It's been awhile again, as I tend to with blogging...
Last we left off, my anxiety was through the roof. While I'd like to report that all is well, I can't - BUT I can tell you that my anxiety has greatly improved. I'm surrounded by amazing friends who do nothing but encourage me, support me, and build me up. I am so grateful for my "Brain Trust" and the ways they make me laugh,make me feel better, and pretty much just surround me with light and love. Of course I can't leave out my husband who has had to deal with my insanity over the last couple months :)
Life has gotten away with me. We had an amazing trip over spring break to TN and GA that I intended to blog about, and may still do. Timothy started soccer a few weeks ago and LOVES it. The Boy eats, sleeps, breathes soccer. He is definitely his father's son. He is naturally athletic and just can't get enough. Baby Girl has been doing amazing with her reading and does so well. She LOVES school and is sad that it's ending in a month. She adores her teacher and has made so many wonderful friends that I know she will miss over the summer. Thankfully her best friend's mom is part of my brain trust so they can't escape each other, haha. Sammy is growing fast and at three years old is the youngest of my three to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels! For a kid that does everything last minute, I can say I am overly impressed with how quickly he caught on to riding a bike.
I never in my life imagined how busy I'd be as a technical SAHM. Monday is basically the only day I have to myself at the moment, and when I say "to myself" I mean me and Sam. We're a team. But my gigs are winding down as well and I'm sad. I love the kids at Mars and at LaGrave. I will miss them over the summer and I really hope I will see them all again in the fall. I also love the relationships I've built with Kathy, Lynn, Sher, Jo, and Julie (my partners in crime, ROFL) as we've calmed the chaos.
Things haven't been completely easy with the kids, though. Timmy went through an anxious time while Chris was gone in NYC for work and Natalie is going through an intense phase of emotional distress which causes everyone in the house to be knocked for a loop. We are working through it and I know we'll come out on the other end in a better place. Until then, keep pulling for us! As for my husband and my brain trust (you know who you are!), keep praying, sending love and light, and buy me rolos.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Monday, February 16, 2015
Upswing
I might just be coming out of this month long dark tunnel of anxiety. Slowly, very slowly, but surely. The weekend was nice and easy for me, mostly. A few moments of anxiety tummy and some crazy moodswings where I go from happy mom to pissed off mom in 2.5 seconds. I'm working on it. I've been taking relaxing baths and have had a bit more of an appetite again (I can tell because I instantly gained back the three pounds I lost. BAH!).
We welcomed a beautiful new family member into our home on Friday (2.13.2015). His name is Lennon Fitness and he (she? We don't actually know) is a Ball Python. He's adjusting really well to his new home and we were learning each others' tricks. We are both getting more and more comfortable with each other - I let him crawl up my arm and wrap around for a bit this afternoon. Before anyone freaks out, he doesn't squeeze! It's more of a loose bracelet type hold that he does. I think it's more for his comfort and stability than actually trying to "constrict." He has never at all even come close to looking like he's wanted to bite me or the kids even when they are swarming him to give him attention and snuggles. (Yes, he is a snuggly snake!). He is around a year old judging by his size which is about 18-24" long.
The kids don't have school today, but we're making the best of it. We took a drive for trains today and not only did we catch a train, but we found two! Very exciting day :) Now we're hanging out - Nat is watching Spy Kids and the boys made hideouts for themselves. I got Timmy's haircut and picked up a heat mat for Lennon and a bigger water dish for him to be able to go in to lounge if he so chooses.
Thanks again to everyone for has stuck by me while I lost my mind. It's not back, but at least I've adjusted to the lack of sanity.
We welcomed a beautiful new family member into our home on Friday (2.13.2015). His name is Lennon Fitness and he (she? We don't actually know) is a Ball Python. He's adjusting really well to his new home and we were learning each others' tricks. We are both getting more and more comfortable with each other - I let him crawl up my arm and wrap around for a bit this afternoon. Before anyone freaks out, he doesn't squeeze! It's more of a loose bracelet type hold that he does. I think it's more for his comfort and stability than actually trying to "constrict." He has never at all even come close to looking like he's wanted to bite me or the kids even when they are swarming him to give him attention and snuggles. (Yes, he is a snuggly snake!). He is around a year old judging by his size which is about 18-24" long.
The kids don't have school today, but we're making the best of it. We took a drive for trains today and not only did we catch a train, but we found two! Very exciting day :) Now we're hanging out - Nat is watching Spy Kids and the boys made hideouts for themselves. I got Timmy's haircut and picked up a heat mat for Lennon and a bigger water dish for him to be able to go in to lounge if he so chooses.
Thanks again to everyone for has stuck by me while I lost my mind. It's not back, but at least I've adjusted to the lack of sanity.
Friday, February 13, 2015
My Best Buddy
First, I want to thank everyone for their kind words on FB, in the comments, and in messages. I know so many people struggle with anxiety, depression, etc and if there wasn't such a stigma surrounding these disorders, more people would be willing to discuss their battles. I guess I'm just at the point where I can't hide it anymore. Writing has always been my outlet and maybe through my writing I can not only work through my own issues, but others might feel they can as well.
Now, on to My Best Buddy. That would be my Sammy. He's 3.5 now and for awhile we've always just called each other Best Buddy. He's been by my side since he was born unlike his older siblings, he's spent much of his toddler (and older) years having a lot of one on one time with me because the other two are in school. Timmy only had 17 months to himself before he had to share me. Natalie never got that time because Sammy came along when she was 22 months old. But Sammy has been enjoying one on one time with me since he was two, even if it was only for a few mornings a week. But now he has all day every day with me and we do everything together. He's my "baby" and I do a lot of talking to him throughout the day. Sometimes we talk about kitties and birdies and other times we talk about why we feel sad or why we feel angry or happy or upset, pretty much how I'm feeling on any given day because when my shadow is with me, I can't hide anything.
I woke up with anxiety tummy today, as I have for the last month. I'm at the end of my rope with this and I just can't do it anymore. After my shower this morning, I sat down on the steps and cried. Sammy was downstairs riding his bike and I heard him come running upstairs. He sits down with me, looks worried, and says, "Mommy, you crying?" He looks like he's about to cry too and says, "You have a tummy ache? I hug you. I make you feel better." We snuggle and he says, "Mommy, you feel better now?" And you know what? I do. My tummy isn't as anxious as it was before. I think I might even feel a little bit hungry, which I haven't really felt true hunger in days.
My Best Buddy is an amazing little person. He's already in tune to how people are feeling and wants to make people feel better. In fact, all of my kids are this way and I think it's because of all the people in the world I don't hide my feelings from, it's them. They've seen me at my worst - when I've been so mad over the littlest things where I have thrown toys and cursed and yelled and totally lost it in front of them - but then when I'm done, we all sit down and talk about it. I apologize for how I acted, explain how I was feeling and that it was NOT them and that sometimes I have very little control over how my body reacts to things. Other times they've seen me so down that I sit and cry for an hour. During that time my sweet little people rally around me and snuggle with me and draw me pictures and hug me and tell me they love me. My children are my support system and I can't imagine them not being with me. I'm only admitting this for the reason I stated above - I can't be the only one who has totally lost it on their kids and I can't be the only one who is an emotional wreck in front of their kids. It's how we work through it with our kids after all is said and done that is important. I am never afraid to apologize to my kids for things I have said and done around them or to them. I let them ask me any questions they want and I will always answer them honestly. I don't baby talk to my children and I don't blow smoke up their butts. For this, my children are incredibly in tune with their own feelings, and with people around them. In their short lives they've had to witness much more than most people have in their entire lives and they will continue to learn about other real life issues as they grow (not all including me, and honestly, this isn't an all the time thing. MOST of the time I'm a normal boring adult who wants to just sit and veg out in front of the TV and feed my kids mac n cheese.)
Anyway, so there's that. Just opening up here. I'm owning it. I'm owning my imperfections and my struggles. I am not going to hide anymore. I am going to force myself to be happy and to put myself out there and it's not to be faking it til I make it anymore. It's going to be because sitting at home feeling like crap is not going to change anything. I want to feel better and I want to get past this, so the only thing I can do is try. I remember a very early episode of The Simpsons - Lisa Gets the Blues. At the end of the episode, Marge has Lisa force a smile. Later Marge realizes she was wrong to make Lisa force herself to smile, but at the same time Lisa ended up feeling like smiling because she did. So it's a little bit of both - you don't have to fake your feelings, but trying to feel better just might work.
Peace.
Now, on to My Best Buddy. That would be my Sammy. He's 3.5 now and for awhile we've always just called each other Best Buddy. He's been by my side since he was born unlike his older siblings, he's spent much of his toddler (and older) years having a lot of one on one time with me because the other two are in school. Timmy only had 17 months to himself before he had to share me. Natalie never got that time because Sammy came along when she was 22 months old. But Sammy has been enjoying one on one time with me since he was two, even if it was only for a few mornings a week. But now he has all day every day with me and we do everything together. He's my "baby" and I do a lot of talking to him throughout the day. Sometimes we talk about kitties and birdies and other times we talk about why we feel sad or why we feel angry or happy or upset, pretty much how I'm feeling on any given day because when my shadow is with me, I can't hide anything.
I woke up with anxiety tummy today, as I have for the last month. I'm at the end of my rope with this and I just can't do it anymore. After my shower this morning, I sat down on the steps and cried. Sammy was downstairs riding his bike and I heard him come running upstairs. He sits down with me, looks worried, and says, "Mommy, you crying?" He looks like he's about to cry too and says, "You have a tummy ache? I hug you. I make you feel better." We snuggle and he says, "Mommy, you feel better now?" And you know what? I do. My tummy isn't as anxious as it was before. I think I might even feel a little bit hungry, which I haven't really felt true hunger in days.
My Best Buddy is an amazing little person. He's already in tune to how people are feeling and wants to make people feel better. In fact, all of my kids are this way and I think it's because of all the people in the world I don't hide my feelings from, it's them. They've seen me at my worst - when I've been so mad over the littlest things where I have thrown toys and cursed and yelled and totally lost it in front of them - but then when I'm done, we all sit down and talk about it. I apologize for how I acted, explain how I was feeling and that it was NOT them and that sometimes I have very little control over how my body reacts to things. Other times they've seen me so down that I sit and cry for an hour. During that time my sweet little people rally around me and snuggle with me and draw me pictures and hug me and tell me they love me. My children are my support system and I can't imagine them not being with me. I'm only admitting this for the reason I stated above - I can't be the only one who has totally lost it on their kids and I can't be the only one who is an emotional wreck in front of their kids. It's how we work through it with our kids after all is said and done that is important. I am never afraid to apologize to my kids for things I have said and done around them or to them. I let them ask me any questions they want and I will always answer them honestly. I don't baby talk to my children and I don't blow smoke up their butts. For this, my children are incredibly in tune with their own feelings, and with people around them. In their short lives they've had to witness much more than most people have in their entire lives and they will continue to learn about other real life issues as they grow (not all including me, and honestly, this isn't an all the time thing. MOST of the time I'm a normal boring adult who wants to just sit and veg out in front of the TV and feed my kids mac n cheese.)
Anyway, so there's that. Just opening up here. I'm owning it. I'm owning my imperfections and my struggles. I am not going to hide anymore. I am going to force myself to be happy and to put myself out there and it's not to be faking it til I make it anymore. It's going to be because sitting at home feeling like crap is not going to change anything. I want to feel better and I want to get past this, so the only thing I can do is try. I remember a very early episode of The Simpsons - Lisa Gets the Blues. At the end of the episode, Marge has Lisa force a smile. Later Marge realizes she was wrong to make Lisa force herself to smile, but at the same time Lisa ended up feeling like smiling because she did. So it's a little bit of both - you don't have to fake your feelings, but trying to feel better just might work.
Peace.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
A Very Personal Look at Anxiety & Panic
Hi. My name is Liza and I suffer from Anxiety.
No, I'm not just saying "oh, I'm feeling anxious today."
Yes, I do mean suffer.
For the last month or so, I have been dealing with nonstop anxiety and daily panic attacks. Unless you have ever had a very real panic attack or deal with long term anxiety, you might think that this post is a garbage or that I'm exaggerating, but for those of us who suffer from GAD, this post is just a taste of what I have been dealing with for the last few weeks, and on and off throughout my entire life.
Every day - EVERY DAY - for the last month I have had "Anxiety Tummy" - a ball in my stomach that just won't go away. I have no appetite, my stomach and guts are all sorts of messed up, and I just feel sick and nauseous all day long. Quite often this leads into a full panic attack, which is not the same as anxiety, but the two quite often go hand-in-hand.
A few weeks ago, Buzzfeed posted a video describing what a panic attack feels like. While there are moments in the video that do accurately describe a panic attack, I highly recommend reading the comments instead for a true description. Some of the commenters describe the video as "a panic attack on Ambien" and I very much agree. And to be honest, I hate how the video ends with "but it passes" as if it's just that simple. It's not.
Let me describe, as best as I can, what a panic attack is like for me. It quite often starts with a racing heart - pounding so hard I can feel it in my throat and I get concerned that maybe it's not panic and maybe I am having a heart attack. I break out in a rash across my face and chest. My body itches from head to toe. My hands and feet tingle and quite often go completely numb. I can't focus on anything visually and my head is in a fog. I attempt to function normally while repeating to myself "this will pass, this will pass" but it's not uncommon for me to walk into a room and have no idea when or why I walked in there. I try to focus on my breathing, but no matter how hard I try to slow it down or to slow my heart down, it just doesn't happen. My chest hurts. My head hurts. My throat feels like it's closing. This lasts for HOURS, friends. This isn't just a "oh hey, I just had a panic attack, glad that passed." No, for me, this will start at any time, usually with no real trigger, and it will last at the very least for an hour, but sometimes all day long.
Chances are, for those of you who have seen me in the last month, you have seen me while I've been smack dab in the middle of a panic attack, or at least struggling with anxiety tummy. I've been doing a really good job at "faking it til I make it." Sometimes that's what you have to do in order to survive day to day life. It's very much an hour by hour thing for me right now.
I've always been someone who worries about everything and stews about stuff. Why did he say that? Did I do that wrong? Is she mad at me? Why didn't this person call me back? Why didn't he answer the phone? Why is she calling me? It's never just "oh, oops, I made a mistake, I'll move on." No. For me, it's "OH MY GOSH HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT?" and then I spend an entire day beating the crap out of myself. I'm so hard on myself and can't ever just move on. I dwell on everything. I'm not an easy person to be around lately, so I am grateful for the friends and family that do take the time to be with me right now. I need it. I need people to talk to and distractions.
I saw my counselor today for the first time in a year. I'm going back in two weeks. It's a start. In the meantime, I am doing my best to find the best coping methods. I take lots of baths and listen to my favorite music. I sit down with a nice smelling candle and do my puzzle books. I snuggle with my kids (even though the anxiety has made me a pretty impatient and hard to deal with Mommy). I watch Impractical Jokers and laugh as much as I can. When I'm laughing, I can't feel anxiety tummy.
There is so much more I'd like to say about this, but I can't get any of it out in a way that makes any sense at all, so I'll just say this is an introduction. I know I've talked about anxiety before, and discussed my experience with PPD and other things before, so this isn't new. I just needed to kinda throw it out that that when you ask me if I'm okay, and I say "yes" and I seem super upbeat, I'm totally full of it right now, but please just take it for what it is because I am trying. And really, I have had some really good days in the last month - I treasure them. It usually means I actually slept well the night before. Two nights ago I was up at 2am. For the day. Woot.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far :)
No, I'm not just saying "oh, I'm feeling anxious today."
Yes, I do mean suffer.
For the last month or so, I have been dealing with nonstop anxiety and daily panic attacks. Unless you have ever had a very real panic attack or deal with long term anxiety, you might think that this post is a garbage or that I'm exaggerating, but for those of us who suffer from GAD, this post is just a taste of what I have been dealing with for the last few weeks, and on and off throughout my entire life.
Every day - EVERY DAY - for the last month I have had "Anxiety Tummy" - a ball in my stomach that just won't go away. I have no appetite, my stomach and guts are all sorts of messed up, and I just feel sick and nauseous all day long. Quite often this leads into a full panic attack, which is not the same as anxiety, but the two quite often go hand-in-hand.
A few weeks ago, Buzzfeed posted a video describing what a panic attack feels like. While there are moments in the video that do accurately describe a panic attack, I highly recommend reading the comments instead for a true description. Some of the commenters describe the video as "a panic attack on Ambien" and I very much agree. And to be honest, I hate how the video ends with "but it passes" as if it's just that simple. It's not.
Let me describe, as best as I can, what a panic attack is like for me. It quite often starts with a racing heart - pounding so hard I can feel it in my throat and I get concerned that maybe it's not panic and maybe I am having a heart attack. I break out in a rash across my face and chest. My body itches from head to toe. My hands and feet tingle and quite often go completely numb. I can't focus on anything visually and my head is in a fog. I attempt to function normally while repeating to myself "this will pass, this will pass" but it's not uncommon for me to walk into a room and have no idea when or why I walked in there. I try to focus on my breathing, but no matter how hard I try to slow it down or to slow my heart down, it just doesn't happen. My chest hurts. My head hurts. My throat feels like it's closing. This lasts for HOURS, friends. This isn't just a "oh hey, I just had a panic attack, glad that passed." No, for me, this will start at any time, usually with no real trigger, and it will last at the very least for an hour, but sometimes all day long.
Chances are, for those of you who have seen me in the last month, you have seen me while I've been smack dab in the middle of a panic attack, or at least struggling with anxiety tummy. I've been doing a really good job at "faking it til I make it." Sometimes that's what you have to do in order to survive day to day life. It's very much an hour by hour thing for me right now.
I've always been someone who worries about everything and stews about stuff. Why did he say that? Did I do that wrong? Is she mad at me? Why didn't this person call me back? Why didn't he answer the phone? Why is she calling me? It's never just "oh, oops, I made a mistake, I'll move on." No. For me, it's "OH MY GOSH HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT?" and then I spend an entire day beating the crap out of myself. I'm so hard on myself and can't ever just move on. I dwell on everything. I'm not an easy person to be around lately, so I am grateful for the friends and family that do take the time to be with me right now. I need it. I need people to talk to and distractions.
I saw my counselor today for the first time in a year. I'm going back in two weeks. It's a start. In the meantime, I am doing my best to find the best coping methods. I take lots of baths and listen to my favorite music. I sit down with a nice smelling candle and do my puzzle books. I snuggle with my kids (even though the anxiety has made me a pretty impatient and hard to deal with Mommy). I watch Impractical Jokers and laugh as much as I can. When I'm laughing, I can't feel anxiety tummy.
There is so much more I'd like to say about this, but I can't get any of it out in a way that makes any sense at all, so I'll just say this is an introduction. I know I've talked about anxiety before, and discussed my experience with PPD and other things before, so this isn't new. I just needed to kinda throw it out that that when you ask me if I'm okay, and I say "yes" and I seem super upbeat, I'm totally full of it right now, but please just take it for what it is because I am trying. And really, I have had some really good days in the last month - I treasure them. It usually means I actually slept well the night before. Two nights ago I was up at 2am. For the day. Woot.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far :)
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Admitting Defeat
I feel very defeated today. I am exhausted. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of nonstop chaos. School started, which meant a brand new school for Timmy, all day every day, and dealing with an overly tired five year old is definitely wearing thin on me. Natalie now goes to school three days a week, which isn't a huge deal. I'm frustrated with her because she went through almost the entire month of August and the first half of September without any accidents at all. The last week she has peed in her undies at least once a day again. If she were actually trying or felt bad when she had accidents I wouldn't be so upset, but she just doesn't try and she just doesn't care. She lies to me about it. So she gets a time out. I reiterate that the time out is for lying, not for the accident. She just doesn't care. Have I mentioned that age four is my least favorite age so far? Timmy was the worst child I had ever seen when he was 4. Now Natalie has his that age and I'm ready to run away forever. And Sammy? He refuses to wear diapers but pees on the floor. He rarely naps now and is unbearable when he doesn't. He has discovered how to voice his opinion and is getting physical. He pushes Tim and Nat and yells at everyone. He screeches that pteradatcyl screech any time he doesn't approve of something. My head is ready to explode by 5pm.
Then Chris was gone on a trip to the UP and then for work and while I am happy he got to have some time to himself to go hand out with friends and do something fun, I am incredibly jealous. When is it my turn? When do I get to go away for a week without kids? I never have. I'm fairly certain that the only time I have ever been able to be away from my kids over night (by myself) was when I was in the hospital last year. Oh boy, what a vacation that was! Almost dying, hopped up on incredibly strong drugs, and in constant and severe pain. Party time!
I joined the Moms Club in hopes of making new friends (which I have!) and being able to get out and do fun things with the kids but I haven't done anything! It's partly on me - when I am actually able to go do something with them I am just so exhausted and grouchy that I stay home so that no one has to deal with me being a whiny pile of over-tired mommy. Now I start a new "gig" tomorrow and help with childcare at a Bible study. I'm happy to help this and start saving some of my own money, but now I'm really feeling like I'm being spread too thin. I'm trying to help with things at Nat's preschool, I want to be involved with Timmy's school, and I feel very overwhelmed now.
What I want - a trip to a nice hotel (doesn't have to be overly fancy, just something with a clean tub, nice smelling towels, a comfy bed, a fridge, and an awesome TV with lots of channels. I want to be by myself - ALL ALONE - for like three nights. Somewhere with a continental breakfast and coffee available at all times. And not in Grand Rapids. I don't want to be close enough that if my kids want me I feel guilty being that close. I want to be far enough away that it wouldn't make sense for me to go home so that I don't feel as much guilt for being away from them. I want to watch movies and crap TV. I want to write. I want to crochet. I want to nap whenever I feel like napping. I want to take a walk by myself in an area where I'm unfamiliar so that it seems like an adventure.
*sigh*
I know, in 16 years my kids will theoretically be out of the house and then I'll get my break, right? Probably not. But I can dream!
Then Chris was gone on a trip to the UP and then for work and while I am happy he got to have some time to himself to go hand out with friends and do something fun, I am incredibly jealous. When is it my turn? When do I get to go away for a week without kids? I never have. I'm fairly certain that the only time I have ever been able to be away from my kids over night (by myself) was when I was in the hospital last year. Oh boy, what a vacation that was! Almost dying, hopped up on incredibly strong drugs, and in constant and severe pain. Party time!
I joined the Moms Club in hopes of making new friends (which I have!) and being able to get out and do fun things with the kids but I haven't done anything! It's partly on me - when I am actually able to go do something with them I am just so exhausted and grouchy that I stay home so that no one has to deal with me being a whiny pile of over-tired mommy. Now I start a new "gig" tomorrow and help with childcare at a Bible study. I'm happy to help this and start saving some of my own money, but now I'm really feeling like I'm being spread too thin. I'm trying to help with things at Nat's preschool, I want to be involved with Timmy's school, and I feel very overwhelmed now.
What I want - a trip to a nice hotel (doesn't have to be overly fancy, just something with a clean tub, nice smelling towels, a comfy bed, a fridge, and an awesome TV with lots of channels. I want to be by myself - ALL ALONE - for like three nights. Somewhere with a continental breakfast and coffee available at all times. And not in Grand Rapids. I don't want to be close enough that if my kids want me I feel guilty being that close. I want to be far enough away that it wouldn't make sense for me to go home so that I don't feel as much guilt for being away from them. I want to watch movies and crap TV. I want to write. I want to crochet. I want to nap whenever I feel like napping. I want to take a walk by myself in an area where I'm unfamiliar so that it seems like an adventure.
*sigh*
I know, in 16 years my kids will theoretically be out of the house and then I'll get my break, right? Probably not. But I can dream!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Normal to be Not Normal
It hasn't even been two weeks since my diagnosis of PE, but I've had almost no real information on how recovery really will be, so I assumed I'd be back to normal by now. I pushed myself this week thinking there was something wrong with me for feeling like I wasn't okay yet. I've been having several panic attacks a day now and am feeling anxious most of the time. My heart beats so hard and so fast most of the time that I'm surprised other people can't hear it. I am winded by walking up or down a flight of stairs. My back pain is off the charts most of the time but I figure that's because I'm a wuss. I pretend it's all okay and tell everyone I'm doing great because I don't want to be a complainer or an attention seeker. I want to be normal. I want to get back into life again and enjoy my kids and be out and about doing normal activities. Right now even grocery shopping sounds fun.
But the truth is, I'm not doing well. Not at all. I am freaked out over every little pain I feel. I am scared that it's another clot or that the clot I have isn't dissolving and it's going to move out of my lungs and into my heart or my brain or somewhere it shouldn't be. I realize this is silly - I'm on blood thinners now and it would take a lot for the clot to move elsewhere at this point - but it still crosses my mind.
I am exhausted. I'm not just talking like, "Oh, it was a long day, I'm ready for bed" exhausted, but full blown I just did 500 crunches, ran a marathon, and am pregnant with quadruplets and it's the first trimester kind of exhausted. EXHAUSTED. From doing what you ask? Nothing. I don't have the energy to do ANYTHING. I could lay down at any given minute of the day and fall asleep and sleep through til the next day, get up for an hour, and do it again. Yet I continued to push myself this week. I even toyed with the idea of going to the gym (thankfully that didn't work out because there was no electricity at the gym on the day we were going to go).
Don't even get me started on survivor's guilt. You have no idea how I feel right now. Depression, anxiety...so many "it should've been me" thoughts. What's worse is that I also wonder how many people think, "It should've been you." Two women, same week, same diagnosis - one lives, one dies. I know that someone out there has to be thinking it.
My kids haven't had a nice meal in two weeks. Chris is so busy with work and it's not something he can easily take off time from right now. I'm exhausted (did I mention that?) so between the two of us, our kids might get half of a real meal twice a week. Right now the kids eat crackers and yogurt for lunch. It's terrible. I'm just not into doing anything. Those rare moments when I finally have any energy to do something are spent doing laundry or the dishes.
No matter how much I talk about this, I feel like I just can't justify feeling this way. My PE was pretty mild compared to most. So why am I feeling like this? I should be grateful I'm as healthy as I am. Instead of bitching and moaning that I feel like crap, I should be out and about and enjoying life now that I've been really given a second chance to live it.
So I did some googling. I know, Google is not my friend. But I wanted to read real accounts of recovery from PEs from people who have experienced this first hand. I found this absolutely amazing site and here is a great list that describes different issues with recovery and some ways to cope with them: http://lwelch.hubpages.com/hub/Pulmonary-Embolism-Recovery-Tips
And guess what - the list that the author made - made me realize that all these feelings ARE normal. It's OKAY for me to feel this way. I was trying so hard to get back to normal and I guess I need to accept that fact that right now, this IS normal. I don't know when I'll be able to have energy to do anything or be able to take a walk and not get short of breath or even be able to go a day without feeling like someone is taking a sledgehammer to my back and chest, but at least for now that's normal.
So if you see me and you ask how I'm doing, I'm going to tell you that I'm doing great and I feel great. It won't be the truth, but at least you'll know I'm lying now. And then maybe you can just say a prayer for me or give me a hug or maybe offer to help with the kids or bring the kids something to eat. Or not, it's okay. I get by. I guess this is my feeble attempt to ask for help.
But the truth is, I'm not doing well. Not at all. I am freaked out over every little pain I feel. I am scared that it's another clot or that the clot I have isn't dissolving and it's going to move out of my lungs and into my heart or my brain or somewhere it shouldn't be. I realize this is silly - I'm on blood thinners now and it would take a lot for the clot to move elsewhere at this point - but it still crosses my mind.
I am exhausted. I'm not just talking like, "Oh, it was a long day, I'm ready for bed" exhausted, but full blown I just did 500 crunches, ran a marathon, and am pregnant with quadruplets and it's the first trimester kind of exhausted. EXHAUSTED. From doing what you ask? Nothing. I don't have the energy to do ANYTHING. I could lay down at any given minute of the day and fall asleep and sleep through til the next day, get up for an hour, and do it again. Yet I continued to push myself this week. I even toyed with the idea of going to the gym (thankfully that didn't work out because there was no electricity at the gym on the day we were going to go).
Don't even get me started on survivor's guilt. You have no idea how I feel right now. Depression, anxiety...so many "it should've been me" thoughts. What's worse is that I also wonder how many people think, "It should've been you." Two women, same week, same diagnosis - one lives, one dies. I know that someone out there has to be thinking it.
My kids haven't had a nice meal in two weeks. Chris is so busy with work and it's not something he can easily take off time from right now. I'm exhausted (did I mention that?) so between the two of us, our kids might get half of a real meal twice a week. Right now the kids eat crackers and yogurt for lunch. It's terrible. I'm just not into doing anything. Those rare moments when I finally have any energy to do something are spent doing laundry or the dishes.
No matter how much I talk about this, I feel like I just can't justify feeling this way. My PE was pretty mild compared to most. So why am I feeling like this? I should be grateful I'm as healthy as I am. Instead of bitching and moaning that I feel like crap, I should be out and about and enjoying life now that I've been really given a second chance to live it.
So I did some googling. I know, Google is not my friend. But I wanted to read real accounts of recovery from PEs from people who have experienced this first hand. I found this absolutely amazing site and here is a great list that describes different issues with recovery and some ways to cope with them: http://lwelch.hubpages.com/hub/Pulmonary-Embolism-Recovery-Tips
And guess what - the list that the author made - made me realize that all these feelings ARE normal. It's OKAY for me to feel this way. I was trying so hard to get back to normal and I guess I need to accept that fact that right now, this IS normal. I don't know when I'll be able to have energy to do anything or be able to take a walk and not get short of breath or even be able to go a day without feeling like someone is taking a sledgehammer to my back and chest, but at least for now that's normal.
So if you see me and you ask how I'm doing, I'm going to tell you that I'm doing great and I feel great. It won't be the truth, but at least you'll know I'm lying now. And then maybe you can just say a prayer for me or give me a hug or maybe offer to help with the kids or bring the kids something to eat. Or not, it's okay. I get by. I guess this is my feeble attempt to ask for help.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Stress.
I have been under a lot of stress; family issues, personal issues, you name it. Christmas is closing in and I have such a mess of clutter down in the basement that I need to go through and get wrapped and so many projects I still need to undertake with very little time to do so.
Add to it that I came down with the flu or something equally sucky over the last few days. Fever of nearly 102, terrible head cold, body aches, the whole shebang. I've felt so terrible and while I'm slowly feeling better, I'm still not feeling great.
To top it off, the kids have been unbearable. They collapsed Natalie's SECOND crib tent this morning (thankfully Chris salvaged it), Timmy has been peeing in his underwear for no apparent reason, Natalie is going through a stubborn hitting phase, and neither of them listen at all anymore. I do realize it comes with the age, but with so much stress I've been dealing with, it doesn't help.
Chris hasn't been feeling great either, so thankfully my parents came to the rescue and took Timmy and Natalie for the night. I should have some time tomorrow to go through the things in the basement and maybe make a few things.
It got to the point today where I deactivated my facebook account before I vented something and regretted what I said. I'll probably reactivate it tomorrow or Wednesday when I'm feeling a little better. A break is good every so often.
I'm excited to start the New Year off right. I have so many new ideas and goals for 2012. First, I won't be doing 365 with Timmy and Natalie. I'll continue it with Sammy because for now I can still just snap away and he doesn't care. The other two are sick of pictures. I thought I'd also start a new 365 project where I take a picture of the same item every day. I already have this picked out but won't unveil anything until the New Year.
As far as weight loss goes, I'm at a stand still and not going to worry about it until the holidays are done. I did weigh myself today with the fear that I'd gained a ton but I was at 162.5 so I can't complain! Being sick helps I'm sure, haha!
Another goal for 2012 is going to be to actually blog more, spend less time on facebook and the computer all together, and to work hard at being the mommy and wife I've always wanted to be. I need to hold myself accountable and I need others to hold me accountable to keeping with my goals.
In other news, Sammy has started eating solids! This child lives to eat and loves to eat. He is constantly on the boob so I thought that I'd start him on solids and see if he was ready and boy was he! He polished off a whole thing of bananas at dinner tonight! He loves it. He's so funny! He opens his mouth as wide as it can go and sticks his tongue all the way out in anticipation of the next bite. He's so unlike Natalie in this sense where with her I had to force her mouth open and finally gave up and she didn't eat solids until she was nearly eight months old.
As much as I love the holidays, I am looking forward to being done with them this year. I can't wait to start fresh in 2012!
Add to it that I came down with the flu or something equally sucky over the last few days. Fever of nearly 102, terrible head cold, body aches, the whole shebang. I've felt so terrible and while I'm slowly feeling better, I'm still not feeling great.
To top it off, the kids have been unbearable. They collapsed Natalie's SECOND crib tent this morning (thankfully Chris salvaged it), Timmy has been peeing in his underwear for no apparent reason, Natalie is going through a stubborn hitting phase, and neither of them listen at all anymore. I do realize it comes with the age, but with so much stress I've been dealing with, it doesn't help.
Chris hasn't been feeling great either, so thankfully my parents came to the rescue and took Timmy and Natalie for the night. I should have some time tomorrow to go through the things in the basement and maybe make a few things.
It got to the point today where I deactivated my facebook account before I vented something and regretted what I said. I'll probably reactivate it tomorrow or Wednesday when I'm feeling a little better. A break is good every so often.
I'm excited to start the New Year off right. I have so many new ideas and goals for 2012. First, I won't be doing 365 with Timmy and Natalie. I'll continue it with Sammy because for now I can still just snap away and he doesn't care. The other two are sick of pictures. I thought I'd also start a new 365 project where I take a picture of the same item every day. I already have this picked out but won't unveil anything until the New Year.
As far as weight loss goes, I'm at a stand still and not going to worry about it until the holidays are done. I did weigh myself today with the fear that I'd gained a ton but I was at 162.5 so I can't complain! Being sick helps I'm sure, haha!
Another goal for 2012 is going to be to actually blog more, spend less time on facebook and the computer all together, and to work hard at being the mommy and wife I've always wanted to be. I need to hold myself accountable and I need others to hold me accountable to keeping with my goals.
In other news, Sammy has started eating solids! This child lives to eat and loves to eat. He is constantly on the boob so I thought that I'd start him on solids and see if he was ready and boy was he! He polished off a whole thing of bananas at dinner tonight! He loves it. He's so funny! He opens his mouth as wide as it can go and sticks his tongue all the way out in anticipation of the next bite. He's so unlike Natalie in this sense where with her I had to force her mouth open and finally gave up and she didn't eat solids until she was nearly eight months old.
As much as I love the holidays, I am looking forward to being done with them this year. I can't wait to start fresh in 2012!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Thirty-Nine Weeks
I will be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I haven't really been blogging because I figure most people don't want to read about the complaints I have had lately - everyone gets enough of that on facebook and elsewhere. I really don't mean to complain and I try my best to roll with things, but like the end of my pregnancy with Natalie, anxiety has really set it - only worse this time.
It started when there was the risk of facing a c-section due to Baby Boy's position. At 35 weeks we discovered he was transverse. I had a couple more ultrasounds and thankfully he has been staying head down for the most part since 37 weeks. I have also had contractions on and off daily for two weeks now. Sometimes they have become pretty strong and just a few minutes apart, but they always taper off especially if I am able to relax in bed and go to sleep. I did end up in labor and delivery once though - not for contractions, but for bleeding. Turns out the bleeding was just from being checked at my doctor's appointment, but it was still stressful nonetheless.
I am 2cm dilated and thick and have been for weeks now. I feel like the contractions I've endured have done nothing except cause me unnecessary pain, which is another reason I've been frustrated and anxious. I know that you can go from no progress at all to having a baby in just a few short hours, but knowing that my body isn't making the physical progress is frustrating. I also realize that I still have a week until my due date and all a due date is is an estimate - not an expiration date. I am just done. I've had severe hip pain and back pain over the last week, sometimes to the point that I cannot walk or lift my legs and the pain of even rolling over in bed brings me to tears. I've learned this is a condition called Pelvic Girdle Pain. I just do my best to make sure I don't overdo it the way I did on the 4th. Today my hips feel like they are dislocated, but it's not to the point where I can't walk.
I've been feeling so depressed and anxious lately. I've spent so many days in the last couple weeks stuck in crying jags that last for hours. It only takes one thing to set me off whether it's just a bad morning with the kids or the sudden thought that soon I'll have a newborn, a toddler, and a preschooler. I constantly find myself doubting my abilities as a mom and worrying about my relationship with all three kids. I worry that I'll be neglecting all of them for different reasons. I am afraid I won't be able to have that bonding time with Baby Boy because I'll be so busy taking care of Natalie and Timmy. It took me ten months to really start to feel like I had bonded with Natalie and that in itself was part of the cause of my PPD after she was born.
I'm starting on Zoloft to help ward off any strong feelings of depression. The funny thing is, I got the prescription filled two days ago and I've yet to take a pill because I simply haven't remembered. It isn't going to do me any good if it's sitting on the counter unopened. I've also been given the option to induce at the end of the week. It's entirely up to me. Part of me just wants to do the induction to be done with everything and to know that there is an end in sight. Even though knowing that I can plan the day of his (possible) birth, I am still leaning against doing an induction until I'm at least overdue. I still like the idea of possibly having a due date baby and at this point it's only a week away. Plus, there are so many risks involved with having an induction and I really want to avoid having pitocin if I don't have to have it. It is definitely something I am praying about and will have to see how I am feeling by my appointment on Wednesday.
It's not all bad though - knowing that this is most likely the last time I'll be pregnant (Lord willing) I am doing my best to enjoy the endless kicking and rolling from this boy. I know there will be times when I will feel "empty" after he is born. I felt that way so strongly after Timmy was born. I am really looking forward to newborn snuggles.
It is really fun watching Timmy talk to Baby Brother through my tummy and having him feel the baby kick. He is really excited for Baby Brother to come and play :)
I will just have to wait and see what this next week holds for us.
It started when there was the risk of facing a c-section due to Baby Boy's position. At 35 weeks we discovered he was transverse. I had a couple more ultrasounds and thankfully he has been staying head down for the most part since 37 weeks. I have also had contractions on and off daily for two weeks now. Sometimes they have become pretty strong and just a few minutes apart, but they always taper off especially if I am able to relax in bed and go to sleep. I did end up in labor and delivery once though - not for contractions, but for bleeding. Turns out the bleeding was just from being checked at my doctor's appointment, but it was still stressful nonetheless.
I am 2cm dilated and thick and have been for weeks now. I feel like the contractions I've endured have done nothing except cause me unnecessary pain, which is another reason I've been frustrated and anxious. I know that you can go from no progress at all to having a baby in just a few short hours, but knowing that my body isn't making the physical progress is frustrating. I also realize that I still have a week until my due date and all a due date is is an estimate - not an expiration date. I am just done. I've had severe hip pain and back pain over the last week, sometimes to the point that I cannot walk or lift my legs and the pain of even rolling over in bed brings me to tears. I've learned this is a condition called Pelvic Girdle Pain. I just do my best to make sure I don't overdo it the way I did on the 4th. Today my hips feel like they are dislocated, but it's not to the point where I can't walk.
I've been feeling so depressed and anxious lately. I've spent so many days in the last couple weeks stuck in crying jags that last for hours. It only takes one thing to set me off whether it's just a bad morning with the kids or the sudden thought that soon I'll have a newborn, a toddler, and a preschooler. I constantly find myself doubting my abilities as a mom and worrying about my relationship with all three kids. I worry that I'll be neglecting all of them for different reasons. I am afraid I won't be able to have that bonding time with Baby Boy because I'll be so busy taking care of Natalie and Timmy. It took me ten months to really start to feel like I had bonded with Natalie and that in itself was part of the cause of my PPD after she was born.
I'm starting on Zoloft to help ward off any strong feelings of depression. The funny thing is, I got the prescription filled two days ago and I've yet to take a pill because I simply haven't remembered. It isn't going to do me any good if it's sitting on the counter unopened. I've also been given the option to induce at the end of the week. It's entirely up to me. Part of me just wants to do the induction to be done with everything and to know that there is an end in sight. Even though knowing that I can plan the day of his (possible) birth, I am still leaning against doing an induction until I'm at least overdue. I still like the idea of possibly having a due date baby and at this point it's only a week away. Plus, there are so many risks involved with having an induction and I really want to avoid having pitocin if I don't have to have it. It is definitely something I am praying about and will have to see how I am feeling by my appointment on Wednesday.
It's not all bad though - knowing that this is most likely the last time I'll be pregnant (Lord willing) I am doing my best to enjoy the endless kicking and rolling from this boy. I know there will be times when I will feel "empty" after he is born. I felt that way so strongly after Timmy was born. I am really looking forward to newborn snuggles.
It is really fun watching Timmy talk to Baby Brother through my tummy and having him feel the baby kick. He is really excited for Baby Brother to come and play :)
I will just have to wait and see what this next week holds for us.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Déjà vu
I'm 34 weeks today. I'm frustrated and I'm nervous. Why? It was around this time that the anxiety and panic attacks I had while pregnant with Natalie started really being a regular occurrence. Today I am full of anxiety and have the fight or flight feeling settled down in the pit of my stomach and I cannot get it to go away. I'm flying off the handle at the kids for no reason - even the sound of them breathing makes me yell at them right now because it sounds a hundred times louder than normal.
I'm frustrated because it seems like my house is falling apart and everything takes twice as long to do because it's done halfway. I go to throw something away to find no trash bag. It starts to rain and I realize one of the dining room chairs is out on the deck. I want to have a pool party with the kids this afternoon but the pools are still filled up from last time so I go to dump them out and I can't lift the big one and it's too heavy for me to empty and it's too humid for me to sit out there and dump the thing out bucket by bucket. I send Timmy outside to play this morning only to realize that the gate is wide open and I find him out front. I can't even grocery shop with the kids anymore because they both sit there and whine and cry for everything or because they want to walk but they refuse to walk nicely or hold onto the cart. I've come to the conclusion that my mother is right; I really can't handle my own kids.
I feel like one epic failure today. Yelling at my kids nonstop really must make them think I hate them. All I want to do is have a fun afternoon with them and I can't. The heat makes me physically sick, and like I said before, I can't even provide them with the pool party that I promised. FAIL.
The biggest part I am struggling with today is that I ended up with PPD after Natalie was born, was put on a drug that made me gain a ton of weight and truly sucked to be on and sucked even more to try and wean off of, and it looks like I'm already halfway there again.
I'm frustrated because it seems like my house is falling apart and everything takes twice as long to do because it's done halfway. I go to throw something away to find no trash bag. It starts to rain and I realize one of the dining room chairs is out on the deck. I want to have a pool party with the kids this afternoon but the pools are still filled up from last time so I go to dump them out and I can't lift the big one and it's too heavy for me to empty and it's too humid for me to sit out there and dump the thing out bucket by bucket. I send Timmy outside to play this morning only to realize that the gate is wide open and I find him out front. I can't even grocery shop with the kids anymore because they both sit there and whine and cry for everything or because they want to walk but they refuse to walk nicely or hold onto the cart. I've come to the conclusion that my mother is right; I really can't handle my own kids.
I feel like one epic failure today. Yelling at my kids nonstop really must make them think I hate them. All I want to do is have a fun afternoon with them and I can't. The heat makes me physically sick, and like I said before, I can't even provide them with the pool party that I promised. FAIL.
The biggest part I am struggling with today is that I ended up with PPD after Natalie was born, was put on a drug that made me gain a ton of weight and truly sucked to be on and sucked even more to try and wean off of, and it looks like I'm already halfway there again.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
What to do?
Now that I have totally gotten everything out and ranted and vented how I have been feeling, I need to figure out what I can do to change the things in my life that are really weighing me down.
First, in regards to being sick, I can go to the doctor. I have an appointment at 2 (conveniently during rest time) so hopefully they can give me something to help my cough. Once I start feeling better physically, maybe some of the other things in my life will start to improve - mainly my lack of energy. If I had even 50% more energy things would be better around here. I can't even walk up and down the stairs without getting winded and wanting to lay down for awhile.
Second, with the worry about my bleeding (which is gone today, yay!) I can see my ob. I have my 28 week appointment tomorrow morning. I can also talk to him about how I've been feeling and see what I can do during pregnancy to help with anxiety and possible depression. This is how I was feeling during the last few weeks that I was pregnant with Natalie. Most of my blog entries from July and August 2009 are about anxiety. After she was born those feelings didn't go away and I was put on Paxil without much research from myself and that ended up being one of the worst experiences in my life. I will never again go on Paxil and I will never again go on an anxiety or depression med without researching it first. I do worry about getting PPD again.
As far as Timmy goes, I'll keep pushing forward and just take things one minute at a time sometimes. Some days are and will be better than others and when those "other" days are here and I feel so lousy to begin with, it sure doesn't make dealing with Timmy any easier.
And it sure would be nice to see some SUNSHINE around here! I know that will help for sure! As much as I love rainy days, the last month has been raining and I am OVER IT. I am especially over it for my "neighbors" to the south. The tornado outbreak over the last week has been devastating to say the least. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone dealing with the aftermath.
Today is a new day and it's up to me how I will make it.
First, in regards to being sick, I can go to the doctor. I have an appointment at 2 (conveniently during rest time) so hopefully they can give me something to help my cough. Once I start feeling better physically, maybe some of the other things in my life will start to improve - mainly my lack of energy. If I had even 50% more energy things would be better around here. I can't even walk up and down the stairs without getting winded and wanting to lay down for awhile.
Second, with the worry about my bleeding (which is gone today, yay!) I can see my ob. I have my 28 week appointment tomorrow morning. I can also talk to him about how I've been feeling and see what I can do during pregnancy to help with anxiety and possible depression. This is how I was feeling during the last few weeks that I was pregnant with Natalie. Most of my blog entries from July and August 2009 are about anxiety. After she was born those feelings didn't go away and I was put on Paxil without much research from myself and that ended up being one of the worst experiences in my life. I will never again go on Paxil and I will never again go on an anxiety or depression med without researching it first. I do worry about getting PPD again.
As far as Timmy goes, I'll keep pushing forward and just take things one minute at a time sometimes. Some days are and will be better than others and when those "other" days are here and I feel so lousy to begin with, it sure doesn't make dealing with Timmy any easier.
And it sure would be nice to see some SUNSHINE around here! I know that will help for sure! As much as I love rainy days, the last month has been raining and I am OVER IT. I am especially over it for my "neighbors" to the south. The tornado outbreak over the last week has been devastating to say the least. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone dealing with the aftermath.
Today is a new day and it's up to me how I will make it.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
One Week Later
I am so ready to throw in the towel and say screw this whole "peaceful" parenting approach. It seemed to do well for a couple days but Timmy is not responding to anything anymore. He is terrible. I absolutely hate the way I am feeling about my son right now.
He is so aggressive. He is mean-spirited, foul-mouthed, and rude. He hits and pushes for no reason and isn't even prompted to do so by something that is bugging him. He is possessive over everything and is very bossy and pushy and doesn't hesitate to hit or bite if things aren't going his way. Yes, I am well-aware that these are typical characteristics of a three year old.
I am exhausted. I have had a chronic cough for the last two weeks and can barely breathe at times. My mother is still in the hospital with no ETA of her being able to go home. I finally broke down and called her on Monday. It took a lot out of me just to do that. I feel guilty for the ways I am feeling about my mother as well as my son. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel guilty for not taking care of myself while I am pregnant but what it all boils down to is that I just don't care right now. I feel like I give and give and try and try with my family and don't ever see anything positive come from it. I also hate feeling like my struggles aren't as important as my mom's or my sister's because I'm not in the hospital or going for tests and I hate feeling like they might think that my struggles are pathetic and worthless compared to what they have going on. Which once again leads me to feeling even more guilty and worthless.
I have no energy. I want so badly to be able to do all the fun things with my kids that I see people on FB posting about doing with their kids. I see everyone posting about how they went on a fun trip or cruise and can't help but feel jealous that they get to do something fun and exciting while I am home just trying to muster up the energy to go to the bathroom. I see a lot of people posting about how happy they are and how much they love their life when all I want to do is run away from mine. I don't want to take away from their happiness; I am glad that my friends and family are happy and enjoying life. I just wish I could be like them. I wish I even had it in me to take my kids to the park or even just go in the back yard with them but I can't. I do not have the energy to chase and entertain my kids right now.
Last night I started bleeding - quite heavily at first. I thought for sure this was it. Being only 28 weeks pregnant I should have immediately gone to the ER to make sure everything was okay. I laid down for awhile and was still feeling the baby wiggling around like crazy, so I knew that he was okay. I wasn't having any contractions or major cramping, so I decided to wait it out over night. Today the bleeding has turned brown and is very light, just spotting now. I still feel him moving all of the time, so my guess is I've been coughing too much and too stressed out and popped a blood vessel or something. I have an appointment on Friday so unless I start bleeding heavily again I am going ot wait it out. I do fully expect him to scold me for not going to the ER, but the running theme of this entire blog is "I DON'T CARE."
I totally lost it on Timmy today and yelled at him. I made it a week without yelling at him though so that is pretty good. I haven't left my house since Sunday, aside from going to Jimmy Johns a couple days ago. I have cabin fever just as much as the kids do, but I am too scared to do anything too active for fear of bleeding again and I really don't have it in me to take the kids anywhere by myself anymore. It's too much for me.
I can see all of you parents of more than two kids shaking your heads at me. I know, I'm letting you down. If you can do it, why can't I?
He is so aggressive. He is mean-spirited, foul-mouthed, and rude. He hits and pushes for no reason and isn't even prompted to do so by something that is bugging him. He is possessive over everything and is very bossy and pushy and doesn't hesitate to hit or bite if things aren't going his way. Yes, I am well-aware that these are typical characteristics of a three year old.
I am exhausted. I have had a chronic cough for the last two weeks and can barely breathe at times. My mother is still in the hospital with no ETA of her being able to go home. I finally broke down and called her on Monday. It took a lot out of me just to do that. I feel guilty for the ways I am feeling about my mother as well as my son. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel guilty for not taking care of myself while I am pregnant but what it all boils down to is that I just don't care right now. I feel like I give and give and try and try with my family and don't ever see anything positive come from it. I also hate feeling like my struggles aren't as important as my mom's or my sister's because I'm not in the hospital or going for tests and I hate feeling like they might think that my struggles are pathetic and worthless compared to what they have going on. Which once again leads me to feeling even more guilty and worthless.
I have no energy. I want so badly to be able to do all the fun things with my kids that I see people on FB posting about doing with their kids. I see everyone posting about how they went on a fun trip or cruise and can't help but feel jealous that they get to do something fun and exciting while I am home just trying to muster up the energy to go to the bathroom. I see a lot of people posting about how happy they are and how much they love their life when all I want to do is run away from mine. I don't want to take away from their happiness; I am glad that my friends and family are happy and enjoying life. I just wish I could be like them. I wish I even had it in me to take my kids to the park or even just go in the back yard with them but I can't. I do not have the energy to chase and entertain my kids right now.
Last night I started bleeding - quite heavily at first. I thought for sure this was it. Being only 28 weeks pregnant I should have immediately gone to the ER to make sure everything was okay. I laid down for awhile and was still feeling the baby wiggling around like crazy, so I knew that he was okay. I wasn't having any contractions or major cramping, so I decided to wait it out over night. Today the bleeding has turned brown and is very light, just spotting now. I still feel him moving all of the time, so my guess is I've been coughing too much and too stressed out and popped a blood vessel or something. I have an appointment on Friday so unless I start bleeding heavily again I am going ot wait it out. I do fully expect him to scold me for not going to the ER, but the running theme of this entire blog is "I DON'T CARE."
I totally lost it on Timmy today and yelled at him. I made it a week without yelling at him though so that is pretty good. I haven't left my house since Sunday, aside from going to Jimmy Johns a couple days ago. I have cabin fever just as much as the kids do, but I am too scared to do anything too active for fear of bleeding again and I really don't have it in me to take the kids anywhere by myself anymore. It's too much for me.
I can see all of you parents of more than two kids shaking your heads at me. I know, I'm letting you down. If you can do it, why can't I?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Debbie Downer.
Allow me to vent for a bit. It is my blog after all - it doesn't always have to be about rainbows and sunshine.
When I was pregnant with Natalie, my mom was in and out of the hospital for severe depression several times. After she was born, my mom did really well for a very long time. Now I'm pregnant again and it seems we're back to the hospital trips. I'm pretty sure I am the most heartless person because right now I just. don't. care. I have spent my entire life dealing with this. Having a mother who suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts, has borderline personality among other things, and on top of it can be overly religious and assume I'm going to Hell for no apparent reason can really weigh on someone after awhile. So yeah, I'm not gonna pretend to care deeply when right at this moment I don't. When one gets their first job, the first words out of your mother's mouth shouldn't be asking for money. I still find it hard to believe that I gave my mother $75 out of my paycheck for nearly a year. For what? I didn't live with her. I was technically an adult. She made it seem like it was reparation for the years she spent raising me and spending her money on me. I was so incredibly brainwashed. So there we go. Right now I don't care.
Three is the most suckiest age I've had to deal with so far. I spent a lot of my day crying because I feel like the most worthless parent with the brattiest kid on the face of the earth.
Last week Chris was in Florida for work. Next month he is going to Arizona for work. Me? I'm stuck at home with the kids just like always except during these times I get no break. I sit and hear Timmy cry for Daddy and I know that if I were gone he wouldn't even bat an eye. I am pretty sure my three-year old hates me and I don't blame him. I'm not very nice these days. I am worn out and exhausted and in so much crampy, uncomfortable pain all the time now. I can't chase these kids. Even taking them outside to play is really tough on me. And for real, if I get any comparisons to your pregnancies or to how I'm "not as big as you" so that I shouldn't feel this way, screw you. Seriously.
Anyway, it just really sucks that he gets to travel and do something different while I am stuck at home being "just the mom." I know it's for work so it's not like he's going and leaving me behind because he's a jerk and I know he'll have things to do that aren't always fun, but I'm still jealous because at least he gets to do it kid free and somewhere where it isn't snowing in April. He says he wants to send me away for a couple days before Baby Boy is born, but really...what is there for me to do in my third trimester of pregnancy when even walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded? What I really want is for him to take the kids somewhere and let me sit in my own house by myself for awhile. Now that would be a nice vacation. I'd love to go sit on a beach somewhere, but right now the idea of sitting on a beach in a bathing suit with my fat belly hanging out is not very thrilling.
So that's that. By the way, rumor has it that my mom will be getting the internet. So...there goes the one place I was mom-free.
ETA: One more thing. Stop trying to save my soul from Hell just because I go to Mars Hill or because I happen to support Rob Bell. I don't necessarily agree with everything he has to say, but I support him and what he is doing. You're welcome to believe the way you want to believe and I am welcome to believe the way I want to believe. You will be wasting your time trying to get me to believe any differently. In fact, the more you try to "witness" to me, the more likely I am to say Screw God in general. When you're greeted by your mother with accusations about a book she hasn't even read regarding your soul and hell, it isn't very pleasant. When you're told to believe a certain way about a book someone hasn't even read, it does nothing but piss me off. You know what? I haven't even finished the book yet so LEAVE ME ALONE. I have heard my pastor speak on his book more than once and his ideas aren't new to the people who have been attending his church for several years. By the way, he never stated any of his ideas as FACT. In fact, they aren't even all his ideas - these theories have been around for years and years. If you're going to read the book with the only intention to prove this man wrong, don't waste your time. Thanks. It's a BOOK. Get over it.
When I was pregnant with Natalie, my mom was in and out of the hospital for severe depression several times. After she was born, my mom did really well for a very long time. Now I'm pregnant again and it seems we're back to the hospital trips. I'm pretty sure I am the most heartless person because right now I just. don't. care. I have spent my entire life dealing with this. Having a mother who suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts, has borderline personality among other things, and on top of it can be overly religious and assume I'm going to Hell for no apparent reason can really weigh on someone after awhile. So yeah, I'm not gonna pretend to care deeply when right at this moment I don't. When one gets their first job, the first words out of your mother's mouth shouldn't be asking for money. I still find it hard to believe that I gave my mother $75 out of my paycheck for nearly a year. For what? I didn't live with her. I was technically an adult. She made it seem like it was reparation for the years she spent raising me and spending her money on me. I was so incredibly brainwashed. So there we go. Right now I don't care.
Three is the most suckiest age I've had to deal with so far. I spent a lot of my day crying because I feel like the most worthless parent with the brattiest kid on the face of the earth.
Last week Chris was in Florida for work. Next month he is going to Arizona for work. Me? I'm stuck at home with the kids just like always except during these times I get no break. I sit and hear Timmy cry for Daddy and I know that if I were gone he wouldn't even bat an eye. I am pretty sure my three-year old hates me and I don't blame him. I'm not very nice these days. I am worn out and exhausted and in so much crampy, uncomfortable pain all the time now. I can't chase these kids. Even taking them outside to play is really tough on me. And for real, if I get any comparisons to your pregnancies or to how I'm "not as big as you" so that I shouldn't feel this way, screw you. Seriously.
Anyway, it just really sucks that he gets to travel and do something different while I am stuck at home being "just the mom." I know it's for work so it's not like he's going and leaving me behind because he's a jerk and I know he'll have things to do that aren't always fun, but I'm still jealous because at least he gets to do it kid free and somewhere where it isn't snowing in April. He says he wants to send me away for a couple days before Baby Boy is born, but really...what is there for me to do in my third trimester of pregnancy when even walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded? What I really want is for him to take the kids somewhere and let me sit in my own house by myself for awhile. Now that would be a nice vacation. I'd love to go sit on a beach somewhere, but right now the idea of sitting on a beach in a bathing suit with my fat belly hanging out is not very thrilling.
So that's that. By the way, rumor has it that my mom will be getting the internet. So...there goes the one place I was mom-free.
ETA: One more thing. Stop trying to save my soul from Hell just because I go to Mars Hill or because I happen to support Rob Bell. I don't necessarily agree with everything he has to say, but I support him and what he is doing. You're welcome to believe the way you want to believe and I am welcome to believe the way I want to believe. You will be wasting your time trying to get me to believe any differently. In fact, the more you try to "witness" to me, the more likely I am to say Screw God in general. When you're greeted by your mother with accusations about a book she hasn't even read regarding your soul and hell, it isn't very pleasant. When you're told to believe a certain way about a book someone hasn't even read, it does nothing but piss me off. You know what? I haven't even finished the book yet so LEAVE ME ALONE. I have heard my pastor speak on his book more than once and his ideas aren't new to the people who have been attending his church for several years. By the way, he never stated any of his ideas as FACT. In fact, they aren't even all his ideas - these theories have been around for years and years. If you're going to read the book with the only intention to prove this man wrong, don't waste your time. Thanks. It's a BOOK. Get over it.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Fed up.
I am fed up. I'm just done. The last two days my anxiety is through the roof. I can see ppd settling in for a nice long stay after this baby arrives. I'll be back on Satan's Drug and end up fatter than before, ugly, and worthless. I can't stop yelling at the kids and it takes all I have in me to not raise a hand at them.
I'm not kidding. My skin is crawling with anxiety right now and any time either one of them come near I instantly push them away, physically, but I cannot handle touch right now. I am hungry, all the time, but I can't eat. First, I can't eat because most of the time anything that goes in my mouth tries to come right back out. Second, if I even get a chance to eat I have two little turds begging at me and crying at me for me to give them my food - even if I eat with them, Timmy grabs food from my plate. Eating is a waste of time because I don't get to actually eat when I try. It's pointless to even bother.
I can't drink water. This baby is going to come out weighing like three pounds and will be so malnourished because I can't drink water to keep hydrated. I'm going to end up with this baby taken away because I will be accused to not taking care of myself while pregnant, thus making my baby failure to thrive. When do I get the chance to take care of myself?
I am fed up with the climbing. Natalie will not stop climbing on things and then knocking things down and then falling down and whatever else she can manage to do. I figured the novelty of being able to climb would have worn off by now, but it's nowhere near being done.
I am fed up with not having anywhere to put any of my hobbies. If I want to crochet I have to keep all my stuff in the basement. There isn't even anywhere to put the kids coloring books or crayons unless we keep it in the basement. Basically, if it's in the basement it doesn't get used.
I am also fed up with the insane love of taking nice pictures that I have. If I didn't like taking pictures I wouldn't have the need for a DSLR and then I wouldn't have to be jealous of the people who have nice cameras. And I wouldn't be ashamed of the pictures I take.
I blame all of this on being hungry. If I could eat and get full, I think I'd be happier.
I'm not kidding. My skin is crawling with anxiety right now and any time either one of them come near I instantly push them away, physically, but I cannot handle touch right now. I am hungry, all the time, but I can't eat. First, I can't eat because most of the time anything that goes in my mouth tries to come right back out. Second, if I even get a chance to eat I have two little turds begging at me and crying at me for me to give them my food - even if I eat with them, Timmy grabs food from my plate. Eating is a waste of time because I don't get to actually eat when I try. It's pointless to even bother.
I can't drink water. This baby is going to come out weighing like three pounds and will be so malnourished because I can't drink water to keep hydrated. I'm going to end up with this baby taken away because I will be accused to not taking care of myself while pregnant, thus making my baby failure to thrive. When do I get the chance to take care of myself?
I am fed up with the climbing. Natalie will not stop climbing on things and then knocking things down and then falling down and whatever else she can manage to do. I figured the novelty of being able to climb would have worn off by now, but it's nowhere near being done.
I am fed up with not having anywhere to put any of my hobbies. If I want to crochet I have to keep all my stuff in the basement. There isn't even anywhere to put the kids coloring books or crayons unless we keep it in the basement. Basically, if it's in the basement it doesn't get used.
I am also fed up with the insane love of taking nice pictures that I have. If I didn't like taking pictures I wouldn't have the need for a DSLR and then I wouldn't have to be jealous of the people who have nice cameras. And I wouldn't be ashamed of the pictures I take.
I blame all of this on being hungry. If I could eat and get full, I think I'd be happier.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Letter to Timothy
Dear Timothy,
Huh...I'd have never thought that a song I have so fervently made fun of for a few years now would have found a new meaning in my life. Right now I am in the midst of weaning from a very powerful drug and you are catching the brunt of my symptoms. All you want to do is "cuggle" and read books with me, but right now anyone coming within a foot of my personal space is likely to catch a right hook upside the head. I have very little patience for anything and you, being two, already push every single button possible in a mommy's life.
Like I said, I never thought that a song I hated so much would find it's way into my life at just the moment I needed to hear it - and I found a new meaning in it and for us.
"I hope you know, I hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightenin' out to do."
Truly, Timmy, it has nothing to do with you. You've been sweet and loving, funny and joyful. You always know how to make me laugh and your super duper bear hugs are such a comfort when I'm at the end of my rope.
I love you, Baby Boy.
"Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, cuz I want to hold yours too."
Love, Mommy
Huh...I'd have never thought that a song I have so fervently made fun of for a few years now would have found a new meaning in my life. Right now I am in the midst of weaning from a very powerful drug and you are catching the brunt of my symptoms. All you want to do is "cuggle" and read books with me, but right now anyone coming within a foot of my personal space is likely to catch a right hook upside the head. I have very little patience for anything and you, being two, already push every single button possible in a mommy's life.
Like I said, I never thought that a song I hated so much would find it's way into my life at just the moment I needed to hear it - and I found a new meaning in it and for us.
"I hope you know, I hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightenin' out to do."
Truly, Timmy, it has nothing to do with you. You've been sweet and loving, funny and joyful. You always know how to make me laugh and your super duper bear hugs are such a comfort when I'm at the end of my rope.
I love you, Baby Boy.
"Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, cuz I want to hold yours too."
Love, Mommy
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
BTDT Moms, I need your help!
I feel like I'm losing it over here. Natalie's sleep habits have gotten all screwy and it's really hard these days to get her to take a really good nap and at night it's hard to get her to go to sleep without having to let her cry - and even when we do let her cry, it's unbearable because her cries sound like she's in agony. Last night I ended up sleeping in the chair with her all night like she was a newborn. It was the only way I could get her to sleep and let me get some sleep too.
All morning Natalie has cried and cried and she's been hysterical. The only time I got a break from her crying is when I took the kids on a walk and had her in the Sleepy Wrap. I couldn't keep her in the wrap for too long because my back was already sore from the gym yesterday. I had her totally asleep this morning after I nursed her and got her into the crib and like always, she immediately woke up and screamed. If I didn't have to take care of Timmy, too, I would have loved to just held her and rocked her while she slept but I can't do that very well with him up too. It's so frustrating!
I'm honestly not sure if it's separation anxiety, another ear infection, or reflux. A few times last week after I nursed her in the morning she spit up, something she hasn't done since she was just a couple months old. She just can't be consoled, even when she's held. It's like she has colic at nine months old.
If anyone has any advice (nicely given please) or even just some comforting words, I'll take it!
All morning Natalie has cried and cried and she's been hysterical. The only time I got a break from her crying is when I took the kids on a walk and had her in the Sleepy Wrap. I couldn't keep her in the wrap for too long because my back was already sore from the gym yesterday. I had her totally asleep this morning after I nursed her and got her into the crib and like always, she immediately woke up and screamed. If I didn't have to take care of Timmy, too, I would have loved to just held her and rocked her while she slept but I can't do that very well with him up too. It's so frustrating!
I'm honestly not sure if it's separation anxiety, another ear infection, or reflux. A few times last week after I nursed her in the morning she spit up, something she hasn't done since she was just a couple months old. She just can't be consoled, even when she's held. It's like she has colic at nine months old.
If anyone has any advice (nicely given please) or even just some comforting words, I'll take it!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Today was not a good day.
Well, yesterday wasn't much better. Baby Girl is in yet another growth spurt and this has been the growth spurt from hell. During the day, both yesterday and today, she hasn't slept for more than 45 minutes at a time and probably averages ten minutes for most naps. I'm sure she'd sleep longer if I held her the entire time, but seeings how I have to take care of The Boy too, it just doesn't work out that way.
She is also eating non-stop. My poor boobies cannot keep up. She will nurse me dry on both sides and then drink another ounce or two from a bottle and be hungry thirty minutes later. This is no joke. My boobies really aren't satisfying her these days and I have a feeling we'll end up where we did with The Boy when he was a month old - supplementing with formula because I couldn't keep up with him. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with formula feeding. I was just really hoping to avoid having to use it so quickly because it's so expensive. I'm trying to push through this with nursing as much as possible and pumping to keep my supply up, but I'm really feeling like a failure because I cannot get her to be full for longer than an hour and I can't get her to sleep for more than forty-five minutes. She won't even sleep on her tummy in the pnp anymore, something she had done so beautifully up until a couple days ago. She would do two two hours naps in the pnp every day for me and just hasn't for a few days now.
As we speak, she just woke up from a thirty minute snooze. I'm just going to go straight for the bottle this time because I'd like to see how much she is actually taking in at a feeding. And some people questioned why I pumped...well, here's your answer - Growth Spurts. And time off for my over-worked boobies.
How many times have I mentioned my boobies so far? Not enough.
BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES!!! MY BOOBIES!!!!
That should suffice.
Anyway, back to my craptacular couple of days. Baby Girl, The Husband, and I were literally up with her all night. I did not get to sleep until 4am and it was pretty crappy sleep at that since I have had to sleep in the recliner to get her to sleep for any length of time. She will not sleep on her back. She will not sleep swaddled. She will not sleep unless she is held and I am not a huge fan of co-sleeping in bed because, if you have met either me or The Husband, we are messy sleepers and The Husband is a very sound sleeper, in more ways than one! I do not trust us to sleep with her in the bed with us. In the recliner I have a system down and I can feel every little move she makes, which is why she sleeps beautifully and I sleep craptastically.
So, there is no red underline beneath craptastically. Is it a word?
Well, after a night of very little sleep, I figured Baby Girl would sleep better today but NOPE. She and The Boy both decided they were just way too cool to sleep and twice today, The Husband has come home to give me a break. I cried all last night. I cried all day today. I am exhausted and I feel like a big fat frickin' failure as a parent. I have yelled [read: screamed] at Timmy for no reason today. I have thrown things. Today was not very pretty.
I am not doing well and could really use some prayers. Please. I can't do this anymore. I am at the very end of my very thin rope and at some point this rope is going to break and my kids will be the victims. Someone is going to have to get the help for me because I am too exhausted to do it myself.
She is also eating non-stop. My poor boobies cannot keep up. She will nurse me dry on both sides and then drink another ounce or two from a bottle and be hungry thirty minutes later. This is no joke. My boobies really aren't satisfying her these days and I have a feeling we'll end up where we did with The Boy when he was a month old - supplementing with formula because I couldn't keep up with him. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with formula feeding. I was just really hoping to avoid having to use it so quickly because it's so expensive. I'm trying to push through this with nursing as much as possible and pumping to keep my supply up, but I'm really feeling like a failure because I cannot get her to be full for longer than an hour and I can't get her to sleep for more than forty-five minutes. She won't even sleep on her tummy in the pnp anymore, something she had done so beautifully up until a couple days ago. She would do two two hours naps in the pnp every day for me and just hasn't for a few days now.
As we speak, she just woke up from a thirty minute snooze. I'm just going to go straight for the bottle this time because I'd like to see how much she is actually taking in at a feeding. And some people questioned why I pumped...well, here's your answer - Growth Spurts. And time off for my over-worked boobies.
How many times have I mentioned my boobies so far? Not enough.
BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES!!! MY BOOBIES!!!!
That should suffice.
Anyway, back to my craptacular couple of days. Baby Girl, The Husband, and I were literally up with her all night. I did not get to sleep until 4am and it was pretty crappy sleep at that since I have had to sleep in the recliner to get her to sleep for any length of time. She will not sleep on her back. She will not sleep swaddled. She will not sleep unless she is held and I am not a huge fan of co-sleeping in bed because, if you have met either me or The Husband, we are messy sleepers and The Husband is a very sound sleeper, in more ways than one! I do not trust us to sleep with her in the bed with us. In the recliner I have a system down and I can feel every little move she makes, which is why she sleeps beautifully and I sleep craptastically.
So, there is no red underline beneath craptastically. Is it a word?
Well, after a night of very little sleep, I figured Baby Girl would sleep better today but NOPE. She and The Boy both decided they were just way too cool to sleep and twice today, The Husband has come home to give me a break. I cried all last night. I cried all day today. I am exhausted and I feel like a big fat frickin' failure as a parent. I have yelled [read: screamed] at Timmy for no reason today. I have thrown things. Today was not very pretty.
I am not doing well and could really use some prayers. Please. I can't do this anymore. I am at the very end of my very thin rope and at some point this rope is going to break and my kids will be the victims. Someone is going to have to get the help for me because I am too exhausted to do it myself.
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