A Note to the Older Folks

Yesterday, I had an altercation with an older relative on my Facebook page. This person, though I know means well, has consistently made comments on my pictures and status updates that were anything but helpful, and if anything, were condescending and hurtful. I'm not going to go into specifics on the things she said, but I do have a few things I'd like to say...perhaps a "note" to the older generation who have children who are grown and out of the house or are about the fly the coop.

Right now I am smack dab in the middle of the toddler years. I have an almost six year old, a four year old, and a two year old. All three of them are very different from each other but are loved just the same. We have good days and we have bad days - everyone does. There are times when I miss my children so much I can't breathe and they've only been at school for an hour, and other days I cannot wait until bedtime just so I can get some peace.

I guess what I'd like to say to those who no longer have children at home, please, think back, really hard, to what it was like when your children were small. You may have had one child, the easiest child to care for, or you may have had ten children. I can guarantee there were days when you felt like you barely had your head above water. Right now, I'm there. In a world where social media is the "thing" to do, I take advantage and reach out for support to all of my friends and family. When it's clear that I'm struggling, making judgmental comments like, "a mother doesn't ____ " is anything but supportive. When I say I am ready for a break, saying, "cherish these moments for they grow up quickly," is anything but helpful. In fact, it does the opposite - it makes me feel like my feelings of being overwhelmed are not only irrelevant, but they are wrong. I am fully aware that these years are flying by; yesterday I gave birth to my first child and next month he turns six.

So, Older Generation, please be considerate. I know you have been there, I know that you've seen it all, I know that you have the best advice in the world...but unless you can be empathetic and supportive, please do me a favor and keep it to yourself.

Admitting Defeat

I feel very defeated today. I am exhausted. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of nonstop chaos. School started, which meant a brand new school for Timmy, all day every day, and dealing with an overly tired five year old is definitely wearing thin on me. Natalie now goes to school three days a week, which isn't a huge deal. I'm frustrated with her because she went through almost the entire month of August and the first half of September without any accidents at all. The last week she has peed in her undies at least once a day again. If she were actually trying or felt bad when she had accidents I wouldn't be so upset, but she just doesn't try and she just doesn't care. She lies to me about it. So she gets a time out. I reiterate that the time out is for lying, not for the accident. She just doesn't care. Have I mentioned that age four is my least favorite age so far? Timmy was the worst child I had ever seen when he was 4. Now Natalie has his that age and I'm ready to run away forever. And Sammy? He refuses to wear diapers but pees on the floor. He rarely naps now and is unbearable when he doesn't. He has discovered how to voice his opinion and is getting physical. He pushes Tim and Nat and yells at everyone. He screeches that pteradatcyl screech any time he doesn't approve of something. My head is ready to explode by 5pm.

Then Chris was gone on a trip to the UP and then for work and while I am happy he got to have some time to himself to go hand out with friends and do something fun, I am incredibly jealous. When is it my turn? When do I get to go away for a week without kids? I never have. I'm fairly certain that the only time I have ever been able to be away from my kids over night (by myself) was when I was in the hospital last year. Oh boy, what a vacation that was! Almost dying, hopped up on incredibly strong drugs, and in constant and severe pain. Party time!

I joined the Moms Club in hopes of making new friends (which I have!) and being able to get out and do fun things with the kids but I haven't done anything! It's partly on me - when I am actually able to go do something with them I am just so exhausted and grouchy that I stay home so that no one has to deal with me being a whiny pile of over-tired mommy. Now I start a new "gig" tomorrow and help with childcare at a Bible study. I'm happy to help this and start saving some of my own money, but now I'm really feeling like I'm being spread too thin. I'm trying to help with things at Nat's preschool, I want to be involved with Timmy's school, and I feel very overwhelmed now.

What I want - a trip to a nice hotel (doesn't have to be overly fancy, just something with a clean tub, nice smelling towels, a comfy bed, a fridge, and an awesome TV with lots of channels. I want to be by myself - ALL ALONE - for like three nights. Somewhere with a continental breakfast and coffee available at all times. And not in Grand Rapids. I don't want to be close enough that if my kids want me I feel guilty being that close. I want to be far enough away that it wouldn't make sense for me to go home so that I don't feel as much guilt for being away from them. I want to watch movies and crap TV. I want to write. I want to crochet. I want to nap whenever I feel like napping. I want to take a walk by myself in an area where I'm unfamiliar so that it seems like an adventure.

*sigh*

I know, in 16 years my kids will theoretically be out of the house and then I'll get my break, right? Probably not. But I can dream!

One Week Later

I am so ready to throw in the towel and say screw this whole "peaceful" parenting approach. It seemed to do well for a couple days but Timmy is not responding to anything anymore. He is terrible. I absolutely hate the way I am feeling about my son right now.

He is so aggressive. He is mean-spirited, foul-mouthed, and rude. He hits and pushes for no reason and isn't even prompted to do so by something that is bugging him. He is possessive over everything and is very bossy and pushy and doesn't hesitate to hit or bite if things aren't going his way. Yes, I am well-aware that these are typical characteristics of a three year old.

I am exhausted. I have had a chronic cough for the last two weeks and can barely breathe at times. My mother is still in the hospital with no ETA of her being able to go home. I finally broke down and called her on Monday. It took a lot out of me just to do that. I feel guilty for the ways I am feeling about my mother as well as my son. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel guilty for not taking care of myself while I am pregnant but what it all boils down to is that I just don't care right now. I feel like I give and give and try and try with my family and don't ever see anything positive come from it. I also hate feeling like my struggles aren't as important as my mom's or my sister's because I'm not in the hospital or going for tests and I hate feeling like they might think that my struggles are pathetic and worthless compared to what they have going on. Which once again leads me to feeling even more guilty and worthless.

I have no energy. I want so badly to be able to do all the fun things with my kids that I see people on FB posting about doing with their kids. I see everyone posting about how they went on a fun trip or cruise and can't help but feel jealous that they get to do something fun and exciting while I am home just trying to muster up the energy to go to the bathroom. I see a lot of people posting about how happy they are and how much they love their life when all I want to do is run away from mine. I don't want to take away from their happiness; I am glad that my friends and family are happy and enjoying life. I just wish I could be like them. I wish I even had it in me to take my kids to the park or even just go in the back yard with them but I can't. I do not have the energy to chase and entertain my kids right now.

Last night I started bleeding - quite heavily at first. I thought for sure this was it. Being only 28 weeks pregnant I should have immediately gone to the ER to make sure everything was okay. I laid down for awhile and was still feeling the baby wiggling around like crazy, so I knew that he was okay. I wasn't having any contractions or major cramping, so I decided to wait it out over night. Today the bleeding has turned brown and is very light, just spotting now. I still feel him moving all of the time, so my guess is I've been coughing too much and too stressed out and popped a blood vessel or something. I have an appointment on Friday so unless I start bleeding heavily again I am going ot wait it out. I do fully expect him to scold me for not going to the ER, but the running theme of this entire blog is "I DON'T CARE."

I totally lost it on Timmy today and yelled at him. I made it a week without yelling at him though so that is pretty good. I haven't left my house since Sunday, aside from going to Jimmy Johns a couple days ago. I have cabin fever just as much as the kids do, but I am too scared to do anything too active for fear of bleeding again and I really don't have it in me to take the kids anywhere by myself anymore. It's too much for me.

I can see all of you parents of more than two kids shaking your heads at me. I know, I'm letting you down. If you can do it, why can't I?

Debbie Downer.

Allow me to vent for a bit. It is my blog after all - it doesn't always have to be about rainbows and sunshine.

When I was pregnant with Natalie, my mom was in and out of the hospital for severe depression several times. After she was born, my mom did really well for a very long time. Now I'm pregnant again and it seems we're back to the hospital trips. I'm pretty sure I am the most heartless person because right now I just. don't. care. I have spent my entire life dealing with this. Having a mother who suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts, has borderline personality among other things, and on top of it can be overly religious and assume I'm going to Hell for no apparent reason can really weigh on someone after awhile. So yeah, I'm not gonna pretend to care deeply when right at this moment I don't. When one gets their first job, the first words out of your mother's mouth shouldn't be asking for money. I still find it hard to believe that I gave my mother $75 out of my paycheck for nearly a year. For what? I didn't live with her. I was technically an adult. She made it seem like it was reparation for the years she spent raising me and spending her money on me. I was so incredibly brainwashed. So there we go. Right now I don't care.

Three is the most suckiest age I've had to deal with so far. I spent a lot of my day crying because I feel like the most worthless parent with the brattiest kid on the face of the earth.

Last week Chris was in Florida for work. Next month he is going to Arizona for work. Me? I'm stuck at home with the kids just like always except during these times I get no break. I sit and hear Timmy cry for Daddy and I know that if I were gone he wouldn't even bat an eye. I am pretty sure my three-year old hates me and I don't blame him. I'm not very nice these days. I am worn out and exhausted and in so much crampy, uncomfortable pain all the time now. I can't chase these kids. Even taking them outside to play is really tough on me. And for real, if I get any comparisons to your pregnancies or to how I'm "not as big as you" so that I shouldn't feel this way, screw you. Seriously.

Anyway, it just really sucks that he gets to travel and do something different while I am stuck at home being "just the mom." I know it's for work so it's not like he's going and leaving me behind because he's a jerk and I know he'll have things to do that aren't always fun, but I'm still jealous because at least he gets to do it kid free and somewhere where it isn't snowing in April. He says he wants to send me away for a couple days before Baby Boy is born, but really...what is there for me to do in my third trimester of pregnancy when even walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded? What I really want is for him to take the kids somewhere and let me sit in my own house by myself for awhile. Now that would be a nice vacation. I'd love to go sit on a beach somewhere, but right now the idea of sitting on a beach in a bathing suit with my fat belly hanging out is not very thrilling.

So that's that. By the way, rumor has it that my mom will be getting the internet. So...there goes the one place I was mom-free.

ETA: One more thing. Stop trying to save my soul from Hell just because I go to Mars Hill or because I happen to support Rob Bell. I don't necessarily agree with everything he has to say, but I support him and what he is doing. You're welcome to believe the way you want to believe and I am welcome to believe the way I want to believe. You will be wasting your time trying to get me to believe any differently. In fact, the more you try to "witness" to me, the more likely I am to say Screw God in general. When you're greeted by your mother with accusations about a book she hasn't even read regarding your soul and hell, it isn't very pleasant. When you're told to believe a certain way about a book someone hasn't even read, it does nothing but piss me off. You know what? I haven't even finished the book yet so LEAVE ME ALONE. I have heard my pastor speak on his book more than once and his ideas aren't new to the people who have been attending his church for several years. By the way, he never stated any of his ideas as FACT. In fact, they aren't even all his ideas - these theories have been around for years and years. If you're going to read the book with the only intention to prove this man wrong, don't waste your time. Thanks. It's a BOOK. Get over it.

Timmy the Terrible

I feel like I'm at a loss as to what to do with Timmy. This kid has no middle-ground. He is either really well-behaved, sweet, and charming or he is the exact opposite - words I don't ever want to use to describe my little boy.

When he's good he's a dream child. He plays well on his own, he uses manners, and he's friendly and sociable. He says clever and witty things and no one believes me that he can be an unholy terror.

Then there's how he's acted lately - nonstop whining, crying, yelling, spitting, arguing, interrupting, loud, and obnoxious. He's rude and sneaky. Tonight he cried over every little thing - he wanted Daddy to read a book, not Mommy, he didn't want to wear a bib, Natalie touched his toys. Normally I'd write it off as him being tired from not napping, but he took a good nap today.

Night time is terrible right now and I'm not much help. I feel so bad that I am useless at night, but pregnancy is exhausting and I physically sleep like the dead right now. When I'm not pregnant I have a much easier time getting up to help in the night and in the morning, but right now I feel paralyzed if I wake up in the night and I'm pretty much half-asleep trying to function.

Timmy has nights where he refuses to go to sleep. Thankfully it's not every night, but on the nights when he refuses it is such a pain because the first thing he does is climb into Natalie's crib and wake her up. We can usually get her to go right back to sleep, but if Timmy does this two or three times a night, it really messes both of their nights up.

Then, somewhere around very early morning, four or five, he gets up and climbs into bed with us. Some nights this isn't a big deal because he will either go right back to sleep or we can snuggle for a few minutes then tuck him back into his own bed with no issue - but the last few mornings have been hell. He comes into bed with us, tosses and turns, keeping us both up. We try to tuck him back into his bed, but instead he wakes Natalie up, either by talking very loudly or by climbing into the crib with her. We've tried gating him off and have a "fence" across his room, but he has figured out how to bypass that so it's rendered relatively useless.

So basically, we all get little to no sleep from about five til "morning." Well, I get more sleep than the others, but it's interrupted and not very peaceful. I am trying to be more helpful to Chris and am so grateful that he is the one that deals with this issue on a regular basis. I just wish we could all get a good night's sleep...even if it's just for one night.

Fed up.

I am fed up. I'm just done. The last two days my anxiety is through the roof. I can see ppd settling in for a nice long stay after this baby arrives. I'll be back on Satan's Drug and end up fatter than before, ugly, and worthless. I can't stop yelling at the kids and it takes all I have in me to not raise a hand at them.

I'm not kidding. My skin is crawling with anxiety right now and any time either one of them come near I instantly push them away, physically, but I cannot handle touch right now. I am hungry, all the time, but I can't eat. First, I can't eat because most of the time anything that goes in my mouth tries to come right back out. Second, if I even get a chance to eat I have two little turds begging at me and crying at me for me to give them my food - even if I eat with them, Timmy grabs food from my plate. Eating is a waste of time because I don't get to actually eat when I try. It's pointless to even bother.

I can't drink water. This baby is going to come out weighing like three pounds and will be so malnourished because I can't drink water to keep hydrated. I'm going to end up with this baby taken away because I will be accused to not taking care of myself while pregnant, thus making my baby failure to thrive. When do I get the chance to take care of myself?

I am fed up with the climbing. Natalie will not stop climbing on things and then knocking things down and then falling down and whatever else she can manage to do. I figured the novelty of being able to climb would have worn off by now, but it's nowhere near being done.

I am fed up with not having anywhere to put any of my hobbies. If I want to crochet I have to keep all my stuff in the basement. There isn't even anywhere to put the kids coloring books or crayons unless we keep it in the basement. Basically, if it's in the basement it doesn't get used.

I am also fed up with the insane love of taking nice pictures that I have. If I didn't like taking pictures I wouldn't have the need for a DSLR and then I wouldn't have to be jealous of the people who have nice cameras. And I wouldn't be ashamed of the pictures I take.

I blame all of this on being hungry. If I could eat and get full, I think I'd be happier.

I'm Not That Mom

You know those SAHMs that are able to have the house cleaned before ten a.m. and have not only been able to shower, but all of their children are bathed and dress too? Then they easily leave the house even though the mom is outnumbered by children? They run errands with no issues and even throw in a trip to the park where the kids play nicely together and don't fall off of stuff and get hurt? Then they come home, eat a lunch of homemade macaroni and freshly squeezed lemonade and before the kids settle down for a nap they do an art project together where no one gets messy and the mom smiles and takes pictures of all the new projects? Then when the children wake up from their naps they enjoy a nice snack of raw vegetables with no complaining and then everyone shuffles outside for a nice backyard adventure? Then before Daddy arrives home dinner is in the oven and the children are cleaned up and reading books together?

Yeah...that's not me and those aren't my kids. I lose my mind several times before ten a.m. and I'm lucky to have showered before noon. My kids will be yelled at and sat in time out more times than I can count before we even get to lunch. Lunch will be a battle because my two-year-old is the pickiest eater ever and will only eat a pile of ketchup on some days. And his lunch? Burger King breakfast [btw, BK has the best coffee!]. It's so stinkin' hot these days that I can't bear going outside without getting physically sick [no joke] so my poor kids have to sit inside with the a/c on where we watch several episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba and The Fresh Beat Band because it's the only thing I can do to keep them entertained so I can clean the kitchen or write this blog.

Doing any type of art project takes more set up and cleaning time than it does the amount of time that my children will spend doing the project. I can't even get them to color without eating the crayons [Timmy prefers green...does that count as a veggie?].

So, I'm sorry, Facebook Moms that always have great status updates about all the fun stuff you've done with your kids. You're either some sort of miraculous being or your full of it...and you know what I mean.

Rant: Grocery Shopping

Grocery shopping is always an experience when you have a toddler with you. Let's start with the shopping carts. They have the seat for the little one, but it's so darn hard to get him into the seat because the flap they sit on automatically pops up and when The Boy already doesn't want you to put him in the seat, it makes for a very uncomfortable moment. Then, once he's in, there's the buckle. The buckle is places up high, right under his armpits, so it pulls his upper body back, but he is still small so he still flops all over. It's quite easy for him to crawl out of the seat despite being buckled and I am constantly having to put him back into the seat. He much prefers facing backwards and letting his drool fall on the groceries in the back of the cart. Obviously the person who invented this style of cart did not have children of his own.

Then there's the organization of the store. Some baby stuff is in a baby area, while other baby items, like toothbrushes, are with general merchandise. I have to go all over the store for just a few items on my list. Signs are always marked wrong and I'm always getting confused as to where things are located. This could be just me, but I see other people complaining about the same things.

Then it's time to check out. I decide to use the self check out lane, not the express lane, but the one for unlimited items. The less I have to deal with people the faster I can leave the store. As I'm running my items over the scanner, I notice there is milk on The Boy's zesty tomato crunchies. I have already scanned the milk, so I go down to the end where my milk sits and notice it is open. I go back to the scanner and push the help button. When help finally arrives, I explain that I already scanned the milk before realizing it was leaking. She asks if I still want to buy the milk and I say that I'd like to buy milk, but not that particular milk. She says that I should finish checking out and then I can go back and get my milk and all I can picture is me getting arrested for what looks like milk being shop lifted. I'm also wondering why someone doesn't just run back and grab me a new milk considering it's not my fault that their milk was already opened. But, whatever. As I finish scanning my items, I notice what I think is a bag boy bagging my groceries. He's down there for a couple minutes and I don't even notice when he leaves and I assumed my groceries are already bagged for me, which would be very nice considering The Boy is now very agitated that he is still buckled into the cart. I finish paying and head down to put my bagged groceries in the cart.

That's when I notice that all of my groceries are nicely organized at the end of the lane, but not bagged. Wouldn't it have taken the same amount of time to bag my groceries as it would have to organize them? But, whatever. I bag my groceries and find the lady who told me to go get my milk to double check with her how I am going to get my milk since I have already paid for it. She says to just tell the greeter that I am getting a new milk since my other milk was leaking.

I find the greeter and tell her that I need to get new milk and she makes me leave my cart at the front with her, which I understand, but come on - just find someone to go get the milk for me so that I don't have to carry my annoyed toddler to the back corner of the store to get a new half gallon of milk. Nope. But, whatever. I unbuckle my wriggly child and lug his 23 pound butt to the back of the store and get the new milk. When I get back to my cart, I then have to put him back into the seat so we can finally go out to the van and leave.

Normally I enjoy grocery shopping, but in the store's attempt to cut down on spending by getting rid of useless employees by having the customer do all of their own work, they also lose a lot of respect from those customers. Perhaps they should just hand the customer a ten dollar bill when they arrive at the store so that doing the employees work for them will actually pay off.