Hi. My name is Liza and I suffer from Anxiety.
No, I'm not just saying "oh, I'm feeling anxious today."
Yes, I do mean suffer.
For the last month or so, I have been dealing with nonstop anxiety and daily panic attacks. Unless you have ever had a very real panic attack or deal with long term anxiety, you might think that this post is a garbage or that I'm exaggerating, but for those of us who suffer from GAD, this post is just a taste of what I have been dealing with for the last few weeks, and on and off throughout my entire life.
Every day - EVERY DAY - for the last month I have had "Anxiety Tummy" - a ball in my stomach that just won't go away. I have no appetite, my stomach and guts are all sorts of messed up, and I just feel sick and nauseous all day long. Quite often this leads into a full panic attack, which is not the same as anxiety, but the two quite often go hand-in-hand.
A few weeks ago, Buzzfeed posted a video describing what a panic attack feels like. While there are moments in the video that do accurately describe a panic attack, I highly recommend reading the comments instead for a true description. Some of the commenters describe the video as "a panic attack on Ambien" and I very much agree. And to be honest, I hate how the video ends with "but it passes" as if it's just that simple. It's not.
Let me describe, as best as I can, what a panic attack is like for me. It quite often starts with a racing heart - pounding so hard I can feel it in my throat and I get concerned that maybe it's not panic and maybe I am having a heart attack. I break out in a rash across my face and chest. My body itches from head to toe. My hands and feet tingle and quite often go completely numb. I can't focus on anything visually and my head is in a fog. I attempt to function normally while repeating to myself "this will pass, this will pass" but it's not uncommon for me to walk into a room and have no idea when or why I walked in there. I try to focus on my breathing, but no matter how hard I try to slow it down or to slow my heart down, it just doesn't happen. My chest hurts. My head hurts. My throat feels like it's closing. This lasts for HOURS, friends. This isn't just a "oh hey, I just had a panic attack, glad that passed." No, for me, this will start at any time, usually with no real trigger, and it will last at the very least for an hour, but sometimes all day long.
Chances are, for those of you who have seen me in the last month, you have seen me while I've been smack dab in the middle of a panic attack, or at least struggling with anxiety tummy. I've been doing a really good job at "faking it til I make it." Sometimes that's what you have to do in order to survive day to day life. It's very much an hour by hour thing for me right now.
I've always been someone who worries about everything and stews about stuff. Why did he say that? Did I do that wrong? Is she mad at me? Why didn't this person call me back? Why didn't he answer the phone? Why is she calling me? It's never just "oh, oops, I made a mistake, I'll move on." No. For me, it's "OH MY GOSH HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT?" and then I spend an entire day beating the crap out of myself. I'm so hard on myself and can't ever just move on. I dwell on everything. I'm not an easy person to be around lately, so I am grateful for the friends and family that do take the time to be with me right now. I need it. I need people to talk to and distractions.
I saw my counselor today for the first time in a year. I'm going back in two weeks. It's a start. In the meantime, I am doing my best to find the best coping methods. I take lots of baths and listen to my favorite music. I sit down with a nice smelling candle and do my puzzle books. I snuggle with my kids (even though the anxiety has made me a pretty impatient and hard to deal with Mommy). I watch Impractical Jokers and laugh as much as I can. When I'm laughing, I can't feel anxiety tummy.
There is so much more I'd like to say about this, but I can't get any of it out in a way that makes any sense at all, so I'll just say this is an introduction. I know I've talked about anxiety before, and discussed my experience with PPD and other things before, so this isn't new. I just needed to kinda throw it out that that when you ask me if I'm okay, and I say "yes" and I seem super upbeat, I'm totally full of it right now, but please just take it for what it is because I am trying. And really, I have had some really good days in the last month - I treasure them. It usually means I actually slept well the night before. Two nights ago I was up at 2am. For the day. Woot.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far :)
2 comments:
I was diagnosed with GAD when I was 12, was never medicated for it because my mum was a health nut and so two years later I started self treating with cannabis and it lead to a world of dependence until very recently where it caused big issues within my relationship and financially. I am now trying to find other coping mechanisms for this. I too suffer from panic attacks, still have night terrors as an adult, and I understand how scary it all is!! Its very comforting to read that I am not alone and you too understand the everyday struggle. Sending you love and light ❤❤❤ xo
I get what you are saying dear girl. I have been there and at times still do.remember we are all here for you. Even us Aussie's you know. Lyn
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