Déjà vu

I'm 34 weeks today. I'm frustrated and I'm nervous. Why? It was around this time that the anxiety and panic attacks I had while pregnant with Natalie started really being a regular occurrence. Today I am full of anxiety and have the fight or flight feeling settled down in the pit of my stomach and I cannot get it to go away. I'm flying off the handle at the kids for no reason - even the sound of them breathing makes me yell at them right now because it sounds a hundred times louder than normal.

I'm frustrated because it seems like my house is falling apart and everything takes twice as long to do because it's done halfway. I go to throw something away to find no trash bag. It starts to rain and I realize one of the dining room chairs is out on the deck. I want to have a pool party with the kids this afternoon but the pools are still filled up from last time so I go to dump them out and I can't lift the big one and it's too heavy for me to empty and it's too humid for me to sit out there and dump the thing out bucket by bucket. I send Timmy outside to play this morning only to realize that the gate is wide open and I find him out front. I can't even grocery shop with the kids anymore because they both sit there and whine and cry for everything or because they want to walk but they refuse to walk nicely or hold onto the cart. I've come to the conclusion that my mother is right; I really can't handle my own kids.

I feel like one epic failure today. Yelling at my kids nonstop really must make them think I hate them. All I want to do is have a fun afternoon with them and I can't. The heat makes me physically sick, and like I said before, I can't even provide them with the pool party that I promised. FAIL.

The biggest part I am struggling with today is that I ended up with PPD after Natalie was born, was put on a drug that made me gain a ton of weight and truly sucked to be on and sucked even more to try and wean off of, and it looks like I'm already halfway there again.