I am fed up. I'm just done. The last two days my anxiety is through the roof. I can see ppd settling in for a nice long stay after this baby arrives. I'll be back on Satan's Drug and end up fatter than before, ugly, and worthless. I can't stop yelling at the kids and it takes all I have in me to not raise a hand at them.
I'm not kidding. My skin is crawling with anxiety right now and any time either one of them come near I instantly push them away, physically, but I cannot handle touch right now. I am hungry, all the time, but I can't eat. First, I can't eat because most of the time anything that goes in my mouth tries to come right back out. Second, if I even get a chance to eat I have two little turds begging at me and crying at me for me to give them my food - even if I eat with them, Timmy grabs food from my plate. Eating is a waste of time because I don't get to actually eat when I try. It's pointless to even bother.
I can't drink water. This baby is going to come out weighing like three pounds and will be so malnourished because I can't drink water to keep hydrated. I'm going to end up with this baby taken away because I will be accused to not taking care of myself while pregnant, thus making my baby failure to thrive. When do I get the chance to take care of myself?
I am fed up with the climbing. Natalie will not stop climbing on things and then knocking things down and then falling down and whatever else she can manage to do. I figured the novelty of being able to climb would have worn off by now, but it's nowhere near being done.
I am fed up with not having anywhere to put any of my hobbies. If I want to crochet I have to keep all my stuff in the basement. There isn't even anywhere to put the kids coloring books or crayons unless we keep it in the basement. Basically, if it's in the basement it doesn't get used.
I am also fed up with the insane love of taking nice pictures that I have. If I didn't like taking pictures I wouldn't have the need for a DSLR and then I wouldn't have to be jealous of the people who have nice cameras. And I wouldn't be ashamed of the pictures I take.
I blame all of this on being hungry. If I could eat and get full, I think I'd be happier.
4 comments:
Just wanted you to know that I love you and am praying for you. I know that probably doesn't feel like much help or consolation when you feel like you do, and I wish I could offer physical help with the kids.
And I wish you weren't ashamed of your pictures. They are incredible. You have a gift and I really hope you get a dSLR soon, somehow.
Aww, Liza, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've only got one little one, I'm not pregnant and I get fed up with all this stuff too. It's normal. The Mamas who don't feel this way sometimes are robots, I'm sure of it. I hope the 2nd trimester takes away the sickies and you can eat and drink again. I always put extra on my plate so Shane can steal it. LOL. Sometimes i'm just too tired to try to fight it.
I hope you get the camera you want someday, but your pictures are incredible no matter what camera you are using!! I'm always jealous of your pictures, I have no eye for taking pictures, whatsoever. You've got a lot of talent! :)
Hey Liza! Hang in there! Congrats on baby tres :) Remember, it will get better (and yes, being able to eat would be nice:)
I think I may get a punching bag so that I CAN hit something once in awhile. Between the toddler and the dog I know what you are saying.
What about old school photography? Make a darkroom in yer basement. What is a DSLR anyways?
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