My Best Buddy

First, I want to thank everyone for their kind words on FB, in the comments, and in messages. I know so many people struggle with anxiety, depression, etc and if there wasn't such a stigma surrounding these disorders, more people would be willing to discuss their battles. I guess I'm just at the point where I can't hide it anymore. Writing has always been my outlet and maybe through my writing I can not only work through my own issues, but others might feel they can as well.

Now, on to My Best Buddy. That would be my Sammy. He's 3.5 now and for awhile we've always just called each other Best Buddy. He's been by my side since he was born unlike his older siblings, he's spent much of his toddler (and older) years having a lot of one on one time with me because the other two are in school. Timmy only had 17 months to himself before he had to share me. Natalie never got that time because Sammy came along when she was 22 months old. But Sammy has been enjoying one on one time with me since he was two, even if it was only for a few mornings a week. But now he has all day every day with me and we do everything together. He's my "baby" and I do a lot of talking to him throughout the day. Sometimes we talk about kitties and birdies and other times we talk about why we feel sad or why we feel angry or happy or upset, pretty much how I'm feeling on any given day because when my shadow is with me, I can't hide anything.

I woke up with anxiety tummy today, as I have for the last month. I'm at the end of my rope with this and I just can't do it anymore. After my shower this morning, I sat down on the steps and cried. Sammy was downstairs riding his bike and I heard him come running upstairs. He sits down with me, looks worried, and says, "Mommy, you crying?" He looks like he's about to cry too and says, "You have a tummy ache? I hug you. I make you feel better." We snuggle and he says, "Mommy, you feel better now?" And you know what? I do. My tummy isn't as anxious as it was before. I think I might even feel a little bit hungry, which I haven't really felt true hunger in days.

My Best Buddy is an amazing little person. He's already in tune to how people are feeling and wants to make people feel better. In fact, all of my kids are this way and I think it's because of all the people in the world I don't hide my feelings from, it's them. They've seen me at my worst - when I've been so mad over the littlest things where I have thrown toys and cursed and yelled and totally lost it in front of them - but then when I'm done, we all sit down and talk about it. I apologize for how I acted, explain how I was feeling and that it was NOT them and that sometimes I have very little control over how my body reacts to things. Other times they've seen me so down that I sit and cry for an hour. During that time my sweet little people rally around me and snuggle with me and draw me pictures and hug me and tell me they love me. My children are my support system and I can't imagine them not being with me. I'm only admitting this for the reason I stated above - I can't be the only one who has totally lost it on their kids and I can't be the only one who is an emotional wreck in front of their kids. It's how we work through it with our kids after all is said and done that is important. I am never afraid to apologize to my kids for things I have said and done around them or to them. I let them ask me any questions they want and I will always answer them honestly. I don't baby talk to my children and I don't blow smoke up their butts. For this, my children are incredibly in tune with their own feelings, and with people around them. In their short lives they've had to witness much more than most people have in their entire lives and they will continue to learn about other real life issues as they grow (not all including me, and honestly, this isn't an all the time thing. MOST of the time I'm a normal boring adult who wants to just sit and veg out in front of the TV and feed my kids mac n cheese.)

Anyway, so there's that. Just opening up here. I'm owning it. I'm owning my imperfections and my struggles. I am not going to hide anymore. I am going to force myself to be happy and to put myself out there and it's not to be faking it til I make it anymore. It's going to be because sitting at home feeling like crap is not going to change anything. I want to feel better and I want to get past this, so the only thing I can do is try. I remember a very early episode of The Simpsons - Lisa Gets the Blues. At the end of the episode, Marge has Lisa force a smile. Later Marge realizes she was wrong to make Lisa force herself to smile, but at the same time Lisa ended up feeling like smiling because she did. So it's a little bit of both - you don't have to fake your feelings, but trying to feel better just might work.

Peace.