing is, I got the prescription filled two days ago and I've yet to take a pill because I simply haven't remembered. It isn't going to do me any good if it's sitting on the counter unopened. I've also been given the option to induce at the end of the week. It's entirely up to me. Part of me just wants to do the induction to be done with everything and to know that there is an end in sight. Even though knowing that I can plan the day of his (possible) birth, I am still leaning against doing an induction until I'm at least overdue. I still like the idea of possibly having a due date baby and at this point it's only a week away. Plus, there are so many risks involved with having an induction and I really want to avoid having pitocin if I don't have to have it. It is definitely something I am praying about and will have to see how I am feeling by my appointment on Wednesday.

It's not all bad though - knowing that this is most likely the last time I'll be pregnant (Lord willing) I am doing my best to enjoy the endless kicking and rolling from this boy. I know there will be times when I will feel "empty" after he is born. I felt that way so strongly after Timmy was born. I am really looking forward to newborn snuggles.

It is really fun watching Timmy talk to Baby Brother through my tummy and having him feel the baby kick. He is really excited for Baby Brother to come and play :)

I will just have to wait and see what this next week holds for us.

Déjà vu

I'm 34 weeks today. I'm frustrated and I'm nervous. Why? It was around this time that the anxiety and panic attacks I had while pregnant with Natalie started really being a regular occurrence. Today I am full of anxiety and have the fight or flight feeling settled down in the pit of my stomach and I cannot get it to go away. I'm flying off the handle at the kids for no reason - even the sound of them breathing makes me yell at them right now because it sounds a hundred times louder than normal.

I'm frustrated because it seems like my house is falling apart and everything takes twice as long to do because it's done halfway. I go to throw something away to find no trash bag. It starts to rain and I realize one of the dining room chairs is out on the deck. I want to have a pool party with the kids this afternoon but the pools are still filled up from last time so I go to dump them out and I can't lift the big one and it's too heavy for me to empty and it's too humid for me to sit out there and dump the thing out bucket by bucket. I send Timmy outside to play this morning only to realize that the gate is wide open and I find him out front. I can't even grocery shop with the kids anymore because they both sit there and whine and cry for everything or because they want to walk but they refuse to walk nicely or hold onto the cart. I've come to the conclusion that my mother is right; I really can't handle my own kids.

I feel like one epic failure today. Yelling at my kids nonstop really must make them think I hate them. All I want to do is have a fun afternoon with them and I can't. The heat makes me physically sick, and like I said before, I can't even provide them with the pool party that I promised. FAIL.

The biggest part I am struggling with today is that I ended up with PPD after Natalie was born, was put on a drug that made me gain a ton of weight and truly sucked to be on and sucked even more to try and wean off of, and it looks like I'm already halfway there again.

28 weeks!

I had my 28 week appointment this morning. Baby's hb was 146 and he was wiggling all over. He appears to be head down now and I hope he stays that way! I'm measuring right on still, so woo hoo!! Perhaps we have a normal-sized baby still baking in there! I asked Dr. VS about the bleeding I had earlier this week and he said it was most likely caused by the coughing and the pressure on my lady bits. The spotting is completely gone now, so yay!

I also saw the PA at my regular doctor's office yesterday about my cough. She said my lungs were clear and it's just coughing left over from bronchitis. She put me on Z-Pak and also told me take Sudafed (I got Walgreens brand...totally forgetting that we already had some at home...DOH!). I also picked up some iron pills and now I feel good and drugged. So far no change in my coughin, but hopefully soon.

I can't believe I'm getting so much closer to having this boy!! I can't wait to see his sweet little face.

What to do?

Now that I have totally gotten everything out and ranted and vented how I have been feeling, I need to figure out what I can do to change the things in my life that are really weighing me down.

First, in regards to being sick, I can go to the doctor. I have an appointment at 2 (conveniently during rest time) so hopefully they can give me something to help my cough. Once I start feeling better physically, maybe some of the other things in my life will start to improve - mainly my lack of energy. If I had even 50% more energy things would be better around here. I can't even walk up and down the stairs without getting winded and wanting to lay down for awhile.

Second, with the worry about my bleeding (which is gone today, yay!) I can see my ob. I have my 28 week appointment tomorrow morning. I can also talk to him about how I've been feeling and see what I can do during pregnancy to help with anxiety and possible depression. This is how I was feeling during the last few weeks that I was pregnant with Natalie. Most of my blog entries from July and August 2009 are about anxiety. After she was born those feelings didn't go away and I was put on Paxil without much research from myself and that ended up being one of the worst experiences in my life. I will never again go on Paxil and I will never again go on an anxiety or depression med without researching it first. I do worry about getting PPD again.

As far as Timmy goes, I'll keep pushing forward and just take things one minute at a time sometimes. Some days are and will be better than others and when those "other" days are here and I feel so lousy to begin with, it sure doesn't make dealing with Timmy any easier.

And it sure would be nice to see some SUNSHINE around here! I know that will help for sure! As much as I love rainy days, the last month has been raining and I am OVER IT. I am especially over it for my "neighbors" to the south. The tornado outbreak over the last week has been devastating to say the least. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone dealing with the aftermath.

Today is a new day and it's up to me how I will make it.

One Week Later

I am so ready to throw in the towel and say screw this whole "peaceful" parenting approach. It seemed to do well for a couple days but Timmy is not responding to anything anymore. He is terrible. I absolutely hate the way I am feeling about my son right now.

He is so aggressive. He is mean-spirited, foul-mouthed, and rude. He hits and pushes for no reason and isn't even prompted to do so by something that is bugging him. He is possessive over everything and is very bossy and pushy and doesn't hesitate to hit or bite if things aren't going his way. Yes, I am well-aware that these are typical characteristics of a three year old.

I am exhausted. I have had a chronic cough for the last two weeks and can barely breathe at times. My mother is still in the hospital with no ETA of her being able to go home. I finally broke down and called her on Monday. It took a lot out of me just to do that. I feel guilty for the ways I am feeling about my mother as well as my son. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel guilty for not taking care of myself while I am pregnant but what it all boils down to is that I just don't care right now. I feel like I give and give and try and try with my family and don't ever see anything positive come from it. I also hate feeling like my struggles aren't as important as my mom's or my sister's because I'm not in the hospital or going for tests and I hate feeling like they might think that my struggles are pathetic and worthless compared to what they have going on. Which once again leads me to feeling even more guilty and worthless.

I have no energy. I want so badly to be able to do all the fun things with my kids that I see people on FB posting about doing with their kids. I see everyone posting about how they went on a fun trip or cruise and can't help but feel jealous that they get to do something fun and exciting while I am home just trying to muster up the energy to go to the bathroom. I see a lot of people posting about how happy they are and how much they love their life when all I want to do is run away from mine. I don't want to take away from their happiness; I am glad that my friends and family are happy and enjoying life. I just wish I could be like them. I wish I even had it in me to take my kids to the park or even just go in the back yard with them but I can't. I do not have the energy to chase and entertain my kids right now.

Last night I started bleeding - quite heavily at first. I thought for sure this was it. Being only 28 weeks pregnant I should have immediately gone to the ER to make sure everything was okay. I laid down for awhile and was still feeling the baby wiggling around like crazy, so I knew that he was okay. I wasn't having any contractions or major cramping, so I decided to wait it out over night. Today the bleeding has turned brown and is very light, just spotting now. I still feel him moving all of the time, so my guess is I've been coughing too much and too stressed out and popped a blood vessel or something. I have an appointment on Friday so unless I start bleeding heavily again I am going ot wait it out. I do fully expect him to scold me for not going to the ER, but the running theme of this entire blog is "I DON'T CARE."

I totally lost it on Timmy today and yelled at him. I made it a week without yelling at him though so that is pretty good. I haven't left my house since Sunday, aside from going to Jimmy Johns a couple days ago. I have cabin fever just as much as the kids do, but I am too scared to do anything too active for fear of bleeding again and I really don't have it in me to take the kids anywhere by myself anymore. It's too much for me.

I can see all of you parents of more than two kids shaking your heads at me. I know, I'm letting you down. If you can do it, why can't I?

Debbie Downer.

Allow me to vent for a bit. It is my blog after all - it doesn't always have to be about rainbows and sunshine.

When I was pregnant with Natalie, my mom was in and out of the hospital for severe depression several times. After she was born, my mom did really well for a very long time. Now I'm pregnant again and it seems we're back to the hospital trips. I'm pretty sure I am the most heartless person because right now I just. don't. care. I have spent my entire life dealing with this. Having a mother who suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts, has borderline personality among other things, and on top of it can be overly religious and assume I'm going to Hell for no apparent reason can really weigh on someone after awhile. So yeah, I'm not gonna pretend to care deeply when right at this moment I don't. When one gets their first job, the first words out of your mother's mouth shouldn't be asking for money. I still find it hard to believe that I gave my mother $75 out of my paycheck for nearly a year. For what? I didn't live with her. I was technically an adult. She made it seem like it was reparation for the years she spent raising me and spending her money on me. I was so incredibly brainwashed. So there we go. Right now I don't care.

Three is the most suckiest age I've had to deal with so far. I spent a lot of my day crying because I feel like the most worthless parent with the brattiest kid on the face of the earth.

Last week Chris was in Florida for work. Next month he is going to Arizona for work. Me? I'm stuck at home with the kids just like always except during these times I get no break. I sit and hear Timmy cry for Daddy and I know that if I were gone he wouldn't even bat an eye. I am pretty sure my three-year old hates me and I don't blame him. I'm not very nice these days. I am worn out and exhausted and in so much crampy, uncomfortable pain all the time now. I can't chase these kids. Even taking them outside to play is really tough on me. And for real, if I get any comparisons to your pregnancies or to how I'm "not as big as you" so that I shouldn't feel this way, screw you. Seriously.

Anyway, it just really sucks that he gets to travel and do something different while I am stuck at home being "just the mom." I know it's for work so it's not like he's going and leaving me behind because he's a jerk and I know he'll have things to do that aren't always fun, but I'm still jealous because at least he gets to do it kid free and somewhere where it isn't snowing in April. He says he wants to send me away for a couple days before Baby Boy is born, but really...what is there for me to do in my third trimester of pregnancy when even walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded? What I really want is for him to take the kids somewhere and let me sit in my own house by myself for awhile. Now that would be a nice vacation. I'd love to go sit on a beach somewhere, but right now the idea of sitting on a beach in a bathing suit with my fat belly hanging out is not very thrilling.

So that's that. By the way, rumor has it that my mom will be getting the internet. So...there goes the one place I was mom-free.

ETA: One more thing. Stop trying to save my soul from Hell just because I go to Mars Hill or because I happen to support Rob Bell. I don't necessarily agree with everything he has to say, but I support him and what he is doing. You're welcome to believe the way you want to believe and I am welcome to believe the way I want to believe. You will be wasting your time trying to get me to believe any differently. In fact, the more you try to "witness" to me, the more likely I am to say Screw God in general. When you're greeted by your mother with accusations about a book she hasn't even read regarding your soul and hell, it isn't very pleasant. When you're told to believe a certain way about a book someone hasn't even read, it does nothing but piss me off. You know what? I haven't even finished the book yet so LEAVE ME ALONE. I have heard my pastor speak on his book more than once and his ideas aren't new to the people who have been attending his church for several years. By the way, he never stated any of his ideas as FACT. In fact, they aren't even all his ideas - these theories have been around for years and years. If you're going to read the book with the only intention to prove this man wrong, don't waste your time. Thanks. It's a BOOK. Get over it.

Lots of Randoms

[one] This has been...a week...

The week started off with Timmy just having the worst attitude ever! Last week he ran a high fever for about three days straight and then it went away as quickly as it came. He had no other symptoms with the fever - just the fever. We suspect his attutide might have been him still not feeling great. He would cry over every little thing and was argumentative, cranky, and naughty.

The last couple of days have been better with him, aside from him stealing candy for breakfast yesterday and losing his outside to play privileges. We are so worn out on his overall attitude and lack of sleep and are so ready for a break...which leads me to....

[two] We get to go away!

Chris has a meeting or a reception or something random that is work-related going on in Detroit tomorrow night and we worked it out so that I could go with him! We will stay in a hotel overnight and come back on Saturday. Huge thank yous to Grandpa and Grandma C for taking the kiddos for us! They are excited, especially Timmy. He can't wait to go sledding with Grandma.

[three] Hyperthyroidism

I have been in the process of finally getting an answer to my bizarro pregnancy symptoms that go beyond the morning sickness and fatigue that most people suffer while pregnant.

In all three pregnancies I have experienced a significant weight loss of around 20 pounds each time - and this time has been even more than 20. I am extremely short of breath even if I just stand for more than a minute. I can walk across the room and feel like I am going to pass out, and at times I get very dizzy. Showering is the worst. I'm not sure if it's the heat from the water or the fact that I stand for so long while showering, but I get really dizzy and short of breath during my showers. Another issue I have is itching. I thought I was having a dry skin problem, but this was all over itching that couldn't be tamed even if I lathered on the lotion. This is intense itching that can bring me to tears if it keeps going on. There's also the TMI issue of having the poos nonstop all through my pregnancies. And don't even get me started on the fatigue! I've mentioned before that I feel like I can't get enough sleep and I sleep like the dead - it's just ridiculous how much exhaustion consumes me sometimes and for no reason at all.

So I talked to my ob about it at my last appointment and he sent me for some labwork. My TSH came back at 0.06 which is a sign of Hyperthyroidism - something that causes all of these symptoms - all of the symptoms that Dr. Uh Oh never paid attention to and would respond, "That's weird," when I'd tell her about them. I went back a couple days ago to have get a T4 test done. I'm still waiting for the results on that.

I'm really hoping to finally have an answer to all of my troubles and hopefully something can be done to lessen the symptoms. Don't get me wrong, I could stand to lose a few pounds - but not while I'm pregnant!

Another TMI Post

I told Chris this morning I wouldn't blog about this since he was disgusted by my other entry about puking. But over the course of the day, events have changed, so I am going to blog about it anyway because...well, sometimes it's too "good" to not blog about.

Our poor dog, Wriley, is sick. I have no idea what is going on with her. She did eat a couple of pizza crusts last night from our leftover dinner, but she has eaten scraps before and never had an issue - and she didn't eat that much.

She threw up three times this morning. It's just me and the kids, so I have to clean it up. As I'm cleaning up the first pile, I throw up...all over the puke. That's right, I puked on puke. Somehow I managed to clean up all the puke without puking again, the entire time Timmy is watching. I hate that he saw me throw up.

Wriley won't eat. She wouldn't eat her lunch. She's lazy every day, but today she is extra lazy. She still gets up when you call her, but she just lays around otherwise.

So, after all this laying around and not eating, she gets up and throws up again...twice. This time I'm smart. I puke in a bag while I clean up the dog vomit.

Yesterday was a good day. I didn't throw up at all!

I am seriously so sick of being sick! Happy thirteen weeks to me.

A Post About Puke

I'm sure you're all anxious to read this one, so I better get to it. Internet, this is my boy, Timmy. Kid is two, almost three, and at the stage where he really enjoys gross things. Boogers? Fun. Burping? Fun. Farting? Fun. Sticking fingers in poo? Fun. Chewing food then spitting it out? Fun. Every little detail of his life right now is gross and puke-worthy.

I really thought I was coming out of the morning sickness stage, but for the last two days every little thing that Timmy has done has literally made me vomit. Yesterday he chewed up some fruit bar then pulled it out of his mouth and tried to hand it to me. My reaction? I puked.

Today he had a doosy of a twosie. My reaction? I puked. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of changing his diaper and here is where it gets really gross - I swallowed it. It was either puke in the poop, then probably puke some more, or swallow it. I wasn't about to let a two-year old with a butt covered in poo run around the house while I was off vomiting.

Why am I telling you this story? Well, perhaps there is someone out there really wanting to get pregnant but really shouldn't have kids. Maybe hearing about the joys of puking while pregnant will serve as good birth control.

Seriously, I never puked this much or this long with either of my other pregnancies. I was not prepared for this. I better be giving birth to the world's most perfect baby for all the icky sickies this child is putting me through.

Fed up.

I am fed up. I'm just done. The last two days my anxiety is through the roof. I can see ppd settling in for a nice long stay after this baby arrives. I'll be back on Satan's Drug and end up fatter than before, ugly, and worthless. I can't stop yelling at the kids and it takes all I have in me to not raise a hand at them.

I'm not kidding. My skin is crawling with anxiety right now and any time either one of them come near I instantly push them away, physically, but I cannot handle touch right now. I am hungry, all the time, but I can't eat. First, I can't eat because most of the time anything that goes in my mouth tries to come right back out. Second, if I even get a chance to eat I have two little turds begging at me and crying at me for me to give them my food - even if I eat with them, Timmy grabs food from my plate. Eating is a waste of time because I don't get to actually eat when I try. It's pointless to even bother.

I can't drink water. This baby is going to come out weighing like three pounds and will be so malnourished because I can't drink water to keep hydrated. I'm going to end up with this baby taken away because I will be accused to not taking care of myself while pregnant, thus making my baby failure to thrive. When do I get the chance to take care of myself?

I am fed up with the climbing. Natalie will not stop climbing on things and then knocking things down and then falling down and whatever else she can manage to do. I figured the novelty of being able to climb would have worn off by now, but it's nowhere near being done.

I am fed up with not having anywhere to put any of my hobbies. If I want to crochet I have to keep all my stuff in the basement. There isn't even anywhere to put the kids coloring books or crayons unless we keep it in the basement. Basically, if it's in the basement it doesn't get used.

I am also fed up with the insane love of taking nice pictures that I have. If I didn't like taking pictures I wouldn't have the need for a DSLR and then I wouldn't have to be jealous of the people who have nice cameras. And I wouldn't be ashamed of the pictures I take.

I blame all of this on being hungry. If I could eat and get full, I think I'd be happier.

Internet, I'd like you to meet

Baby Tres!

I've been not blogging lately because I wanted to avoid spilling the beans until we were ready to tell.

Baby is a total surprise but very much welcomed. I am 11w 4d and still struggling with morning sickness on a pretty regular basis. I am showing already compared to taking forever to get a bump with Timmy and Natalie. And before anyone points it out to me, I am well aware of the fact that it isn't actually uterus that is showing. Thanks.

This pregnancy pretty much started out like my other pregnancies - precarious and scary. I tend to bleed a lot while pregnant. I have a new ob this time around who is a vast improvement over Dr. Uh Oh. I've been in for several ultrasounds already to try and find a cause for the bleeding and for the first time in three pregnancies I have an answer - a subchorionic hematoma. Basically that is a tear in the uterus that causes bleeding. It can cause miscarriage if it doesn't get reabsorbed or bled out. Thankfully, in my case, it bled out and at my last ultrasound there was no sign of the bleed. Whew!

I have an edd of july 21, 2011. Duh. I guess you didn't need the year as I am not an elephant. At this point I am just praying the morning sickness goes away soon.

Thirty-Nine Weeks

Supposedly one one week to go. More than likely it'll be closer to two weeks to go though. I had my 39 week appt this morning and Baby Girl is measuring at 37 weeks, her hb was around 140, and I didn't gain or lose any weight. Dr. K is really such a great ob compared compared to Dr. Uh-oh. She actually stepped out of the room when I undressed to be checked. Sadly, there has been absolutely no progress made since my 36 week appt. I am still only 1cm dilated and not effaced at all. I know this really doesn't mean a whole lot since she'll come when she wants to. Some ladies sit dilated to a 3 for weeks and others can go into labor and not be dilated at all.

Anxiety has gotten a bit better the last couple days. This has helped with my patience. I also got my sleepy-time pills refilled and slept much better last night. This also helps with my patience. Dr. K doesn't want me to go past 41 weeks, so knowing that most likely I have at the most two weeks left helps me be patient. It's nice knowing there is a light at the end of a very long tunnel.

I don't know how elephants do it.

Thirty-Eight Weeks

She can come any time.

I don't think I've progressed really at all since I was checked at thirty-six weeks, but anything can happen. I'm sick of hearing about how things happen with second pregnancies vs. the first because really, she's going to come when she is good and ready...which will probably be some time in October.

I've been having some issues with anxiety for the last week. I will sometimes feel like I've had ten cups of coffee but really I've had none. I get really jittery, my jaw aches and is really tense, I can hardly breathe, and my heart races. The doc I saw yesterday wasn't too concerned right now, but wants me to keep an eye on things and if they don't get better after she is born then we'll talk about medication. I worry more about PPD, but I didn't have much more than just the baby blues with The Boy, so hopefully that won't be a problem this time either.

I took The Boy to Build-A-Bear today to celebrate Big Brother Celebration Day. He picked out a dog that I named Jack and he loves him! I also got him a stroller to push Jack around and he is obsessed with it. I knew a stroller would be a big hit because The Boy is obsessed with his own stroller. I also got new shoes for him because his feet are huge and he has outgrown his other shoes. He is now a size six! SIX! Big foot!

Lord, Beer Me Strength

I am so anxious. Yesterday I was anxious. Today I am anxious. In my head I have a list of things I need to do before Baby Girl arrives, but it's really too soon to do some of these things. I need to wash up the floor gyms, stroller pads, bouncer and swing pads, baby bottles, breast pump supplies, etc. But once I wash them I have nowhere to put them for the time being except right where I got them from, in the basement, and then I'd have to wash them again.

The Boy has been obnoxiously cuddly the last couple days. He has been willingly sitting on my lap for upwards of thirty minutes...without books! He's just been cuddling and talking to me and snuggling his buddies (right now Radish, his little Beanie Baby, is his favorite). Tomorrow he is going to be seventeen months old. He is like a little five-year-old stuffed into a seventeen month old's body. Everyday he is saying new words, words we haven't tried to teach him, and he is retaining information like you wouldn't believe.

Some of his more funny moments are when he yells, "Hey!" or "Hey! You!" He also referred to "upstairs" as "upsteps" yesterday. That was adorable. He will count to three if I start off with one. It sounds like "doh....DAH!" Three is always yelled. It's a very important number. He still loves saying doctor, uh-oh, hi, hide, and eyes. Eyes is appropriately accompanied by a swift poke into one's eye.

He is going to be an amazing big brother. I just hope he isn't assuming that Baby Sister is going to either a) come out of my boob or b) be a giant lizard. Right now if I ask him where Baby Sister is he either points to my lizard tattoo or my boob. He's slightly confused.

Today is our third anniversary. I really want to go have dinner at San Chez, but I don't want to bring The Boy along. Some dinners out with him are easy, but most are a bit frustrating. I'd like to have a nice date night before Baby Girl arrives because once she is here, our date nights will be even more sparse than they are now.

Husband, if you read this, I love you!

Thirty-Seven Weeks

I don't think I was this anxious towards the end last time I was pregnant. I'm considered full term now and would love to have her by the end of the day, but there are a lot of reasons why I also don't want to have her until her due date.

1. My sister is in Tennessee and I'd really like her to be at the delivery.
2. The doctor I'd like to deliver her is going to be on vacation next week.
3. I want to spend as much one-on-one time with The Boy as possible before I have to share my time.
4. The Husband has a very busy week of work next week.
5. My nursing tank hasn't arrived yet and I want it for in the hospital. It's on back order so it'll be a race to see which arrives first - the baby or the shirt.
6. Forty weeks is probably better than thirty-seven weeks.
7. I still haven't washed up sheets, bouncer stuff, etc or set up a place for her to sleep.
8. I like my sleep.

Those are pretty good reasons to be patient and not be so antsy to have this baby.

Last week at my appointment I was dilated to a one and my cervix hadn't begun to thin out yet. I didn't get checked this week for which I am grateful. My lady bits still hurt from the exam last week. Today Baby Girl's hb was about 150 and sounded very swishy and wet and different. Somehow she is sitting very much right on top of my bladder yet her butt is crammed up into my ribs. I am very compact. I am measuring two weeks behind still, no biggie. I do not expect to have her until I am at least thirty-nine weeks, and for reasons already mentioned, I suppose I am grateful.

I have been crampy and contracty for a week now, but nothing is regular or getting more intense, so I doubt there is a whole lot happening in the progress department anyway.

I've been spoiling The Boy on our last few weeks just the two of us. Yummy snacks and treats, lots of book reading and chase games. This boy is my life and I am worried what will happen to our relationship when Baby Girl arrives. I sure am going to miss him when I'm in the hospital!

Thirty-Six Weeks

Yesterday I turned thirty-six weeks. Four weeks left. Maybe less. I hope less. At my appointment I was dilated to a one. It was also the last time I'd be seeing Dr. Uh-Oh, as The Boy calls her. I am very excited because now I get to see Dr. Wonka, the man who delivered The Boy. He was fantastic!

I've been very crampy, lots of contractions on and off for several days now. I've also been having the poos, which was a sure sign that I was going to be going into labor with The Boy. We'll see when Baby Girl decides to make her grand entrance, I'm hoping it won't be forty weeks. The only thing that makes me want her to wait that long is the prospect of having two due date babies.

I'm feeling very anxious, nervous, and nostalgic these last few days. I've been listening to some of my favorite bands with The Boy and remembering some of the times when I started listening to those bands - before I had kids. Part of me really misses that freedom, but then I realize I'm so close to bringing Baby Girl into the world and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Boy is waiting for me to feed him some Maple and Brown Sugar Cream of Wheat, so I best be going.

Thirty-Five Weeks

Today I am thirty-five weeks pregnant with this sweet little girl. For about a month I have been having a mix of Braxton Hicks contractions along with some more intense contractions. The more intense contractions have really picked up over the last week, but still not enough to make me even remotely think that anything is going to happen soon. I'm more uncomfortable than anything, but that's to be expected at this point. I'm still having troubles sleeping at night, but not every night. Some nights I take an Ambien before bed and sleep beautifully and other nights I don't and I toss and turn, but I don't want to take Ambien every night and become dependent upon it.

My heart is still heavy for my friend's son. He had a biopsy yesterday on the Wilms' Tumor and they are hopeful to get the results back this afternoon and to learn more about what is happening inside his little body. They've been told so many different things since this first started last week and I'm praying they'll be able to know better what's going on now and will know which direction to take. It looks like chemo is the next step. That poor little boy's body is being put through the wringer and he and his family need a lot of prayer! Thankfully they have a wonderful support system of friends and family and it sounds like he's in a good hospital that is doing their best to take care of all of their needs.

Yesterday I picked up a double stroller from a lady on Craigslist. It's not the prettiest stroller, but it's in decent shape and will do the job! All I have left on the list of things we need are a breast pump and either a crib or a toddler bed. Not the cheapest things, but it's better than the first time around when we had nothing!

Thirty-Four Weeks

Today I am 34 weeks pregnant. Six weeks left until my due date. A lot has been going on with me in the last few weeks, more mentally than physically. First off, The Boy was driving me absolutely nuts last week! He is going through a very defiant stage that seems to also coincide with a very clingy stage. He has learned the art of the temper tantrum and will throw one for no reason. It honestly doesn't bother me most of the time. I know to just let him do his thing and ignore him and that works. It's more the noise of him throwing the fit that gets me. He has never thrown a tantrum outside of the house so far, so at least I haven't had to deal with public humiliation yet.

I've also been overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, like I am a terrible mother and won't be able to handle two children when I can barely handle one. This week I have been making a conscious effort to spend one on one time with The Boy the way he wants to spend it (within reason, of course) and that makes him happy. If he wants to carry the crayon bucket around in his mouth, go for it. If he wants to eat finger paints, go for it. Today he has wanted to sit on my lap all day long and play with his easel. That one I don't mind because it doesn't involve pulling things out of his mouth and chasing him around. Plus I get to snuggle and enjoy a cup of "hot" while he is happy pushing buttons.

I am getting very anxious to meet the little girl inside of me. She moves so much more abruptly and regularly than The Boy did. She actually wakes me up at night. Most of the time I enjoy her wiggles, but sometimes they actually get painful and that's when I realize I'm in for trouble from her when she's born.

As for being 34 weeks, I am excited to be one week closer to her birth. Overall I feel great aside from random anxiety, complete exhaustion, and the inability to move at a pace faster than a slow crawl. I can't bend over to tie my shoes anymore and getting up from a sitting position or a lying position takes a lot of effort. I can't complain though; I feel so much better this time around!

On a completely different subject, somehow my blog had been marked as "spam" or written by a robot. I'm honestly not sure how or why they would think that. I've never known a robot to write so eloquently as me. But it meant that I wasn't able to post an entry and I really needed it last week as I went through a mental break down and several days of random crying jags. Those days are over for now, thankfully. We had a break from The Boy and some adult time this weekend. I'm refreshed and looking forward to the new things I can do with my son while it's just the two of us. I'm actually kind of looking forward to how our relationship is going to change when Baby Girl arrives. I picture us enjoying quiet time together (quiet time? The Boy?) while she sleeps and us sharing private jokes of our days together as he gets older. I have never experienced a relationship like that with my son and things I said I'd never do I've done and things I said I'd never let me kid play with I've considered buying for him. I just love to see him happy and can't wait to watch him grow from the early toddler stages into a little boy. He is so amazing and I am so blessed.

Thirty Weeks

Today I am thirty weeks pregnant. Ten weeks to go! I am still aiming for my due date. The Boy was a due date baby so it would be pretty cool to have two due date babies. I had my thirty week appointment and am measuring two weeks behind again and lost weight. It's very frustrating for me because I am eating but Dr. U keeps bugging me about that and I am getting really sick of the "you're so small" comments. It feels like because I am measuring small that any complaints I may have about how I am feeling or how uncomfortable I get aren't warranted because "I'm barely showing." It is nice being smaller because I will have less weight to lose in the end and most of my regular clothes still fit. But it would be nice to stop getting the comments about being too small. Some people are just small, okay?

Yesterday The Husband skipped work and we took The Boy to Millenium Park to swim at the beach. Our usual water-lover was not so fond of the water! He didn't like to be in the sand at all and would fuss if we weren't right next to him in the water. We took him to the Splash Pad as well and that made him cry. Granted it was for big kids, not toddlers, but at home he loves to have buckets of water dumped on him but there he didn't want anything to do with the water. But he did love being in the swing at the park! Silly Husband's phone went swimming with us though :-)

Twenty-Nine Weeks

The last week has been filled with crap, no pun intended. The Boy and I have both been pretty sick on and off and, well, I'm sick of it...again, no pun intended. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better something comes along to remind me that I feel like I was hit by a truck.

Baby Girl is a beast in this tummy of mine! She kicks me all the time and seems to always be rolling around. I'm pretty sure she's already nicely head down which is a vast improvement from The Boy since he was head up or sideways or backwards or never in the right position until I delivered, and even then he came out hand first. I have a giant baby butt jammed into my ribs most of the time now which is very uncomfortable for sitting and makes eating not as much fun now. And breathing? I don't think I'll ever be doing that normally again.

I don't mean to complain. I am so happy. I have the most wonderful husband who takes care of me when I'm sick. I have the most wonderful son who makes everything in my life that much better. I have the most wonderful daughter who is constantly reminding me that I am never alone. So many of the pregnant women I have talked to in the last week have been complaining constantly about their looks and their bellies and being fat and I love every minute of this. I guess maybe I had an advantage since I actually lose weight while pregnant, but still - this is the time you're allowed to let yourself go a little and not worry about those few extra pounds. I'm carrying around this little person inside of my tummy - something that is part of me, yet is not part of me. God is amazing in how He forms this little human so perfectly in my body and I don't even have to do the hard work. I just carry her around in my tummy and throw up a few times.